Trouble after a Bad Episode

[WritingBear]

So, earlier tonight, things were particularly bad. I was having self-harming thoughts. Those that were entering the "self-termination" kinds of thoughts.

I tried reaching out to my girlfriend to talk to her. I let her know what a bad place I was in. I pleaded with her to just talk with me, stay on a line with me. I wanted to hear her voice so that I could calm down. (We're long distance and she hardly ever spares a voice call for me.)

She refused to make the time, saying she had to take a call with her mother regarding her landlady. And after the fact, had a house meeting to discuss a future move.

She said that, and went absentee on chat. However, this was the worst place I'd been in some years. For the first time in my life, I had to call a warm line and talk with someone, for nearly an hour, just to come down from this and get my thoughts straight.

After this, I tried speaking to my girlfriend about the matter. I tried to tell her how serious this is, how critical the situation was, that I felt hurt that she refused to make time for me when I was legitimately on the edge of hurting myself, likely would've ended up in ER. This had honestly shaken my trust in her to an extent; she could have made time to be available for what she knew was an emergency situation, but opted in favor of matters that could have been pushed back or returned to after the fact. That she couldn't even spare me an hour when something this serious was on the line.

Her response was-- almost genuine, but ebbed into a telling dramatic tone and passive-aggression. Seemingly a genuine apology, then going along the lines of "I'll just never talk about my own problems and only ever prioritize you".

I'm at a loss. I just don't understand how someone who claims she loves me can leave me by the wayside when I needed her the most, then show no remorse after the fact. I even showed her my call log of the time I spent on the crisis line so she knew I was being serious, but it still didn't seem to matter.

[Sabbath1]

Maybe you're more into the relationship than she is. It happens then they just disappear.

[Raggedy-Ann]

She has already moved on but hasn't told you yet.

You can't expect a loved one or friend to talk you down when you are that far along with your feeling suicidal, you need a professional. Second thought is, did you have this crisis to try to force her to be nice to you? She was blowing you off which is very stressful, and depressing. She doesn't have any compassion for you. You (general you) don't treat someone like that, you love. She doesn't care. Showing the minutes of your call ask yourself a few questions. Did you do that to prove your crisis and guilt her into caring about you?

Time to let her go and find someone who lives close to you, someone who likes you back and potentially become a love connection. Time to love yourself and work on not allowing someone treat you bad. I've spent a lot of time trying to make someone love me. It didn't work, it never does.

I tell it like I see it, I am sorry if it was harsh. I am responding from a caring place.