An anxious butterfly

[Anonflake]

Hello, I’ve been anxious my whole life. I was that kid pushing my parents out the door to get to dentist appointments on time or the first one in the car 30 mins early anxious to get to school on time. It wasn’t until the pandemic I began to have panic attacks. Like many panic attacks, they happened without a cause and very suddenly. The first one, I called 911 because I thought I was having a heart attack.

I was put on medication after that, which helped the panic attacks. I still have pretty consistent anxiety, especially at the end of the day when I settle down. I constantly work and feel like any down time should be spent working. If I’m not working, I get a flight of concerns about things I really need to finish and end up working to reduce the anxiety. I’m trying to learn to enjoy downtime/relax but I struggle with letting go... kinda why we are all here I guess. I have a high stress job but I definitely contribute to making it as high stressful as possible. I also volunteer to pack my schedule, likely to avoid downtime. But that definitely aids in the anxiety to work longer when I’m home.

It’s hard to be anxious all the time, it’s exhausting. I don’t even know what I sit and feel anxious about, I just feel it so loudly in my head. I don’t talk about it much in my environment because 50% of people meet the criteria for a DSM disorder in their lifetime. So I feel like if half of everyone experiences it, I should do it gracefully. It’s hard to never feel relaxed. To never be able to take a deep breathe and enjoy the moment. Life is so short and I worry I spend all of my time on this earth anxious about getting to the next activity or assignment or work that I’ll never enjoy what I’m doing at that moment.

I’m trying to learn to let it go and relax, I’ve been in therapy for the year and on medication- so active effort. At times, it feels lonely to be this way. I’d say it’s a core personality trait at this point, a part of my identity is being anxious. All of my peers and friends are more laxed, at least at face value (I try to remember the 50%). It’s nice just to be able to express the experience.

[Agora1]

Hi Anonflake and Welcome to a safe place to come whenever life feels out of control.

I like the title of your post "Anxious Butterfly" I could relate that to myself when I was

a child. I was happy, I was loved, I was anxious but didn't know it. I thought that feeling

was normal. It wasn't until I left home that the word anxiety became part of my life.

Along with the thought came the physical sensations that I too thought were heart related.

I too had the energy and willpower in always keeping busy. Worked 7 days a week at 2 jobs.

When I wasn't doing that I was volunteering. I think I worked in order to push away that anxious feeling. It was fine during the day but like you, at night, I would worry about the

waking up to that anxious feeling and starting the day all over again.

Medication and Therapy were okay but didn't really do the trick for me. I eventually knew there had to be something else to stop this cycle of anxiousness.

I spent a lot of time researching the Mind/Body Connection as well as reading and practicing Acceptance of Anxiety...it was all starting to become clearer why I hadn't been succeeding.

I was not doing my part in going forward. In finding tools to use that I was responsible for.

Relaxation Meditation is how I started out. Felt pretty good. From there I was trained in Biofeedback, Reiki, Acupuncture, Self-Hypnosis, Mindfulness and Breathing. Because at the time my anxiety was so persistant, I used these methods daily and came to realize that was the "key". When I would stop for a while, anxiety came back.

Once it became a daily habit I saw immense results. Enough that I was able to wean off my benzos and cut down on my therapy. After all, the therapist' job is to address your issues and get you back on the right path. But we have to be the ones to take that knowledge in order to go forward.

You just took your first step forward tonight by coming on this support site. Together you will find you are not alone in what you struggle with. It does not have to be a lifetime sentence. You can and you will one day be able to relax both your mind and body.

I'm glad you are here with us Anonflake. You've only just begun xx

[Anonflake in reply to Agora1]

This was so kind! Thank you!! It’s nice to know someone else has an anxious soul. Part of the anxiety has really made me successful in my career but not a happy person for sure! I’ll start my endeavor into the mind/body relationship. I do really like grounding techniques so something tells me if I put more work into that connection, it may help.

[Agora1 in reply to Anonflake]

There are some good videos on YouTube which can help you in searching for what

works for you best. Grounding is just another one of the many tools out there.

As you continue on with your journey on this site, you will learn what others have found helpful. You are no longer alone. We are right beside you new friend xx