It has just occured to me that, unlike most cases of anxiety, mine is more severe than I realize. However, I also have a fear that I'm making it worse than it actually is. Which...is kind of the whole catch 22 with anxiety, isn't it?
When looking back on my life, I realize, because I was raised by a single mother who had a plethora of mental issues, both by circumstances and genetics, my "issues" were never taken seriously, or even considered as a problem. I feel, with anxiety and being a child, you're pretty much forced into this mind set that makes you fight through everything you do. Which, yes, makes one quite resilient, however, nearly thirty years of my life being fueled by not sheer willpower, but the fear of...whatever outcome is starting to physically affect me. (Though again, looking back, I think the physical affects have always been there, but now it's becoming too unbearable to just simply get over, suck up, or ignore.)
Now, all this being said, I've only been diagnosed with just basic anxiety. Not GAD, and it's mostly attributed to PTSD brought on by an abusive childhood. (Not to put blame on my mother, because she was, as said, a victim of her own mental disorders, and she came from a very rough background herself, so she didn't recognize her parenting as abuse. And she's no longer with us, so it's not something I can really work out with her for closure.) But again, because of how I was raised to perceive my own personal demons, I've always...under exaggerated my symptoms, because I don't want to be perceived in the way I kind of saw my mom. As this hysterical nut case who had no control over her fears and worries. But I acknowledge that this is more than just a burden that's brought on by a situation or a traumatic memory. It's literally my every day life.
I'm just fortunate enough to have a level of clarity that my mom wasn't able to obtain, and thus, it has helped me hold on this long, but I'm exhausted and I can't do it anymore. It's to the point where I can't leave my house without having a panic attack. But I hold it in. Because, as said, I don't want to come out looking like or acting like my mom. Especially since I have daughters of my own.
I'm writing all of this because, A. The more I open up about it, the more I understand and realize more about it. B. Not that I'm one who seeks validation, but considering I was never able to voice these concerns to adults in my life, it's something I probably need. To be told that, no, you aren't crazy, but yes, the anxiety you're describing sounds pretty severe, despite your ability to hide it from the world. And C. Because, along with this anxiety, the internet is a horrifying place with mean and nasty people who live for nothing more than to bring other people down. Which is something I also fear.
I am going to be reaching out to a professional, so I can be fully candid, but I just wanted to end this by saying if anyone else out there suffers this way, (and this is a very basic version of it. I haven't mentioned the constant thoughts and fears of dying. Not suicide. I don't want to die. And the insomnia I've suffered from as a child) you're not alone.
And also to say that even if your anxiety isn't this bad or manifests in a different way, my anxiety in no way invalidates anyone else's. Anxiety in general is horrible and I wish no one had to suffer any degree of it.
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My sympathy on your anxiety. It is awful. I have Bipolar but managing that well. My slight touch of Social anxiety has worsened a little. I can thorougly sympathise over the anxiety. A relative of mine suffers quite badly with it at times. Her mother was also the root of hers. I would hazard a guess that the woman had undiagnosed mental issues.
I know these things and incidents from childhood can be revisited over and over
You write with great clarity and organization. I would say that is a positive sign of you.
Thank you so much for everything you said. Especially the last part about how I wrote my post. Writing has always been one of the things that helped me release, but as anxiety does, I've been crippled by fear of judgement. I also have it in my mind that, because of how jumbled my brain is, my writing could be perceived as manic, and one of my fears with this whole, 'finally acknowledging that this is something I need professional help,' thing terrifies me, because I fear any change to my chemical makeup that can alter my brain in a way where I'm not as sharp, alert, aware, and whatnot. Like, it's such a double-edged sword, but I KNOW I have to get help because I can't live with this constant feeling of impending doom, even if it keeps me overly cautious. It's no way to live life. Especially to it's fullest. Because no matter what ones religion is, at the end of the day, what we do know is death is the end of this life. No one knows for sure what comes next. And if this is my only life to live, I need to make my the rest of my life better for myself and those I care about.
I guess my biggest issue is that I've always felt different, and everyone around me can sense it. Since I was a small child. More anxiety. Especially because only in the last ten years, has society finally taken a stance on accepting each other's differences and humanizing one another. So growing up, not fitting in, and fearing judgement, even though I have a strong, "I don't give a hoot," vibe about me, it's completely false. And I'm a girl that loves fun fashion, and crazy colored hair. But I live in a conservative state, and though I pride myself in my passion for fashion, I also dread going outside. Whether I think I look good or not.
And it's not because I'm afraid of being rejected. I don't even like compliments. I don't like being looked at. But obviously, I draw attention to myself, though I don't want to.
My neighbors are wonderful and nice people, and I'm terrified of them. I'm currently unemployed because the thought of leaving my house sends me into a panic attack. But then again, my panic attacks don't seem like panic attacks because I hold it in, which I now learned in order to do that, I hold my breath. Which I guess my body is starting to do as I'm trying to fall asleep. Which, yes, my insomnia is it's own thing, but constantly having to snap back while slipping to sleep because you aren't breathing (incoming sarcasm) TOTALLY HELPS THE WHOLE ANXIETY THING.
But this is what's making me finally realize that this isn't normal. Even if it's been my normal, this. Isn't. Normal.
Sorry to keep ranting and raving about it. As said, it helps me work all this stuff out in my mind, and as you said, it helps organize and clear up my thoughts. However, sometimes I can just completely let go and not stop.
Which brings me to my final point. How, because of how...what's a nice way to put this...animated my personality is, people have accused me of using hard drugs. Like meth or cocaine, because of how high strung and neurotic I can be. BECAUSE I'M IN A CONSTANT STATE OF ANXIETY.
Now when it comes to substance use, I have never used hard drugs. I accidentally smoked heroin when I was 18 and I hated it, and by accidentally, I was told it was opium (not any better but I didn't even know what that was, and I was a stupid kid. Never again did I blindly take anything given to me). I have dabbled with taking ADHD medication for that boost (so I also know I don't have ADD, or ADHD, because I know it has an adverse effect on someone who doesn't suffer from it, though I am ashamed of myself for abusing something that other people need to take to help them concentrate), but only a few times in my entire adult life. Not that it's good, but I guess my point is drugs have always scared me, so I never tried to try them. But I do smoke marijuana, or moreover, I vape THC oil now, which, yes, hurts and helps. Because it is illegal in my state, and is still viewed as a drug as opposed to a medicinal plant, so I honestly don't know what the real effects marijuana has on my anxiety, because my state is all about telling you how bad it is for you, and is classified with meth and heroin, though, if we want to classify marijuana, it's more comparable to alcoholism than any other drug addiction, because I understand the psychological need to keep using, and it does help slow down my thoughts and feelings, but I also know, starting out, I hated smoking because it use to make it worse. And I'm not going to defend my actions because I honestly wish I didn't feel like I needed anything to get me through the day.
But I just hate that all of these things have finally gotten to the point where I can't ignore them anymore.
I don't know anything about any drug at all. I used to smoke ordinary cigarettes from about the ages of 16 to 31, when we started a family . I am glad to have given them up. I did love them unfortunately
I am lucky enough that even half a glass of wine is enough for me now if I have a drink at home.
Maybe you should look into the possible affects of the THC oil. Again l know absolutely nothing, very best of luck to you Plunked
In no way does your writing appear jumbled it seems you have a deep understanding and a great deal of insight into the relationship of anxiety. You do remind me of myself because I’m sensing a lot of self doubt like myself and also a feeling of total fear of what’s around the corner which is how I feel every single day and it’s like living in hell. You are a very intelligent person and there’s a job out there that’s right for you and you would excel at if you only took a leap of faith otherwise you will continue to live in fear . We are in prisoned in our own minds and the the thoughts that plague us. I wish you nothing but peace ☮️
This definitely helps me realize, in the most positive way, that I AM my own adversary in this situation, and it's up to me to take charge and get the help I need. That I'm not alone in this, and it reassurance really means a lot, so thank you so much.
From what you wrote, we have similarities regarding our mothers and childhood. My mother was very mentally ill and I fought so hard not to be like her. I too have ptsd from childhood events and I still struggle with not blaming my mother and I'm in my 40s. For me, it's been a lifelong struggle. She caused so much harm to my sister and I but people tell me I have to forgive her because she was mentally ill. But I haven't been able to yet. I have anxiety every day and get panic attacks but I'm learning new coping skills such as breathing exercises and pressure points on the body. I keep using these tools with hope they help my anxiety. I'm so tired of being anxiety ridden all the time for no evident reason. And I have to stop talking down to myself that I'm crazy like my mom. The difference between her and I is in seeking help and in counseling where a she just stayed in bed or in hospitals all my childhood and had my sister and I live with a dangerous person because she couldn't care for us. I hope one day I can get past the anger, resentment and my anxiety and ptsd. Any tips would be great. Thank you for sharing. It shows we are not alone.
I do understand you totally as we’ve experienced very similar issues in childhood and it doesn’t sound like your anxiety is from nowhere, there are reasons why you feel as you do. I also have fears of being like my mother and I struggle with forgiveness but it’s the anger that keeps us burdened and it’s only us that suffers. I hope you manage to find a way🙏🙏🙏💜
Just like Pamb67 said, I totally relate, and I must say, in regards to forgiveness, it is no one's place to tell you how to feel about something. You have the right to feel whatever way you want to about your mom. All circumstances are different, and just because she wasn't toxic to some doesn't mean she wasn't at all.
It's just hard after they pass, and people don't remember the bad things because they weren't around to see them. Doesn't mean they were bad people, because it's hard to really figure out how much accountability can be given, depending on how mentally ill they were and whatever situation they were raised in.
For instance, with my mom, she had a pretty horrific childhood, but she was always one for embellishment, so though I don't doubt certain details, I question others, but when you're abused at a young age, your brain wires itself in a way to cope, and everyone has a different, 'Normal.' That being said, it's only been made 'normal' in the last decade or so to have mental illness and not have it be stigmatic. We are coming out of an era of, 'Hold your young, bite your teeth, and just fight through it.'
It's just occured to me that we can't always fight to have a normal life. We need help to find the normal. To be able to live life comfortably in your own head. There's too much horrible stuff happening in the world for it all to be in our heads.
I just also want to stress that, yes, childhood trauma and abuse does factor in most of the time, and SOME of it contributes to my anxiety, however, my whole realization isn't my anxiety stems from that. That's what I always believed was the cause. Which is why I brought it up, but I just REALLY wanna make clear that I truly feel that, even if I had a far less traumatic childhood, I would still be wired in this way.
I have anxiety, therefore, I am. That sort of nonsense.
Though there were a lot of stuff that affected me, my mom wasn't like, some monster that actively chose to use me as a means to get her own frustrations out. She, in her mind, thought she was doing what's best for me. Which is why I'm not entirely mad at her, though I knew then and I know now, especially being a mother, that it damn well was abuse. But overall, we were very close and it really wasn't until I reached adulthood that I started holding her accountable.
But all that time I spent thinking it was all because of stuff that happened to me, I ignored the possibility that I had a real mental disorder causing it. And that is my consensus. I can have anxiety over where I'm going for dinner. I have anxiety choosing what eyeshadow to use. I have anxiety about dying in my sleep. I have anxiety about not being able to sleep. I have anxiety about rambling on in this forum.
It's more than just the abuse. And even still, it wasn't just my mom. It was the way society has made me feel like I need to handle myself.
I know exactly how you feel as I was raised in a very similar manor. My parents where abusive and both came from shitty backgrounds as well. I also don't talk about me as often as I should because I was trained not to. Much like yourself I hold it in. I take on other peoples burdens instead of focusing on my own and, as you put, it's exhausting. I am burnt out as well, and you are definitely right. The physical side does take a toll on you after a time. I also, have the constant fear of dying, in the exact way you described. Maybe that comes from being afraid to live, as in, not opening ourselves up as we should. Either way I want to commend you on the level of self reflection and self realization that you have demonstrated with your post. It takes most people years of therapy to get to that point and you are already doing it so that is very impressive. And I want to say that you are well on your away to progress. but most importantly I want to say that you are not alone, and you are definitely not crazy. I know your pain and your suffering as I live with it every day as well. I can't go outside without having a panic attack. I can't even go see my doctor anymore. So take things one day at a time and keep going with the self reflection. This stuff takes time and it's not a linear progression. But you can over come this.
You guys really have no idea (or maybe you do and I should step outside of myself since we all are suffering, but I digress) how much these replies mean to me. It hurts my heart to know other people have to suffer from this malady, but I'm also grateful I'm not alone.
I just hope this discussion helps all of us, since even being in a anonymous forum with all of this support is giving me a lot of comfort, and I appreciate it, not only for my own benefit, but because this is something I feel needs to be discussed more. So we all feel less neurotic.
Talking is a big help, especially at first. No matter how good we are at self reflection we are still stuck in our own heads and can easily get lost in our thoughts or worries. Sometimes it happens and we don't even realize it. Other people can give perspective and help us clear up the chaos. I think as each of us communicates more and opens up more we learn a bit more of ourselves in the process. In turn that helps us to self reflect more. But the most important part is we have to accept things and face our troubles when we are ready. No amount of talking will help if we can never actually accept the truth. You have shown great clarity in being able to forgive your mother because you understood her circumstances. That is truly a great step because things are never black and white and early recognition of that helps us to understand our role in events as well. to often I see people shift blame or blame everyone else entirely, and don't get me wrong others can be to blame, but often when we forget that we are dealing with people it's easy to create a monster and not look at our own issues and actions. So truly you are doing much better than you realize. In time I think when we are able to separate our thoughts from our feelings we will become less neurotic and stressed out.
I don't think I could've said it better myself, which is why I'm going to stress me seeking professional help as well, because, like you perfectly put, talking helps, but you have to do more than just have a conversation. That's just the first step to a long road of tears and more stuff to figure out. But if life is being hard to live, you gotta take the steps yourself to get better. Yes, there are situations where people are to blame. But living in that blame prevents you from taking any necessary steps to help better yourself, and, from personal experience, one tends to repeat victimizing behaviors because we're so use to bad stuff happening to us, that it's hard to break out of that mentality where the world is constantly out to get you. It's a vicious toxic cycle that most people can't get out of because you NEED to be willing to look within and recognize where you could've made different decisions to prevent being hurt by the person who is to blame. Trust me, there are plenty of people who I do hold negative feelings for, but instead of letting them rule me from afar, I move on and take it as a learning experience. Pointing fingers makes the whole world blind, and that statement is probably one of the most overlooked, yet, accurate.
I couldn't have said that last part better myself. It is refreshing to hear someone who really understands this point and works to embody it. You are right, being a perpetual victim is a vicious cycle that is incredibly hard to break out of. I am glad you are going to speak with a therapist and can recognize the use in that as well. As I said you are already much farther along than you think but it will be helpful to learn the last set of skills you need to start to overcome the barriers you face. I also agree that the statement "pointing fingers makes the whole world blind" is far to often overlooked. Keep making those necessary steps and you will do well. I am very sure of that. And I, as well as the rest of this community, will be here is you need a listening ear or some emotional support.
Like I explain to my roommate, who is one who doesn't suffer from mental health, what people like me need when I'm going in a frenzy isn't for you to find a solution to the problem. With anxiety, there is no solution. We just need to get it out. But because he is a male, and the heart of the male psyche is to fix a problem, he gets annoyed because he doesn't know how to help me.
Which is like, I know that, because I know I can't help myself either. But it's not something I have complete control over. I may come off as...idk, in my mind, I come off like your stereotypical ethnically Irish American where I'm usually poking fun at a situation (humor for coping) or completely losing my shit (the anxiety starting to boil over) but because I never act in the atypical fashion, (hyperventilating, blacking out, claustrophobia, etc.) people just figure I'm high strung.
Which also, I just realized the only serious time I went to therapy, the lady told me, 'You live in a constant state of trauma.' then, it was the most profound thing I've ever heard at that point. Literally five minutes ago, I realize, as I mentioned before, she was part of my problem. Of making all of this make sense by blaming my dead mother, instead of, I don't know RECOGNIZING THE OBVIOUS ANXIETY. BUT HELL. WHAT DO I KNOW. IT'S NOT LIKE STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET WHO SUFFER FROM THE SAME STUFF I DO ARE COMING FORWARD TO HELP ME CONFIRM MOUNTING SUSPICIONS.
But I unfortunately live in a state where mental health is really as good as the health insurance. And I have state insurance.
That being said, I plan on shopping through every therapist I need to until I find my one. My soul..apist.
Also, coming back to edit this comment because I must point out some funny irony in regards to this whole thing.
So obviously, I'm very vocal about how much this post has helped me. That being said, I have been checking since I keep getting alerts, which is exciting, right? (Yet terrifying because I still fear the one person who comes in and ruins everything everyone else has said) but as I'm waiting for the page to load, it's taking. So.
Much
Time.
And I'm like. Of course. My high strung constant anxiety having self is having horrible mobile connection. Let's get on the wifi. Nope. The site is slow. 😂😂😂😂
I'm not in panic mode. It was too funny for me to go off. But the anxiety was building. 😅😂
I think most people are like that. It's not just males trying to solve a problem but everyone is. They don't like seeing someone suffer and not being able to do anything about it. For some reason we can accept this with physical ailments but not with mental ones. I suppose it's because, if nothing else, you can numb yourself of the physical issues, while the mental persists regardless. I will say there is something to be said about living in perpetual trauma. I do that, where my normal state has become an overly anxious state in a desperate attempt to prove I am not the villain my abusive ex made me out to be. Now this doesn't mean that I have to blame my ex for everything, I can realize where I am going wrong and do things to fix it. However, it's useful to know that this is my state because it explains why such small things can cause me to have panic attacks or full on breakdowns. Part of the healing is also looking at the trauma we have faced. Yes our actions need to change but if we never confront the feelings that caused our anxiety we end up dead in the water. It's a weird place to exist because at once we have to hold people accountable and place blame where appropriate so we can acknowledge we were hurt, which allows us to experience our feelings. But we then have to disregard that to move one because we can only control our actions. That is why putting the puzzle pieces together is so difficult. We are doing two things at the same time.
I understand how frustrating it can be to have no physical symptoms and be told that you are just over reacting when you are falling apart inside. It's very frustrating. I find the best way to address this is to just be honest up front and tell people this is what is happening right now and this is what I need or desire. Otherwise they can't figure it out and usually unintentionally make the situation worse. But you are correct we do need time for the panic to pass. Anxiety is controllable as you can more or less still be functional, this is not the case during a full blown panic attack. You cannot stop that suddenly and often just have to let it run it's course until you can get to a level where you can work to reduce the panic.
I am sorry you do not live in a state with better mental health care. It is truly unfortunate how inadequate our care still is. I hope that as you look around you can find someone who works for you. I do want to stress though that it often does take some time to find a therapist who is the right fit for you. That is also a normal part of the process and it's okay to shop around so to speak.
I really appreciate everything you've shared. I hope I wish I could get over my resentment and anger towards my mom however, I'll be honest, I don't think I ever will. She knew what her father was like and liked to do that was horrific yet she still placed me and my sister with him for a couple years as she was in a semi long-term psych facility. I love my mom, but I will never get over what happened. However I will live and try happily. Thank you all for sharing.
The way I see it, you don't HAVE to forgive to move on. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to give that sort of closure to someone. Just as long as you don't allow it to overtake you and run your life. Because then, they still win.
HelloI have GAD and depression. The story of my life is similar to yours, but in my case, my mom is still alive.
I had no support from her and she wanted to control everything in my life. I never had a good relationship with her because she used to judge me a lot. After I left home, I felt free and happy. I could live my own live and do my own decisions. After that my mom try to get along with me. But I notice that she still judge me, just that she tries no to say something.
I notice that even though I am a grown woman, I still have some kind of fear to her. I have to hide everything about my live because she will not approve it.
I noticed that she tries to manipulate me again.
I know she has her mental problems due her difficult childhood but I still have some kind of resentment. I try to forget my past living with her because it still hurts but sometimes I have some flashbacks and it makes me sad. I was happy that probably we will have the relationship mother and daughter that I never had. But when I see that she is still the same that makes me feel depressed.
I know that she loves me but I do not understand that kind of love. Well, my point is that this situation is killing me too, as many other in my life. My anxiety and depression seems to get better some days but then suddenly it changes. Especially when she comes to visit me.
I'm so sorry you had to, and still have to go through that. And I'm sure it's even harder when the one thing a person who suffers from both needs validation, especially from the person who means the most to them. Which is typically the one who brought us into this world.
I try to think of how society has progressed through the years, though it isn't an excuse for messed up treatment, but it's just...what's the apt word for it... flabbergasting how many toxic behaviors were considered normal. And then we hear older generations complain about how the younger ones are all messed up because, 'We didn't have this anxiety mumbo jumbo.'
Respectfully speaking, they were the, pardon my french, idk policy of swearing, but I've held back enough in my rambling to say, THEY WERE THE FUCKED UP ONES. We just had the luxury of finally calling out toxic behaviors.
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