I desperately need a cure for autism, I can’t live like this.

[Gurbfeld]

Like seriously, what benefit is there to being like this? It’s taken all the issues I already have had and currently had and intensified it by 100.

Being autistic, among other things, already cuts me off from ever forming a friendship/relationship with the overwhelming majority of the population.

The vast majority of people in the world, even other neurodivergent people, view autistic men as undesirable weirdos. They all think that we are like Chris Chan and just an immature loser who can’t do even the most basic things on his own like everyone else and needs a mommy to care for him 24/7. I quote "autistic men just want a mommy, not an actual partner". When people know, they all always talk down to you like you are a child, and will actively avoid talking to you because they want nothing to do with you. Which to be fair, if you're able to get a better deal why would you settle for less? Any woman can get a neurotypical guy who knows how to actually be normal and has since he was 13. No reason to settle for an autist, even if he's wealthy, interesting or talented. The average person wants absolutely nothing to do with an autistic man, to them they’re just a weirdo that they can point and laugh at with their friends and partners over how much of a loser they are. No girl with even the smallest amount of standards or self respect would ever waste her time or energy going on a date with an autist when there are inherently better and more appealing guys just within arms reach. I seriously cannot stress enough how much the average person hates autistic men and how they would never love them. Dating a girl as an autistic man, especially if they are neurotypical, is basically like wrestling with a grizzly bear; insurmountable odds which will only ever leave you hurt and bleeding.

To best see how much of a burden being autistic is, you only need to learn about masking. You are taught from the time you are able to stand on two feet and read that the behaviors and mannerisms associated with autism and autism in and of itself are completely unattractive, annoying and repulsive to most people. If you want ANY sort of chance of having even the smallest amount of social success, you must mask it. You must spend the entirety of your life learning to play pretend, feigning to have the social skills and awareness of normal people and putting up the persona of being a normal and attractive person with normal hobbies and preferences which you must put in continuous exhausting effort to maintain everyday only ever taking it off when you are home. The problem is that that mask you have on isn’t really you, it’s a facade, a character you are playing constantly to present yourself as desirable to others. Who you REALLY are and how you REALLY act and think is something actively repulsive to others, so you have to suck up your pride and stop being authentic to yourself and just wear the mask of conformity. The moment that masks slips, the moment you say or do something which can be viewed as the mannerisms and reactions of a autistic person, you will be labeled as the weirdo and promptly avoided and viewed as a loser, and thus left to rot alone.

I’ve been starting to go to a center for autistic people a few times in order to meet up with people and plan out an outing. It is VERY easy to tell that most of the, especially younger, volunteers who work there either don’t think about the autistic guys there or actively look down on them and treat them like they’re a nuisance. They talk to them like they’re an overgrown child, someone who gets on their nerves all the time and makes them wish they’d just buckled down and applied to a daycare. They’ll put on the veil of a caretaker who’s empathetic and kind to their associates, but you can bet your ass and legs that they go home every night complaining to their partners how annoying and frustrating they were and how they wish they could just quit.

I hate being autistic. I hate it so so much. Everyone hates me for it and I’ll never truly be able to connect with or form a bond with normal people or find a relationship. Even when I go to the group outings at the center to get to know them, I’m scared. I’m scared that we’ll be in public and everyone around us will be actively looking at us and judging us. They’ll see us as the weirdos, the massive losers who no one would ever date or love. No girl is ever going to love me nor can I truly ever be myself without people hating me. I don’t want this disease, I want to be normal like everyone else so that I can have even the smallest chance of being accepted and loved. I need a cure, I need to be normal to be loved.

[Hb2003]

do you not love yourself? i have a brother who has autism and i never view him like that nor anyone that i know .you want to fit in and i get it.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hb2003]

Perfect response.

[Hb2003 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

it needed to be said . The question was harsh but i wanted to know. i understand the feeling of judgment all too well.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hb2003]

You couldn't be harsh if I gave you a scrub brush. I know you understand.

Your perspective here is so important.

[Hb2003 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

thank you 🙏 it means a lot to me . It makes me sad when people view themselves as an outcast or a weird person .

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Hb2003]

It's hard not to when your social circle put a lot of effort into telling you you're an outcast. Takes a lot of work to move on.

Wish I knew why people act like that... Maybe living through it lets us have the empathy to help some. I hope so.

[Hb2003 in reply to Nothing_but_books]

true exactly. I think that it does ❤️

[Gurbfeld in reply to Hb2003]

No I don’t, nobody has ever loved me. I’ve been lonely for so very long, I’ve never had a relationship or partner in my entire life and I haven’t had any friendships since I was in middle school and I’ve been bullied and abused for my whole life. I don’t really do anything with myself anymore, when I’m not at work I’m just sitting at home desperately trying to mentally survive and keep going on. It’s completely abnormal and unattractive to have not had a relationship at my age, on top of being autistic which most people do not tolerate. I’m so far behind everyone else socially that I’ll spend my entire life catching up to the neurotypical normal people who have had years of experiences by now. How could I possibly ever love myself? After everything I’ve done and haven’t done that idea sounds ridiculous.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Gurbfeld]

Welcome to our forum. Take your time to get to know people and keep reaching out.

[Hb2003 in reply to Gurbfeld]

i am so sorry about that . I am not in a relationship either your not alone . Do not think that i am so sorry that people do not tolerate autism it disgusts me . may i ask have you ever thought of your autism as being a good thing ever in your life ?

[Gurbfeld in reply to Hb2003]

I feel like a total freak and a loser. I see in the mirror everyday a loser with countless missed opportunities, unachieved dreams and goals, and a face that looks like a bloated pig. Autism is something that intensifies that proverbial stink around me which repulses most people away. Autism isn’t desirable or attractive at all in the dating world or to most people, it’s actively disliked and viewed as a red flag of immaturity and needed to be cared for 24/7. Why settle for some autist like me when there are far better and more qualified guys just a swipe away?

[Hb2003 in reply to Gurbfeld]

no what your saying is not true . Your not a loser . And you do not have a face that looks like a bloated pig . I disagree . why Because your a human being just like everyone else and you deserve love and kindness like everyone else .

[Dell12345 in reply to Gurbfeld]

Its interesting, I have been through periods when I have felt like this, I have ADHD, I've never had an autism diagnosis but I think I'm somewhere on the spectrum. I work with quite a few neurodivergent people, some with an autism diagnosis, some without, we are all professionals working in the same company, and I really like them, I get them much more than other people.

Being neurodivergent is hard, I don't think it is appreciated enough. I feel your pain.

[Nothing_but_books]

What Hb2003 said, and what I'm hearing, is that you need acceptance.

Forgive me for being blunt, you are not accepting yourself. That's where you start.

I've been bullied and a social outcast. It hurts.

People worth your time won't act that way.

It's obvious you communicate here very well. Please keep reaching out, and get the support you need to start liking the guy in the mirror.

[Autistic_Gamer]

There is no cure. You just havent found the right support and the right friends to help you accept and understand yourself

[Lucy2023]

Hi, Gurbfeld.

I love what you wrote, as it's very detailed and expressive.

I grew up around people with various degrees of autism, as I went to a special needs school due to being hearing impaired. Your post has got me thinking... 🤔. I'm not autistic (not that I know of, I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere like so many people seem to be these days), but I would rather hang out with people who have autism as - in my experience - they are direct, logical and very intelligent.

I'm sorry you feel like a total freak and seem to be hating a part of who you are. Life rarely goes the way we plan and the last 3 years the world seems to have gone insane partly due to the knock on effect from COVID. You're only 22, you have plenty of time to date a decent human being (trust me, it's not like the movies!), but first you need to start with falling in love with yourself. I know you want to feel attractive and desirable. What is it that you think is so undesirable and unattractive about your personality?

It seems like you definitely need to distract yourself when you get home from work. What do you like doing when you're not working?

[Midori]

I have a neighbour with a 5 year old on the Spectrum. He is fiercely intelligent, non-verbal and doesn't understand that the world is a dangerous place, and he wanders off from time to time. Everybody in the street looks out for him if they find him out alone. My son is also on the spectrum, but not badly.

Cheers, Midori

[MaggieSylvie]

It sounds as if someone has triggered you. I hope you are feeling less gloomy by the time I write this reply. This happens to all of us, autistic or not, and it may be magnified for you but please remember that tomorrow is another day. There is no need for you to feel so unloved. You are loveable but you have to be patient - you know the song: You can't hurry love? it's true - you can't, and you have loads of time. In the meantime, find friends wherever you have shared interests. I can't emphasise enough how important this is because without a shared interest, what do you have?

And anyone who hates you for having autism is immature and lacking in empathy. You don't really want people like that around you, do you? Move on. I suspect you are seeing hatred where there is none and that you're feeling upset because of something that happened this week. I know that people with autism can be very different from each other, but I am sure you can make friends with others with whom you feel a connection. That is the key to friendship and love. Enjoy your weekend doing whatever it is you do.😊

[bethelbee]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all that and glad you reached out on here. Lots of support from many. Do you have a therapist who can also help you sort out and learn to deal with your feelings and learn ways to cope? Unfortunately there is no cure for autism but you can learn coping mechanisms to help you. Were you actually given a diagnosis at some point?

[Hidden]

Just thought I’d say there’s probably a lot of other people who have similar feelings about themselves. Many people feel insecure about something. And people are not labels. There is way more to you than being a person with autism. I know it’s tough to have that label on you. I have bipolar disorder and it’s hard for me to deal with other peoples perceptions of that. Look at the good things about yourself. You just wrote a very honest and thought provoking post. Do not let cruel people get the best of you. You belong in this world as much as them. 🙂