Feeling like my life has no purpose.

[Karmakat]

Hi. So i have had depression for 22 years and now am on disability because its both so severe. Ive tried meds and stuff nothing helps. I stayed around to look after my senior mom after dad died 13 years ago. She just died a month ago and my emotional support cat was helping me and then she died suddenly two weeks later! My mom and i lived together and now depression is worse and so unbearable. People say to live you have a purpose but what is it? To sit and be depressed and suffer like i have been doing for so long?? Even my psychiatrist is at a loss. . I have no interest in doing anything now and am struggling more then ever without them. Nothing anyone can really say i guess just feeling so alone and lost.

[LTLS99]

That sounds like me. Well, I'm waiting to hear about my disability. I've just started living by myself 3 months ago. It sucks! There are 2 things that I have started to do that helps. Writing in a journal, and joining this online support group. I have hope for you, even if you don't

[Karmakat in reply to LTLS99]

Sorry for what your going through. I hope your disability comes through okay. I really miss working and having a life but this illness makes it impossible.

[EndUser13]

I'd imagine it's healthy to have this community to chat with. 22 years is a long time! Something has to give, eventually...? I know I held myself back for a long time by having a negative mindset, something that is difficult to change over time, especially when you feel like you're just going through the motions.

I'm glad you have this community to reach out to, I hope that you find something useful here, something to help shift your perspective and lead you into efforts that seem worthwhile. If you feel like it helps, keep coming back and sharing!

[b1b1b1]

You have just have two major losses in a very brief time. It is understandable that these losses would affect you very negatively. You have also lost a lot of your purpose in life - taking care of your Mom and your cat. Grieving takes some time. Allow yourself this time and continue seeing your psychiatrist or therapist.

[samack]

I know just how you feel. Meds not working is hell. And grief is the icing on the cake. I'm trying yet another new therapist. God willing we'll have a breakthrough. Are you in therapy?

[Karmakat in reply to samack]

Hi, no I’m not in therapy…I see a psychiatrist but not much help as they can’t find a med that has yet to work on me..I tried ketamine even and it didn’t help. And ya I got really bad with the grief on top of everything…as my mom and kitty use to help that…I got a new cat but she isn’t a cuddler and doesn’t help me at all…the old one was like a dog always by my side…she was my therapy…I was handling things with moms death not bad up until she too died…that was really the icing on the cake…not sure what kind counselling to even get and what could they say to me already? I tried group therapy years ago and counselling it didn’t really help much…I have tried alternative treatments even CBD oil…but it just won’t leave for good…sigh.

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

Excuse me for asking, did you have childhood trauma?

[Karmakat in reply to samack]

No I didn’t have any…matter fact my parents were awesome and I had a good childhood…thus why I miss them now so much

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

you're lucky!

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

Also did you try TMS, transcranial magnetic something or other?

[Karmakat in reply to samack]

The therapists considered it years ago but didn’t think that it would work on me or I was a good candidate…only a 20% chance and I had to drive so far for it…so I never pursued it again.

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

Check it out again. How do they calculate 20 percent? That's strange. There is also an implant they consider if that doesn't work. Also 2 meds that worked for me, but I couldn't tolerate side effects are: thyroid med ,and modafinil, off label for depression.

[Karmakat in reply to samack]

I have not heard of modafinil…so it helped with your depression ? Sounds like something my doctor may not give me as it is off label…but I’m going to mention it to her my next appointment…thank you for the information. Did you have any side effects?

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

Change doctors if he won't try off labels. They are meds that were developed for another condition . They discover it has antidepressant action so they are approved for that use.

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

I felt good on higher dose but had side effects at s higher dose that I had to get off. However I read reviews and many call it a life saver.

[samack in reply to Karmakat]

It is a pain to go for daily treatment and have someone able to take you back and forth.

[Nothing_but_books]

Your psychiatrist is at a loss.

I had a therapist a while back tell me my life depressed him. That was the last time I saw him, and the best decision I could have made. It opened a door, serendipity I guess, and I happened on a woman who offered me just what I needed.

Just sayin'.

[samack in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Wow. It makes sense to go to a new doctor. A doctor that says something like that is not worth it. A new opinion for karmakat is worth a try.

[Pamieann]

Hi Karmakat, have you thought about helping at a cat rescue or Charity shop? I volunteer at a disabled carriage driving place. It helps me to help myself in my dark black dog days.good luck hope your soon feeling better.

[Hidden in reply to Pamieann]

I used to volunteer at a charity shop years ago and enjoyed it there.

[Karmakat in reply to Pamieann]

Thank you…right now my grief is too strong and depression too severe to leave my house…I did consider it though for the future.

[Hidden in reply to Karmakat]

I'm sorry to hear you are finding things difficult at present.

[secrets22]

this very much sums me up too,long term depression is so wearing and living alone is no picnic.i have been living alone now for 20 months,and each day seems more of a struggle,and now having broken my shoulder life has become untenable because the pain is terrible,plus feeling so useless is more draining than ever.My thoughts are with you.x

[Karmakat in reply to secrets22]

I’m sorry you are going through all this…yes hard to be alone and have all these issues. And ya I feel useless now too since mom passed away…

[Wantstobewell]

I don’t believe in everyone has specific purpose that’s always known. For some of us it’s like a personal motto. I’ve had that personal motto it’s very loosely defined yet I’ve had it ever since I can remember we’re it come from I don’t know. Others I know also all of a sudden a weird random quirky idea of love or career that feels right and never goes away. Please have hope everyone is different and perhaps it’s for someone else to help you your lost and believe the powers that be send out mass alerts and look everywere for you they will find you you are living. I might also had it doesn’t help me with depression though either I still have depressive episodes to it’s environmental I feel. I don’t know

[Agora1]

Hi Karmakat, I am so sorry about the loss of your mother and your furry friend.Life takes time to adjust to our losses. Time is the only healing effect. However,

we cannot stay stuck. We must move forward eventually or we drown in our own

sorrows.

I wonder what has happened in the last 2 years since you posted?

Are you still with your husband? Does your brother still live with you?

What about all the siblings you have? Taking care of a sick mother is lot to

handle. You are still young in age. Having suffered depression half your life is sad.

I see it as your time of life to find some happiness. You've suffered too long.

I'm happy to see you turned to us for the support you need right now in going through

your grief. The answer is not about medication but about time as well as finding

yourself again and not just existing.

I care very much.. xx

[Karmakat in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for responding…and digging….i mean I didn’t know I had this information on here about myself….I appreciate it…no my husband and I are separated…he turned out to be a really awful narcissist…he treated me horribly mentally…and always drama…no compassion no empathy…was very selfish…especially when I got worse depression he totally abandoned me….my brother actually moved in with us for awhile to look after me and my senior mom…and we took mom and moved out…so yes we brother and I are still living together..he is looking after me right now with time off due to a hernia surgery…but I am really fearing when he goes back to work as I always hated being alone…He works 14 hour days…I walk around aimlessly crying with depression…missing my parents and kitty…I can’t sleep or eat…grieving is not helping…my mom was my biggest support to help me through bad days…so I’m really missing her in so many ways…my brother is awesome but it’s not fair to him to be looking after sick sister…though he says he doesn’t mind…he would rather do that then not have me around (dead)…so I try for him…but I don’t think I can do this much longer….someone said suicide is like a person jumping out of a burning building to save themselves…this is at the point I am….it’s just so incredibly painful. I feel so sick mentally and physically…I take a couple things to get me through the rough days….but they are addictive and one is not meant for depression so I try not use it too much except when I want to escape the hell I am in…which is most days lately.

I wish I could find myself and be happy just with me…but I have always focussed on looking after mom and dad…dad had Alzheimer’s…they were like my children and now I feel useless and if my depression was better and I could go out…I thought I would like to work with seniors and do home visits etc as so many are so lonely as I have done this before with my own senior relatives and my moms aging friends who had nobody…but right now I’m too sick to even leave the house…unless I’m all “pilled” up and I can’t keep doing that…

Thank you for the time and message and caring…I appreciate it a lot. ❤️

[Agora1 in reply to Karmakat]

Oh Karmakat, I was crying while reading your response. I can see that you havemuch empathy and a heart of gold especially for the aging population.

This is like the emptiness that is felt by many mothers have after their children leave home.

This is suppose to be the time when we can enjoy our lives and do the many things

we weren't able to. But then comes health issues, mental health problems and our

dreams seem to go out the window.

I will say how blessed you are to have a brother who loves you and wants to help

you. This all is still too soon since you loss your mother. The hurt runs deep.

I remember what it was like when I lost my father suddenly in a home accident.

And more recently my mother 7 years ago just days before Christmas.

It's difficult to walk around with this emptiness and sadness. I understand.

Please know that we are but a message away anytime you need to talk when you

are alone.

There are so many lonely people in this world who would love to have a phone call

or visit from someone like you. You have this gift that you were blessed with.

Give yourself time to grieve. Maybe one day you can reach out to others and make

them not feel so alone. With that alone, you would feel wanted, needed and loved.

Right now it's about taking care of you. xx

[Karmakat in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for your kind words and words that really meant a lot to me…I probably am not giving myself time to grieve at all…plus I have depression…so I know it’s not fair to myself…but honestly I wake up in the morning and boom it all hits me at once again and I just wanna go back to bed…and your right I have to look after me right now…but I find that not enough…it doesn’t make me happy…I get joy from helping people mostly but unfortunately that is taken from me right now and I’m house bound…so I just feel like I’m at a dead end…but thank you so much for taking the time to respond…I do appreciate your words and they gave me something to think about.

[trying_to_chill]

Karman, I totally empathize. I have depression really bad, too, and don't feel like I have a purpose. I deal with it by trying to enjoy the little things in life, like my depression support group or a book. I can only read a little at a time though. Maybe my purpose is to be myself and to love other people? I used to look for a grand purpose, but now I think of the little things I can do to make life a little more liveable.

Good luck to you.

[Karmakat]

Hi, I’m sorry you have bad depression too…mine gets very severe where I can’t function and it’s like the worst torture on earth…so nothing interest me when I get this severe….it’s like does something so awful even exist with no end to it…I mean unless I end my own life…how cruel this disease is. I try read a bit here and there…but mostly do research on how to help myself…I tried a low micro dose of a psychedelic today…it did nothing…so I’ll go bit higher tomorrow…I just don’t know where else to turn or what to try…nothing has helped me so far. And yes I guess everyone doesn’t have a big purpose…which is fine…but I always felt like mine was to look after my parents and now they are gone…I just feel so useless now.

[landisay]

So sorry for your losses, that's such a lot to go through. Something that has helped me at times of grief and loss is to remember that there is only so much sadness because there was so much love - over time the love will shine through as the sadness becomes less raw 💖

I can't speak to your experience but I have struggled with the idea of purpose. For me its not that helpful to think in those terms. Purpose is usually tied up with productivity and achieving goals - not great when you feel that you are incapable of achieving anything! I have found taking the pressure off has been the most helpful thing. Rather than thinking about all the things I *should* be doing, making a conscious decision to not do them takes them off my mind. I have some issues tied up with this so that may not work for everyone. But that's the main thing I got out of CBT and a reasonable amount of self discovery through online meditation and mindfulness resources.

Why do we need to have a purpose? We are human beings not human doings!

That said, I have decided on a loose purpose/ goal/ value/ mantra of: finding light and laughter within myself and sharing this with others. This feels compatible with my life - it doesn't make me feel bad about sleeping or crying or worrying. But it does encourage me to prioritise activities that make me happy when I feel able to do them, and not feel guilty about all the other stuff that doesn't serve me right now.

I have not had extensive experience with therapy but I know others I have spoken to have said what a difference the right therapist can make. I guess we need to be open to trying things again, maybe the outcome will be different. We are different every time we try something new after all, because we have accumulated so much more experience in between the times.

I hope you can find some peace and compassion for yourself. You deserve it, we all do 💖