Off day

[gilded_masquerade]

I’d like to start by saying that I have an appointment for my wrists on Monday. They’re still hurting here and there so if I don’t reply to comments, I apologize in advance.

Had my first official panic attack of the year today and while it didn’t last as long as the used to, I didn’t miss the feeling.

My boyfriend and I were hanging out in my room gaming when my parents told me they were leaving (for some background, yes, my boyfriend and I live at my parents place).

The second I heard the front door open and close, I lost it.

I will also like to add that because of my new workout routine (one of those thirty day challenges), the current state of my wrists (which spread pain to my hands and my upper arms) and the simple fact that I sleep on my side (sleep on my back hurts and sleeping on my stomach screws with my neck and gives me bad tension headaches) I’m already in pain that I guess to me, comes off like a TRIGGER WARNING heart attack.

Eating plays a factor in this “fear” because I feel that no matter what I eat, it’s never healthy because most if not everything these days is chemically altered so no matter what I eat, I feel like I’m eating like the supersize me guy although I really don’t.

My heart was drumming away, I was shaking, i tried deep breathing but it came off as hyperventilating and I couldn’t sit still. I went to the bathroom to run cold water on my wrists (I heard that this helps with heart palpitations and that swimmers do it before they swim, I find it helps) but I had to do it a couple of times.

I calmed down but then I started up again not long after. I tried doing one of my journal prompts (you write down in detail what’s bothering you then add your thoughts, emotions then challenge the thoughts with logic) but I was shaking so bad. When I shake I tend to feel really cold so that started up shortly after.

My boyfriend hugged me for a while because I asked him to but then I just started breaking down. He told me that he had noticed some new things during this attack and he’s almost certain I have separation anxiety.

For some more quick backstory, both my parents where in the military, I have a younger brother with autism, I was (TRIGGER WARNING) sexually assaulted by an older boy at my babysitters who threatened to hurt my brother who was also at this babysitters if I didn’t (I also didn’t tell my parents until grade 12 when it happened in grade 3-4), and until now I’ve been in nothing but abusive relationships, my last one being the most toxic and destructive to the point that even after 3 1/2 years I’m STILL recovering.

During my cry, I told my boyfriend that think maybe subconsciously I run to my parents whenever I’m worried about a health problem because whenever I tried doing anything on my own, I always did the “wrong” or “bad” thing. He told my last night that with that thinking, it all depends on perspective and mine has clearly been skewed by my experiences.

I also said that I think subconsciously because I knew that my brother would need more assistance when growing up, I did everything if not most things on my own and now that he’s old enough to take care of himself, I’m also making up for it now.

The last counsellor I saw said I had the coping mechanisms that of a 6 year old since I had put on my “grown up pants” at such a young age, my boyfriend sees it and agrees.

It also bothers me knowing that these things are what’s holding me back. I’d like to also add that I’ve had bad experiences with medications in the past and don’t really want to go down that road again and I don’t have the money to be seeing anyone professional, plus I live in a small rural town, all the professional help is in the city and I don’t want my parents driving me back and forth for appointments.

All these things makes me feel like an adult baby or child sometimes and it’s disheartening and defeating.

Hours later, I feel stupid about crying in the first place and am left with sore eyes and a headache on top of feeling drained.

Anyway, sorry for such a lengthy unnecessary post but I just wanted to get all my thoughts out.

Hope everyone is having a better day/night then me.

[Hb2003]

Don’t apologize for how your feeling i am so sorry that . Hopefully your parents understand . Much kindness and support

[Hidden]

I am sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. Panic attacks like that are incredibly draining and take a lot out of you so definitely try to get some much needed rest. For the coping skills it's never to late to adopt new strategies and mechanisms to aid in dealing with panic, depression, etc. Here is a link that you may find helpful for grounding techniques. Grounding helps in the moment to calm you and keep you present which may help with your journaling.

healthline.com/health/groun...

Also, just want to note that your coping skill of journaling is a very good one. I also want to point out self compassion is key for moments like this. It sounds like you doubt yourself quit a bit but you are more than capable of making good choices and handling your life. You may not see it but in your post there are many things you recognize and steps you have taken to better yourself. All of those were done by you and are your own. So you should be proud of that. It's also okay to break down every now and again. I know I have had my fair share even in the past couple of days. Just remember you are strong and you can get through this. I believe in you.

[Pinkie56]

Giving your hand a squeeze thru the airwaves.