Struggling with my new place. Plus sth i didn't want to share but it's burning my brain

[Against_the_current]

All day today i ve been feeling off. Today i didn't have classes so i stayed here. Only a walk but i felt insane dizzy and nauseus. I feel unreal. I feel like i'm going back to my old place but this is never gonna happen. I was kicked out. I moved my stuff. I signed a contract. This place is just one room. Overthinking If i did a mistake. But dad said cheap. And now thinking whether he really gives me money or my grandparents give him money to give me money. It would be so sneaky of him. All those years i believed he gave me money. And he might have gotten some of those which were for me. The bish n the baby live in my house free. And i felt guilty for needing money to live away from my abusive alcoholic mom and go to school. Litterary hired a room so i can go to school and not be home but i'm starting to get depressed. I'm Overthinking whether i made a mistake but i already signed and payed and moved my stuff. The war made everything here really expensive and ukraininans took all accomodations here. My room has had ukraininans before me and they have done damage. And my roommates kicked me right in this crisis. And my dad was like "You get a new place". I begged to stay. But my roommate is more of a man of him. She didn't even call me, she called him. Okay. I'm already at the new place, i struggle to get used to. These days i was busy but now im all alone and it hitted me. These days i was thinking. I was really struggling and i told my friend and he said he will Come visit me, help me look for a job, stay the night with me so im not afraid. He's mentally sick too. We were watching a movie and he got anxious and wanted to call his grandpa. I said it's late and his grandpa probably sleeps but he was really anxious, he worried about his grandpa. Called him. We were on a distance from each other while watching, i just got the opposite of palm on my hand to the opposite of palm to his hand for saying "ur grandpa is okay" but he got my hand and held it with both hands. I was almost falling asleep and i noticed him getting up. I said "are you uncomfortable? Need a pillow or something" and he kissed me. Then my laptop's battery ran out and i thought we can try to sleep because i'm at class the morning. He was anxious, got up, asked to take my keys and go on a walk, i said okay. He raided the whole building searching for my room on the way back. I was like "i ll kill you, If they kick me out". He was like "i need to go, i was going to see a friend" and i was okay. Then texted for 1 day. He forgot his meds and doesn't want to take them. Then delieted social media. Then got back but texted "i realized something", i wrote "what", he left me on seen and hasn't responded since then. I was thinking about this for a few days but now it wore off and i started to think about my housing situation and my family and i'm going insane. I don't know where i am. Plus my therapist cancelled session. I lost count of days. It's really hard with this anxiety to have graduate classes and then on ur day off, ur brain goes lag. Struggling so damn much. I want to cry. I feel so confused. My dad might have manipulates me. Everyone dissapeares. My friends just deliete social media or ghost. Not just this guy. Basically everyone. Trying to breathe, to watch funny stuff, everything that naturally helps but nothing helps. It's a slow Burn. I don't cry. I don't have a mental Breakdown. And then to just go away. I just suffer on the inside. I rot on the inside. I drown all alone

I just need a place to live like a human being. Not abusive home. Not abusive roommates. Not that 1 room. And ppl telling me i made mistake make it worse. I had 1 week to find a place for a few money (max 150 euro but i couldn't, so i got to 225 with water bill and tv and Internet bill covered. I could have gotten something bigger for those money but without those bills or on a worse place) in the middle of a crisis, in a city overcrowded with people migrating from different cities and countries, while studying and having anxiety and being hurt by what my roommates did. I overthink my desision every damn day. It's so damn hard. Nobody understands

[SoporRose]

You are contending with so much. I don't if your new place was the best place you could have found, but you made the best decision you could with the time you had. You were under enormous pressure.

I wish your friend had been able to be more supportive of you. On one hand, it's nice to have friends who understand the struggle, but on the other, it can be hard to cope with one's own mental illness and someone else's as well.

And I am VERY sorry your therapist cancelled your session in the middle of all this.

I continue to be impressed with the way you keep on making your way through your life despite all the complex family and roommate problems and other issues that arise. It will take time to process and heal from your roommates' betrayal. You are so strong and have managed to succeed in school and in getting away from your mother. I'm guessing it feels like getting to a happier place is taking forever, but I have faith that you will find your way there.

[Against_the_current in reply to SoporRose]

Thank you. And espessially grateful for giving me recognition that it's really difficult and for hope that i will finally find a place where i will thrive and heal.

[Genuineguy]

Hugs to you. 💙 You are going through so much right now. And you are doing great to try adapt to a new place. Well done for making a decisive decision. Try make the best of it and focus on the positives there. Its great you dont have to worry about bills any more.

[Against_the_current in reply to Genuineguy]

Thank you so much. You always know how to make me feel better. Huuugs. I worry about the electricity bill tho. Thanks for recognising my hard work