Hello, my partner is experiencing major depressive disorder. He is not diagnosed because he is not ready to seek help. However, there was a point that I was feeling absolutely hopeless in trying to reach to him, until I read on the symptoms for depression and realised he has it. I told him about it and he acknowledges it too, but that's as far as he has gotten. He blames me for his pain and anger, which is understandable since we have been in a long term relationship with a lot of baggage attached. I have come to understand that it has nothing to do with me, but is what his depression is telling him. We are in a ldr for the past few years now as I work elsewhere. I will be heading back soon, however he has broken up with me as he blames his hopelessness , guilt, frustration and everything on me. He always had bad communication issues, and with this now, he hasn't been able to communicate with anyone about what he is going through. I found out only when I went to my home country for a short break a few months back, and listened to hints of what he was telling me about what he felt. I only managed to figure things out once I got back here and extensively read up on depression. He had suicidal thought, still may be, he lives alone in an apartment, so I am very worried everytime I don't hear or see him active on social media for a few days. He has been going through this for so long now and have gotten used to pretending in front of everyone. He told his friends about the break up, and so this is the pretense he uses to explain his change in behaviours and sadness. He told me that he doesn't want help from me when I try to send him videos he can listen to to understand what he is going through. I don't do this much and I also know that the depressed person must want to heal, however I feel like it's easier to see it if it's in front of you. He has been having really rough days, he is very angry at me for everything, and it has been years, if not months where he has been like this and has yet to seek help. I am just wondering when is it my responsibility to tell his loved ones about his condition so they can help him better? I know it's not my decision, but since I am far away, I am afraid that one day it will be too late, and I will be the only one who knows about this but didn't reach out to anyone else for help. He has a loving and supportive family, although he does have some unprocessed trauma from them. I just don't know what kind of role I should play here. When I stay away from him, he texts me sometimes, and he still undoubtedly loves me, so I try to stay positive, and not offer help but just kind words, unless I see him struggling. I will not let him fall and feel alone. I just want to help him in the right way, but I am feeling really helpless. Should I reach out to his family to take over and help him since he refuses to take any help from me?
Should I reach out?: Hello, my partner... - Anxiety and Depre...
Should I reach out?
Is he close with anyone in particular in his family?
He is close to them, however he almost never communicates any issues with anyone, so everyone just thinks that everything is well and peachy with him. I am the only one who knows his other side and is able to see when there was a problem. But like I said, even then, it took me some time to see it as all he showed me was rage that he blamed on me. Since we have been together for nearly a decade, I saw this slow and gradual change and only managed to see it clearly later on, but also because he covers it up very well. I don't think anyone else has any idea what he is going through. Now that he has broken up with me and told me time and time again that I'm the last person he wants help from since I'm the cause of everything, I just feel helpless and was wondering if telling someone else that loves him can help him better, since I am such a big trigger for him.
I would choose one person, whomever he’s closest to (sibling? mom? dad? uncle?). Being broken up, you really can’t be that person, but you can let someone else who also cares deeply for him be that person. It sounds like he’s struggling hard, and, speaking for myself, the thing that helps me most is just knowing people care. Holing up and not telling anyone is just isolating him and has the opposite effect.
I was thinking of reaching out to his youngest sibling, however I just wasn´t sure if it was my place to share when he doesn't want to. I know I cannot be that person as he puts the blame on me and thinks all his problems goes away with me, when it hasn´t, he still thinks it is me. Because I know no one else knows, I still keep in touch, but I guess my presence always gives him another reason for his suffering. He is just so angry at me. I try to show him I care, but this angers him even more.
If you think there’s even a chance he’ll hurt himself, you need to tell someone.
I would probably reach out to his family but this may make him mad and not trust you if you don’t tell him first. Your in a difficult situation and I can only say that I would tell him in a kind way that you are very worried about him and that he should consider seeing his family for support. Also let him know that there is professional help that he should consider. He is really the only one that can help himself and blaming you is sort of useless. If he continues to be miserable and blaming you, I would gently let him know that you will call his family for help. Otherwise his family may get upset with you for not letting them try to help before it is too late.
I sympathize with the position you are in and I hope you can help him but be careful on how you are being affected by all this and take care of yourself too 😕
He is definitely going to be furious at me as he is already really angry with me for everything and everytime. Even if I just call to ask if he has gotten something to eat on the days that he cannot move. He has been going through this for so long now and he doesn't even understand that the hopelessness he feels is from his depression, and not from me. He is such a wonderful person and it pains me so much to see him suffer and in so much pain and rage. I have tried sending him some videos of how depression can make him feel, but he just thinks that I do that to downplay my role in his depression. It has been so difficult trying to get through to him and the one time I asked him to seek help, he slammed the phone down and just blocked me. I asked him to unblock me and he did as he knows that I am alone in a different country, this is also how I know he still loves me because he still cares so deeply, but just not enough to want to do work on anything, but that's just his depression stopping him, so I don't hold him against it. Because of that incident, I am afraid to ask him to get professional help or reach out to his family, but I am starting to see no other choice. I just don't want to make things worse for him by reaching out to people he doesn't want to tell about his condition yet. He has always been the backbone of his family and so I don't think he wants that aspect to change, which is why I don't know how to react.
Hi Venus please don’t feel guilty - this is his issue, not yours.
If he keeps blaming you- this is not okay and doesn’t help either of you. It might be an idea to stop talking to him for awhile since he’s putting all his problems on you. At least this way, it might make him go elsewhere to complain and might get him to the doctor. You cannot help someone that won’t help themselves
I tried this once, and I realise that everytime I move away, he seems to get worse. For example, the last time I tried staying away, he went out with strangers and did hard drugs. This is so unlike him and it was then I realised that something was seriously wrong, and it was more than just his anger towards me. So now, I try to limit contact as much as I can while also letting him know that I am there for him through it all and always.
I hope he appreciates you and how lucky he is to have you. But I hope you develop your own friendships that are good for you
Hello Venus1234. I am sorry to hear about the situation. May I take a moment to ask you how you are dealing with all this? Are YOU ok ? Regarding helping your ex, I wish I knew the answer. Do you think he is in immediate danger ? If you think he is in danger, as in he would hurt himself, I think it is a good idea to reach out to his family or an association that can help him. Of course this might mean that he will never trust you again (we don’t know, he might thank you after he gets better; or he might want to forget the whole episode or not contact with you) but this will ensure that he will get the help he needs. If your only motivation is his wellbeing, then your decision will be solely based on what he needs - do you think he will get better with some alone time, or do you think he absolutely needs someone to help him.
I am doing fine. I am controlling my anxiety and doing the work to heal myself. I just feel so upset when I see him suffering. I do not want him to suffer as I love him so much. Some days I think its best for me to focus on myself and move on, and other days, I just want to quit my job and go back home because I do not want him to be in so much pain. I don´t know what I can do to help, but I also know that his depression got worse after I left the country for my job. I do not think he is in immediate danger to do anything harmful, but at the same time, he has told me much later of how many times he has thought of jumping off his balcony. Since he does not communicate well, and since I am not in the country, I get really afraid when I don´t hear from him for a few days on social media. He has been going through this for so long, and he has not even told his bestfriends and siblings that he is really close with. I found out because I caught him partying with strangers and doing hard drugs when I was home for a holiday, when I confronted him, I saw that he was deeply troubled. He seems to be self sabotaging instead of seeking help. I realise now that he has been going through this for too many years and yet he is not ready to talk about anything with anyone to even try and seek help. It just pains me to see him suffer and I feel like if he hears this from people close to him, people other than myself, he may want to seek help then.
Hello. I’m glad to hear that you are fine and that you are managing your anxiety. I also feel that you want to be back with your partner. However it is really really hard to be with a person who is on a self-destructive path. I can understand how frustrating and painful it must be for you to see him like this. What if you just reach out to his parents and have a chat about this ? Do you think they will be fully supportive of him and non-judgemental ? Are you able to accept all consequences ? (Including the possible consequence that he may not want to be with you after that). I can understand your thinking that he might work on himself if you speak to his family. I also want to point out the tiny possibility that it might push him over the edge. You know him for many years. Do you think that his family finding out will be so upsetting for him that he will give up completely ? I’m so sorry I am raising more questions than answers, but I am just trying to let you think about some of the possible outcomes of talking to his parents. Because I don’t get the feeling that these kind of things get better on their own and you want what is best for him.
No worries, I get that more info is needed to give better advice. I do not think his parents will be able to accept this as within our community back home, mental health issues are not discussed openly. I do want to get back with my partner, but more than anything, I just want him to stop suffering. I tried being the friend that he needs to drown all the noise that comes with depression, but he seems to only get triggered further if I say some of it stems from depression as like I said, he blames it all on me. The back story to this is that his family was very abusive towards me in the beginning of our relationship because they did not think that I was the right fit for him. He tried pleading to them for years to not judge me so harshly and I did my part to control my emotions in front of them so that we could stay together. However, the abuse took a toll on me and I developed anxiety and depression in response to the trauma, that I took out on my partner. I stayed because he said he would leave his family for me, I did not want him to do that and I pleaded for him to not leave anyone for me, however I stayed when I realised that he will self sabotage that way and ended up disregarding my needs for his needs. For this, I put a lot of blame on him, and with my depression, treated him with a lot of anger. For years now, I have apologised and been a much better partner, but he has held on to those moments and refuses to accept that I have changed and that anger and rage was uncontrollable due to the trauma I was forced to go through. Over the years, these issues also solved by itself as his parents apologised to me and they do not act the same way anymore. I guess getting no proper emotional support from his family and his partner took a toll on him and he is now in a place where he cannot trust anyone to let them in. That said, his family loves him very much, but I just do not think that his parents will be able to accept this. Instead, I am hoping to reach out to his sisters who are doctors who may be able to understand better. I am not sure if his family finding out will push him over the edge, as we have very limited contact now, I have been away for 2 years and he is now a changed person. He loves us all very much, but he just feels numb to everything now. So it is hard for me to gauge what he will do.
Hello. This is a very tough situation indeed. At least you have figured out that talking to his parents is not an option. That’s a good start. Talking to his sisters sound like a very good idea, I list a few questions for you to reflect on before you do that (it is ok if you don’t share with us, already I have asked so much :-))1) do you trust his sisters absolutely that they will do the best for him ?
2) does your ex have a close enough bond with his sisters that he will be receptive to communication with him ?
3) do his sisters trust you enough to believe the things you will tell them ?
I know the questions are all about trust, but I do think it is important in this case. Since he seems to be in a very delicate position, I do believe he needs someone who can patiently guide him to wellness. I’m sorry that you cannot be that person, but it is very mature of you to realise that. I hope you will find a way to bring this up with his sisters and that he will rediscover peace and happiness soon.
Not relating to his issues, I also would like to express how sad it is to hear about your unpleasant and traumatic experiences. Please don’t indulge guilty thoughts for too long about the way you behaved or why you said - you did the best you could, considering the circumstances and your capacity at the time.
Thank you very much for taking the time to think and write this reply for me. I will certainly ponder on your questions and make sure that I make the best decision for him. It has been very stressful, but we shared amazing memories and so much happiness, it only got bad when things get triggered, but I am learning now what it means to think objectively and react, instead of reacting emotionally. I carried the guilt for so long because he carried it with him, but I am starting to see that those were symptoms of depression that even he couldn't control, because I know he tried, he just couldn't figure out how to get past it, hence the situation he is in now. I am going to do my best for him because he deserves it. Thank you again for listening to a stranger.
Hello Venus.
It is fantastic to hear that you are learning to respond objectively rather than react emotionally. This is something I have had to train myself to do. The shift happened for me when I realised that actions stemming from emotions are usually actions to avoid feeling the emotion.
So now I open myself up to feeling all emotions; I sit with the emotions, I focus all my attention on the emotions I feel in my body (thoughts will be there, but my primary focus will be on the emotions). I do absolutely nothing to change the emotions, I just sit and experience; even the excruciating emotions with all their intensity. It is quite strange to see how quickly emotions pass if we focus directly on the emotions in the body rather than thoughts in our mind.
I know you did not ask my advice on emotions, but this is something that has helped me hugely, so I am eager to share it. 
Good luck to you in everything. Remember not to make decisions from a place of fear; let your decisions reflect the best in you.
Thank you for sharing. It has been hard. I fear that he will get worse if I leave. I know undoubtedly that he still loves me, although it is hard for him to feel it as he is experiencing anhedonia. I fear that hearing me dating someone else will push him over the edge. I fear that I will lose him forever if I do not try to save him now. I know ultimately that he is the only one that can save himself, but I never want him to feel alone in this fight because I will be there to fight with him if only he will allow me. It has been hard to allow myself to feel all emotions, because my rational, logical mind has always taken the best of me. This resulted in me unable to be vulnerable to him as he has been to me, which I guess is why he finds it so difficult to believe me when I remain vulnerable to him now. I know I need to put my own needs first, but this is something I am still learning to do. I have always been a strong person with a strong personality ever since childhood, and so I always feel like I can take on more than most, but I am fragile in many ways and there is strength in that too. I just wish that he can allow himself to be himself again. He was vulnerable for so long with no one else reciprocating the way he was. Now he is so closed off and cannot let anyone in. I just do not want him to ever feel alone in this fight. I will take your advice and allow myself to feel all the emotions without stopping myself in order to find a "logical solution". Sometimes there is none, and I must be okay to let things go. It just goes against my nature, but it is crucial for me to learn this. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I can emulate it too.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I commend you for wanting to help. I have been in a relationship similar to yours and I just wish I could give you a hug. The truth is you can’t help him. He has to do the hard work of getting himself better. I’d like to encourage you to be gentle with yourself and take steps to set firm boundaries with him. It isn’t your responsibility to make him better. You could reach out to his family to allow them a chance to hear what your experience has been. Once you’ve done that I would begin detaching with love and begin to set boundaries with him. I’d love to share a resource with you if your interested just reach out and ask! I’d be happy to share with you what has helped me. My thoughts are with you!
A hug is very much needed! I have been trying to set boundaries and uphold them for my sake, but I also do not want him to feel all alone and ruminate on anything I say or do negatively, so I try to just show him that I care. Detaching from love feels like the hardest thing because the both of us never thought we would ever lose each other. He can't believe it himself that we are here now, although I know and he knows that he loves me still, he just says that he cannot feel it anymore. This numbness and inability to find joy is one of the things that led me to think that he is undergoing depression too. I would be happy to get the resource you mentioned to learn more on how I can help myself better.
There is a great book on setting boundaries that I found so helpful. It is called “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Best wishes to you!!
I will check this out. Thank you!
So sorry to hear--this is heartbreaking! Depression is so debilitating because it makes us want to isolate when we really need people. I have been there, and I remember not wanting to be around people and just the heavy hopelessness and despair. I was suicidal, and by the grace of God I decided to get help. For me, medication and talk therapy also helped. I know people were praying for me, so that really helped. I learned that depression is anger turned inward, so even though he is blaming you, he is probably projecting that anger on you because he knows he can trust you and you might be the only person he can share those feelings with. Most men do not seek out professional help, so let him keep venting to you, if you can take it (try not to take it personally), and as you realized, it is more about him and his inner pain than you. Maybe in time he will be convinced that he can get professional help, unless he is already suicidal, in which case he should go get medical help right away. He is blessed to have you in his life, and if you can keep communicating lovingly with him, encouraging him, and even praying for him, hopefully all the poison he is holding inside will come out and help him to heal. It would be good to contact his family as well, since you said they are loving and supportive, as well.
He has told me many times that I am the last person he needs help from, but I am also the only person who knows of his condition. I have read that although he says he does not want me there, knowing that I am there for him can still help. I would like to think it does too as everytime I am away, he seems to be worse. However, knowing I am always there has also caused him to think his anger on me is just and I am taking it because I think I deserve it too. It is a battle everyday wondering what I should do to help him. I try to set boundaries, but I break it myself everytime I see him slipping through and into worse conditions. He is hurting me so much and I try to remember that this is not him, but when I see him do nothing to change anything, it makes me feel like he is okay with hurting me too. To avoid hurting me, he asks me not to reach out to him, but again, I do not want him to feel alone and so I try to send him loving messages to let him know that he is worthy of everything good and that I am there for him so he is never alone. But the cycle just continues, it will only stop once he seeks help, but I do not think that he will anytime soon and he has been suffering for way too long. He feels hopeless and have accepted that this is how he will feel forever. I try to tell him these are lies that depression tells him, but he cannot accept my words. I do not know what will make him feel like seeking help.
I know it must be confusing to decide what is best for your special friend. You say that he has a supportive family and he is close to them. In that case I would think they are having a relationship and know something isn’t right. He seems to blame you ? This shows that he’s in denial. You have to do what you think is right and no one knows him better than you. If the relationship is really over which I hope it is.
Please know he’s not healthy for you and please stay strong
Knowing you deserve a nice, caring man that you don’t have to continually worry about.
I am sure they know to a certain extent that something is not right, but he is a master at disguising his emotions. On the outside, he appears social, laughing always, cracking jokes and talking a lot. He has learned to put on a disguise and I can see right through this because I know him so well, but not others as much. With me, he also does this far less and lets go all his hopelessness, despair and anger on me. He is definitely in denial and I try to tell him that to blame me is to think that he is powerless to the whims of another, and I think that he is stronger than that. However I also know how difficult it can be to accept something other than what is already running through his mind when he is severely depressed. He is definitely unhealthy for me, however I just cannot allow him to suffer alone as I feel like he will never come out of this as he has given up on himself. I do not want to give up on him too.
I know it’s almost impossible to help someone that won’t help themselves. I just hope you won’t give all your spare time “to fixing him”. I wish you the best in life.
Please don’t wear yourself out with this man and his issues that he won’t take the time to fix
I will remember this. It is hard as he is a good man with just too many flaws. I keep giving him an excuse, but I must learn to stop and accept it too.
If he is dumping on you, treating you like trash and doesn't want to be helped, then he doesn't deserve you, honestly. It is not your fault he is having these problems. Until he is ready to accept responsibility for his actions and how he treats you and others, he will continue to be miserable, because while he continues to blame others, he is only going to improve his outlook on life when he honestly faces himself and has a change of heart. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is detach yourself because no matter what you say or do, he will continue to find fault, where in reality, he is the one who is creating his own drama and trying to drag you into it. He knows you are a compassionate person and he is using it against you. Toxic.
Ya, I guess he always knew I was compassionate and used this to his advantage. I don't know. I go back and forth. Some days I feel like I just want to move past this, other days I feel like he is so lost and need guidance. I feel like my presence helps, so I don't want to make him more miserable when he is already suffering. I need to remember that his refusal to seek helps shouldn't be at the expense of my suffering.
venus;
it's clear to me that you still care about him.
since bringing his family in might be cause for other issues due to baggage with them... allow me to offer another suggestion...
you can provide him with phone numbers to crisis lines AND "warm lines". warm lines are numbers he can call to talk to someone for ANY reason. these are usually not manned by professional therapists - tho they have had some training.
additionally you can turn him onto support forums like this one.
but what be even more helpful is getting him involved in video chat support groups. there are many available - and they provide peer to peer support - like this forum - but you get to actually talk to real, live people... which especially during covid isolation is important; and also provides a sense of community along with peer support.
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having offered those ideas - if he fails to avail himself of those options... then it might be wise to pick the safest confidant that can assist you... depending on whether you think it'd be best for you to "tag team" or each help individually...
if it brings up his issues w/ family - it's easier to work on those issues - after he gets past the depression. it's impossible to work on those issues, if he doesn't!
I have tried telling him that these forums have helped me and told him that I can send these to him if he is ready. Before he went into a major depressive episode, he used to reach out to helplines just to talk. I don't think he is doing anything else now. I think tag teaming is a good idea. I am thinking to reach out to his sister who is closer to him (distance wise) so she can keep an eye on him. He is going through so much and nobody knows but me, but I'm the last person he wants to hear from. I just feel so helpless although I know the responsibility is his.
hey venus - i'm glad to hear he has a sister close by- and a sister sounds like an awesome choice for a family partner... brother-sister relationships usually have less baggage... and can often be closer than other familial relations...
i def. empathize with your feeling of helplessness... but he's lucky to have someone that cares as much as you. depression can be extremely debilitating and while the final responsibility does lie with him; he may not be in a place to take action. and that's where friends and family need to step in... at least just to get him started... once moving - it's easier to keep moving... (physics lesson - a body in motion tends to stay in motion sorry can't help myself )
while the "self help" routes - ie: forums and support groups - would be of immense help to him... it's sounding like he may need 1 on 1 professional help - someone that can help to "keep tabs" on him, and push when he needs pushing.... maybe that can be his sister - if he actually does avail the other paths....
I hope so too. I have always been the one to push him, in terms of career, finances, etc. However he has turned that all around on me now claiming that I was just pushy and never gave him a chance to breathe. Before the depression took its toll, he used to feel grateful for me, now it's just all hate and anger. Just sharing coz I don't know where else to say all these. I do think he needs support because I doubt that he is going to seek help himself. He has given up on feeling better. I don't know if his sister will be the one who pushes him, but she is closest to him and he cares deeply for her. I also think that she will be the least judgemental of him and that is important to him.
hey venus;
tx for sharing more. it sounds like in his depressed state he may just be looking for others to blame; or maybe he regrets the breakup and is lashing out... that's obviously complete speculation on my part...
i'm glad you're sharing - sharing is unloading. and i'm happy to lend you my ear... (or eyes).
i'm also glad to hear that his sister sounds like a good choice to lend additional assistance. hopefully she can act as his "switzerland" and maybe he'll be more inclined to listen to her.
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you said you're returning at some point - when is that? how are you doing with all this? do you have concerns about going back?
From what I know, he was blaming himself for a very long time, but now he shifted the blame on me in an effort to take away the guilt he felt inside. I can understand this and I do not mind it if it means making him feel better. Unfortunately, I just don't think it is making him better in any way.
I hope so too. His sister is compassionate, but I just don't know how seriously she will try to push him to seek help. They are quite a laid back family, so I just don't know what will happen after I reveal this.
I'll be back in 4months, but my job is such that I will have to move again for the next one. At this rate, I am not applying for any because I am so worried about him that I don't think I should move once more without at least spending a few months back in my home country. At the same time, I wonder if this is the right choice for me since he has already broken up with me and made it quite clear that he will not get back with me. He admits that he still loves me and I know he still does, at the same time I feel he has convinced himself that I am the problem and the reason why his depressed feelings have not gone. I always reached out instead of having no contact even after the break up because I am so worried about him as no one else knows. I just feel so helpless and lost. I don't mind taking a few months off if it means him letting me in and doing something to help, but if he is just going to shut me out, then I can't just postpone my future perpetually. I wouldn't know this till I'm home, but so far he has been receptive to my texts (not everyday, just here and there).
hi venus -
wow - i really want to commend you - you really seem to have a good head on your shoulders - you are clearly a loving and compassionate person, and you're able to look beyond the surface, and willing to dig into a problem in search of the root cause... even when the "surface blame" is being cast upon you. and you have an amzing ability of forgiveness and understanding. those are all admirable traits - and anyone would be the luckiest person to have you as a partner.
i think where your head is at, and the plans you've laid out are the very best things you can do - both for yourself and your [maybe-ex] partner. i say that because:
* where there is mutual love - there is always hope. he may have "broken up with you" - but that's never permanent if both parties truly want to be together.
* if you can afford to spend the time - and are willing to go the extra mile - you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain:
1 - no regrets. if you try your best to help him - you will never have to look back and wonder - "what if i did ..." whatever happens - having no regrets is a darn good place to be, and a few month's detour in your life is a small price to pay for that.
2 - maybe there's still hope for the relationship. you'll never know unless he heals himself. only when he's healed, can you determine if there's a path for the both of you again. it's not over till its over; and only you can make that determination - and you need to be there in person. can't do that thru text.
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i wish i had a partner as understanding and caring as you. you're [ex?] partner is one lucky guy... and maybe you'll both be lucky enough for him to realize that again!!
Thank you for your kind words, I have really tried my best to be there in the way that he needs. It's tough, but I am really trying. He is my ex, he broke up with me 8months ago and seems to have convinced himself that that's the right thing to do. Just recently he told me that he cannot have me as his support system because he feels really sad to know that he will never be with me again. I am right in front of him, and it is his negative ruminating thoughts that is keeping him from me. Yet, it's been so long, nearly 2years since he got into a major depression and he gave up on fixing himself right about when he gave up on being with me. He used to ask me to wait till he fixes himself, but without any of us knowing that he was going through depression. So when he did anything that hurts me, I couldn't respond objectively because I had no clue why he was being so mean to me. Sometimes I wonder if he gave up on us because he gave up on himself, but because he blames me for everything, I really am not sure. I would love to wait till he feels better, but I can also see that he isn't doing much to come out of the situation. Your point on not regretting things is heavy on my mind. I have been thinking deeply about it too. That's why I am letting go of opportunities, but I have always had big dreams for myself, and I just hope the few months back home will do him some good. I hope he heals himself, or wants to heal, I am afraid that if he knows that he has lost me for good, he will get into a worse state because that has happened before. But when I'm there, he is pushing me away. It's just such a tough situation to be in. I have a few more months to go before I am home, do you think I should just avoid all contact until I'm back?
wow venus - i really feel for your situation... that's soo hard...
i can hear the concern in your words, and i can feel the uncertainty as you describe the situation.
you're being tugged in 2 directions, and you're standing on a tight rope trying to walk forward.
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as for avoiding contact with him... i feel ill equipped to properly evaluate... but i'll speak "stream of consciousness" so you can see my wheels spinning....
on 1 hand i hear a lot of concern about his ability to heal himself if you're not in the picture - and you feel a sense of responsibility and concern and a desire to help him. on the other side - it sounds like he's trying to place a lot of the blame on you - which means he's not accepting his own responsibility over his life and actions - and in fact, may even be in denial about the root cause of his problems.... couple this with the idea of wanting "no regrets" - that you want to try your best to help; and yet it sounds like he's unwilling to accept your help, because you're the lightning rod he's trying to shift blame to.
it's a tough situation - but i think where i'm landing is - maybe you don't initiate reaching out to him - but if he reaches out to you, then you respond and offer only the help he seems to ask for (IF he asks at all)... only respond within the context of his requests. in other words - maybe try giving him some space and see what he does with it.
i see this as a balancing act between having no regrets yourself, and following your own path. you can only do so much for him - he's got to do some of the work himself.
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ok - so i'm hoping that rambling thinking out loud stream of thought made some sense to you; and that it offered some useful thoughts!
i guess if i were in your shoes... knowing the little i know - i would be there if he reaches out - but give him a little space to see what he does with it. at least until i have the opportunity to see first hand - and maybe get a better picture.... and re-evaluate.
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how does that sound? is that something that sits well with you?
Thanks you for taking the time to think for my situation and respond caringly. I truly appreciate your time and effort. ❤️
My thoughts were to try and do that too. Don't reach out to ask if he is doing okay, or offer any resources that I come across, or words of affirmation to make him feel less "worthless", and only respond if he reaches out to me by just addressing what he is reaching out for. He has told me repeatedly that he won't reach out to me even if he wants to, because he can't, and so he may not do this, but he does seem to text me every now and then. It makes me feel better to hear that my train of thought is valid, so thank you for your advice on this.
I do not want him to suffer and so I feel a responsibility to help him, but I've been on a long hard road to finally begin to accept that only he can help himself, and if he chooses not to, then there is nothing I can do. I think that because he has blamed me so much and for so long for everything, I have accepted the blame and so feel a sense of responsibility to help him, so I am trying to work on this but it's hard. I agree that probably going home and evaluating the situation when I am there is the right way to go. I dream big, but I do not want to have big regrets too and I will regret not going home to try and see where he is at. If nothing changes, then I will have no regrets choosing to move forward in my own direction too. My responsibility is always to listen to my needs and that is okay.
you are oh so welcome, venus...
i'm glad you've thought this thru... you really have a good head on your shoulders...
i def agree that maybe some of that blame has seeped into your psyche... and it's really up to you to decide if any of it is valid... if you find some validity - work to change what you don't like about yourself; and discard the rest!
anyway i see it though.... whoever ends up as your next partner - is one seriously lucky person!!!! 💜
Sounds to me like you should just break up with him.
It's been tough coz we have been through so much together.
Oh no you don't. You can't use what you've been through together as a reason to stay. Everyome experiences stuff it's part of life. Just because you went through it doesn't mean anything. How did he handle it? Did he comfort you in times of trouble? THAT'S what you should think about. But even so, it sounds to me like you're miserable. And if you're miserable nothing else matters. If you've been together this long and have done all the stuff you say you did to make it better and you're still miserable then you need to cut the cord.
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