I’m trying to live for myself, but I don’t want anything. So I’m not sure what to do

[LDRinpink]

I’ve been trying for a long time to improve my mental health. I hate to say it, but depression and anxiety are kicking my butt. I’ve noticed that I get too caught up in my friendships, in order to find meaning. But I know it’s not fair to my friends. I’ve been trying really hard to do things that make me happy and focus on myself, rather than relying on the people in my life. But it’s hard because nothing brings me joy. I don’t want anything. So I don’t even know what I would do for myself. So I just spend most days going through the motions of school and work and sitting and watching tv. And I’ve been trying to be grateful for my life, but it’s hard. I’m not sure what to do

[endofheartache1290]

I know how you feel. I've been in the same boat my whole life too. Nothing really brings me any joy either and I have been searching for a long time. I think for me at least it comes down to the fact that I never really put myself first. I've never known how. So when I go to make myself happy I get stuck because I am trying to make myself happy without actually doing anything for myself. It's a weird spot to be in because I have loathed myself for my entire life and now to live life for me seems like an impossible task. But that is my first hurdle to overcome. Learning to be okay with myself. Accepting me, flaws and all, and then moving forward from there. How can I get joy in anything if it's not for for my own benefit? How can I hope to be happy when I am not even truly considering me. I don't know if this helps you but at least you are not alone.

[LDRinpink in reply to endofheartache1290]

Thank you for your reply. It helps a lot actually. I think that’s a good idea to start by accepting myself and loving myself then I’ll know what to do to make myself happy. I definitely get that, I’ve never put myself first either and whenever I have in the past, the rare times I do, people use it against me. Sometimes I wish I could move to my own little isolated cabin so I don’t have to worry about other people at all. Thank you again for sharing and replying, it really means a lot, especially to know that I’m not alone. By you sharing your own experience, it helps me to learn more about mine and why I’m feeling this way

[endofheartache1290 in reply to LDRinpink]

I really feel you on the whole people use it against you. My ex did that to me. When I tried to set boundaries she punished me for it. It's awful and just makes you shut down more. I do want to clarify though that self discovery isn't what most people think it is. So when you do put yourself first and learn to care for yourself you will notice things will make you happy. It's not that you will suddenly learn what makes you happy. You will just discover things like reading or writing make you happy and you will do more of that stuff for its own sake. Then in relationships you will find that you don't want the other person to be there to "fix" you or "complete" you. You will want them there because it's just nice to spend time with that person for it's own sake. You won't need them to make you happy but they will enhance the happiness you already possess. I am glad what I said made sense lol. Thank you for your response and I am glad it helped you.

[froggymom88]

It's good that you want to enjoy life on your own terms. Maybe sit down and pray and ask God for some guidance. Do you have any hobbies?

[SeekingPeace1]

Hi. Yes depression can make you feel that way - that nothing can ever make you feel happy ever again.

You said you try to find meaning. Maybe you will find meaning in doing volunteer work that really helps someone, for example at an animal shelter, senior citizens home, etc where you'll see how valuable you are to someone, how much they look forward to you and need you. You'll see that you are a valuable and worthy human being. There are many people and animals who desperately need your love, caring, your unique skills and talents