I feel lonely and I'm finding it hard to connect to other people. My husband is an exception, and my son, because I can open up (to some extent) with them. More with my husband, of course, than my son. But I feel it's important that my son knows something about my mental health. He's an adult now (barely!) and I would hate for him to minsinterpret my behavior because he doesn't know what's behind it. My greatest fear is that I've somehow passed on my own challenges (self-hate, depression, etc.) to him.
But apart from these two persons, I don't have anyone I feel close to. I don't feel like I'm worthy of anyone's friendship. I feel boring, and uninteresting, and of course totally self-centered, so what would anyone get out of being my friend? And I also feel like I'm emotionally impaired, I don't think I can connect on that emotional level that others seem to have access to.
Apart from this, I often feel like I'm physically repulsive. As you can imagine, that doesn't help my 'intimate relations' with my husband. It's like I've turned off my awareness of my body and reduced myself to a 'floating head'. I don't really feel anything when he touches me. And no matter what he says to the contrary, I imagine that being touched by me would be like having the slimy tentacles of a three-day old octopus wrapped around you.
I used to have weekly contact with a psychologist, it was helpful even if it was only an online chat. But I had to quit in the spring becuse it was too expensive. We're still not in a great place financially (like so many others, I know!) but I have some hope that things will get better next year. To save on money we have turned down the heat a lot in our house and we're getting used to 60-61 degrees F indoors (we live in Sweden). Thank goodness for our wood-burning stove, it's nice to have somewhere to get warm. But it's hard to fall asleep when your feet are like blocks of ice...
No real topic here, I'm just venting I guess. I'll go shopping for the last food items on our long Christmas list. Then go pick up our son who lives an hour and a half away. Gonna feed him and force him to sleep until 11 am every morning! 😍
Hope you all have holidays that are as happy and as restful as possible.
How to make connections when you're living with anxiety?
How can I love others when I can’t love myself?
How would other people act in this situation? Not sure whether to ditch this friend.
Feeling emotional at the loss of connection 
How to take care of others and myself 
