Rough day with siblings

[Lookingforhope20100]

I'm going to start by saying most days my brother is like my best friend. But today he wasn't, here is some back story my and my brother fight like most siblings do from time to time but it never got physical. I've been out of control and my temper has been bad. I was cleaning the house with my mom and grandma while my brother was playing video games so I called him out on it and the fight escalated quickly he was calling me a bitch and a bunch of other things and asked what my problem is all because I called him on being lazy he threatened to hit me so I hit him first but instead of hitting me back like I expected he coked me and the look in his eyes could kill it shook me up so bad my mom saw that he was planning on really hurting me and pulled him off of me I didn't know how to calm down in a healthy way so I fell off my sobriety wagon and smoked it calmed me down so I would stop shaking. I know I was in the wrong for hitting him first but he keeps threatening to hurt me so I was showing him I wasn't afraid of a fight and backhanded him I didn't expect him to choke me out tho honestly i know that if he applied more pressure he could have dislocated my jaw but my mom stopped him.

[paperpencil]

That's really sad. I feel for you. My siblings are my best friends and it's true what they say about the ones that love you the most hurt you the worst. I never feel as bad as when my siblings and I aren't talking because of a fight. It feels like being poisoned.

The worst thing you can do is let those feelings stew in your mind and become larger than they are. All you want is for things to be fixed so you can go back to the way things were but in that I'm sure your mind races all the time thinking about how bad things could have been, and every second that passes that they don't apologize is like another dagger in your heart.

I don't know the exact situation or how old your brother is/ his history with a tendency towards violence so what I say is definitely subject to discretion based on your situation and the level of safety you feel; but, in my life being the older brother comes with some weird baggage that over the years I've learned means I have to apologize first almost all of the time. Even if it makes me feel sick to apologize or open a dialogue I always force myself to do it. That is my suggestion to you. Apologize for your contribution to the fight even if he escalated it to a clearly unacceptable place. Maybe you'll be able to transition into a conversation about how his actions of violence towards you made you really feel. Guaranteed there are things left unsaid that both of you need to hear.