a life, a story, a mess, and a poem.

[13ga]

<I> double u9 </I>

in house crazy,

doth come they forth.

from demon in form, corporeal source.

one first in grey mater, the sun of north;

then one not quite mater, such son of south.

in screams thru night,

he hides in fright,

the rules of gold

are forged till old -

in one that's first -

and not so bold.

the poles are set

opposed in force,

the course is set,

locked in, go forth.

;

in comes the last; long thought insane,

for who would walk, in such, inane.

he cometh with space, with rocket and suit;

and radios galore, and toys that would toot.

so quiet and meek, he would hardly speak;

but how talk can one - amid cries and shriek.

four poles are there now, 2 young, and 2 old;

that shriekest, that meekest, the north and the south.

3 battles that rage,

push, pull thru all age.

and yet bond did form, of meek and the poles.

of tronics did teach, the poles from the meek;

of lights, of zisters, of waves and signs call...

he's double u9, he stands proud and tall.

to puters and binary, the first north is drawn,

devoid of the mess, emotions be gone.

.

excels as always, the north to the top,

the rival begins, the south to keep up.

the green of the jelly, the green of the bling,

these are but few, of the south's favorite thing.

the lessons are learned, they're burned into rom.

the north he grows up; but south is like mom.

the meek he is left, with shriek so dire,

the north cannot talk, he burns with such fire.

like merry-go-round, the earth round the sun.

so many years gone, tween the meek and first son.

..

knowledge is gained, and lessons are learned;

a light she is found, and yet he gets burned.

eaten inside, by emotions long hidden,

forgiveness is found for shrieker and demon.

the toxic declines, but does light still shine?

...

finally at last -

first son of the north,

can sit at the table, and feast with the meek.

the bond is not lost, for all of that time...

but time that is lost, it's never to find.

for new time is found, but time that's so short -

the meek now so old,

the north now more bold...

few ticks do we share, so old with less hair.

c-q he's called home, that double u9.

my times been sold short, away goes my time...

that time was so sweet, with double u9.

with 7's and 3's, i call over waves...

but no one shall hear - he's now in a grave.

....

it's fear that remains, the south and the shriek,

i feel so alone...

the best they are gone.

i sit here and mourn, alone with my grief.

the shriek it still sounds - but it comes out of me....

[Hb2003]

amazing poem ❤️🌹

[Hidden]

Oh my a poet at heart. Thank you for sharing Rob ❤️🙏xxx

[Agora1]

13ga, this is a very deep poem that took my reading it twice over to feel your

emotions and what you were expressing (and I'm glad you did)

I gather it's about you and your brother, as distant as the North and South poles.

The loss of your stepdad and what this might mean for any relationship you have

left with your brother. Time has a habit of going by, never able to retreat what

is left. Your fire and rage are boiling but for dear mom you cry in silence until.....

I'm sure there is much more in this poem I may not understand because I don't

know your past issues. One thing I can say again is that I'm glad you got out these

emotions, It is important to release these sorrows. This may be the time to put down

your guard and be by your mom's side. May you be given the strength to hold everything

together during this sadness and grief. My thoughts are with you.

[Hidden]

Beautiful poem im sure your dad is reading it with great pride He is always gonna be there with you. I feel your pain My mom died when I was 8 but I still remember everything sending my best wishes to you Hugs 💕💖 message me if you need anything. Im always available to zoom too.

[13ga]

i'm still here... haven't had it in me to post anything... well cept for maybe 1 thing caught my eye last night....

.

insides in turmoil...

as if losing my step dad wasn't enuf... hands full dealing w/ mom... have discovered fears never knew possible for me... and i've hardly feared anything most my life...

but on top of ALL of that crap, and crap i've not even mentioned....

the worst of all is dreading dealing w/ my $ hungry narcissist brother... and the 'behind the scenes' attempts to manipulate my mom for god knows what... not to mention whatever in my face bullcrap he'll no doubt launch at some point....

worst dread of all - not even having my mom at some point - and dealing with maximum overload bullcrap from him as we will eventually have to deal w/ her estate...

and i KNOW how fracked up it is to be worrying bout this kind of crap that hasn't even happened yet - and i can't help myself...

.

just wanna run away, or disappear... or both... i'm sooo all over the place from 1 min to next....

..

** i cant possibly thank ALL for support and their thoughts, and kind words... can't thank enough.... it means more than i can say...

[Agora1 in reply to 13ga]

13ga, most people have more than they can handle with the loss of their parent.

It sounds like you have a lot more deeper issues going on with family as well.

I'm sorry for all you are going through right now. I will say that for now, keep your focus on what is happening right now and not what may happen down the road.

You can start feeling more and more overwhelmed and that's why the feeling of wanting to run away or disappear come into play. I remember feeling like that myself *for different reasons, when life got too unbearable. With therapy, it made me realize that I couldn't run anywhere because my thoughts would go with me.

Whenever their is a loss of a family member as well as an estate involved, there will always be those with their hands out looking for payday. It's sad because usually it is

between siblings.

Grieve the loss in front of you right now. By worrying about things that haven't even happened, it takes away from living each day to the fullest. I can feel the tension and stress in your response and you do need to give yourself some time to adjust to this reality right now.

Please give yourself some "me time" to relax those ruminating thoughts which are unhealthy as well as wearing on both your mind and body. I hope you will take this advice knowing that I care and want to keep you Safe. Namaste my friend xx

[13ga in reply to Agora1]

agora.... TY oh sooooooooooo much... wise wise words... i KNOW you're right....

and you're OH so right bout the tension and stress... no longer sure when i'm cogent or not anymore... dream or reality....

keep hoping its a dream... but keep can't waking up.... :-|

.

i'm w/ mom right now - she's trying to take a nap... to say she's out of sorts.... well - she just tried giving her cat 2 treats - and dropped 2 of the cats pills on the floor.... asked her what she's doing... "giving the treats"... mom- those are her meds!!! she looks at medicine bottle and just sighs....

my heart is bleeding... my brain is exploding....

Namaste Namaste Namaste Namaste Namaste

yowza.... 🤗🤗🤗 xx

[Agora1 in reply to 13ga]

Oh my gosh, you have your hands full. I'm glad that you are staying

with her right now. I'm so sorry for all you are experiencing. I hope your

mom will be okay as well as you. xx

[13ga in reply to Agora1]

heh - yep - full hands, feet, arms, brain.... and a brother full of spit

TY... xx

[Agora1 in reply to 13ga]

OMG, your emotions are raging, I can feel it within every word you write.

I'm worried about you. Please take a moment to step back and Breathe..

Not easy but necessary at this point. I care xx

[13ga in reply to Agora1]

TY, agora....

i'm home now about 6 hrs - returned from another lunch w/ mom yesterday & nother sleep over...

it felt great to be able to be there for her; provide comfort and company... we did have some really great conversations too.... she talked about not wanting to live anymore; which i was glad she was comfortable to open up to me about. i'm trying to get her into therapy/grief counseling - AND into some peer support groups.. but she's not quite ready yet... over the 26 hrs i spent w/ her LOTS of tears were shed - all mine... she commented she hasnt shed a tear yet; told her she still in shock... give it time - you'll cry when and if you need to... everyone grieve their own way...

your ability to read me - is epically legend! last night mom spent 30m on phone w/ my brother - who spent literally 1-2m asking how she - and 28m complaining about all his woes, which includes pain from the removal of a cyst from his ass. so he lost his pain in the ass - but we still have ours!!!!!! 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬

i just got off the phone w/ mom (4th call since i got home); she spent A FRACKING HOUR on the phone w/ bro - and clearly the "brain surgery" he just had in his ass did NOTHING to improve him as a human being - he spent whole time complaining; and moaning about his kids - and worrying that his cyst was caused by an infection that he got from the dirty dishes my nephews left in the sink !!!!! my fracking brain is exploding !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my mom doesn't wanna live???? I DON'T wanna live and watch this spit show!!!!! i told mom next time he complains about infection from dishes - tell him he'd have to let the dishes sit for weeks; break them; and shove a shard up his ass to maybe get an infection from them!!!!! something tells me she won't tell him that tho....

i also told her - make a list of "escape clauses" (excuses) to get the frack off the phone when he starts this spit!!!!!

3 consecutive whole body full massages wouldn't be enough to "take me away" for a while - they might get me down to be able to sleep thru a night. and massage is my holy grail for relaxation, so that's sayin something... not sure i have a clue what... but i think it says somtin....

.

agora; i cant begin to tell you how musical your words are to my over-driven brain. they're like a soothing siren's call (i think that's how men at sea lost their life - drawn in, and then forfeit life to siren?) - oh how i wish i could float on the soothing melodic notes of your words over to you... i'd gladly forfeit my life to you - if only to find some peace!

.

i got a LOOOONG road ahead, w/ shards of glass sticking up all along the way; and i forgot my boots - but i've got my tinfoil hat on if that helps... trying to look only 1 step ahead - but none of those steps looks like fun.

.

how am i doing on finding the silver lining; and keeping my positivity up? LOL

actually the brain surgery my bro had couldn't have been better timing - at least his assault is temporarily limited to the phone.

TY TYTYTYTYTYTY sooooooooooooo much for caring! xx xx

💜💜💜💜💜

[Agora1 in reply to 13ga]

Hi 13ga, I've read your response over many times last night and wasn't sure how

to respond. I thought I'd sleep on the answer and have a better response today.

I worry about the chaotic situation surrounding your family. I don't know any of you

but as a bystander looking in virtually, it seems that each one of you has their own

grief at this time.

It's sad in that it should be a time where family comes together even for a short time.

Your mom is feeling the loss of her partner and is scared in thinking of going forward.

Your brother sounds like a me me me type adding more stress to the pile. And you

my friend are besides yourself in consoling your mom and fighting the rage within you

towards your brother.

As a mother, it must be difficult for her to see and know the rift between her two sons. Again I don't know the family dynamics but it doesn't sound like this just happened.

This sounds like a long time split between brothers. At this time your mom needs a

strong person (which I'm assuming is you) to open up to and assure her you will be

there for her. It's not unusual in her not crying yet but when she does, she is going to

need that strong person beside her. I can just imagine the emotions she is feeling without shedding a tear. Holding this all inside, she is in disbelief and likely worried about how she will survive alone.

I guess for not knowing what to say, I more than came up with not words of advice (since only you can choose to know what to do). But my words are coming more from a virtual friend of support for you.

Remember one thing, you can only be as supporting to your mother as you are to yourself. With deep regrets for all you are going through. Agora1 xx

[13ga in reply to Agora1]

agora;

again i'm SOOOOO appreciative for your words... and you're dead nuts on in all accounts...

i AM left to be the only strong one left to hold mom's hand at this time... and i've been able to do exactly that - inspite of trying to deal with my own grief; and inspite of all the anger and a lifetime of bullspit i have for my brother - which actually i think is even MORE overwhelming than the grief i'm going thru for my dad!!!!

dad's gone; and his pains are over - but i'm left to try and be counsel, friend and protector to mom - and i gotta defend her from my own brother!!!! she does see him for what he is... i don't know if she realizes how deep the rift is between us - but she does know who and what he is... and she knows who and what i am... has even acknowledged this in our conv's and thanked me profusely for me being who i am.... confided i'm only 1 she feels she can talk to...

so i'm just tryin do my best; in a raelly spitty situation....

tx again... xx xx xx

[Agora1 in reply to 13ga]

13ga, Be proud of yourself for the man you are. You are the one holding this all together for your mom as well as yourself. I know how difficult this can be because

of what you are going through emotionally. But this is one of those times that we

can surprise ourselves by pulling up an inner strength that we didn't even know was

there. I'm proud of you too. I feel much better tonight in knowing you've got this my friend. xx

[13ga in reply to Agora1]

tx, agora....

i'm really trying... and 2nd guessing myself every step along the way... questioning ... well... evrything... it's dauntingly exhausting, and it's not a healthy mindset; and i know this - so i'm fighting against that too...

all that on top of trying to deal w/ my own crap leading up to my step dad's exit; trying to deal w/ his loss personally, and dealing w/ mom... and ALL the crap both present and future w/ my brother... knowing full well - not to worry bout the future till it arrives...

it's a constant battle within my head. it's a freaking war zone in there - and it already was to a far lessor extent before my step dad...

i'm running a dash - knowing full well, i've got a marathon in front me... (at least feels like that - alot)

.

i only wish i had the same confidence in me that you have! i mean i KNOW i CAN do this... but i sure as frack dont want to right now. so i'm just questioning whether whatever confidence i have is real or imagined... and at same time - know that doesn't matter.... got 24 simultaneous conflicting conv's going on in my head most times... and some of them are in foreign languages i dont yet know...

.

all that complicated with feeling alone, and ... well a bunch of other self negativistic kinds of thoughts i'm trying to avoid...

last night was a bit of weird night too... so this morn i'm not quite as grounded... working on that and tons of other crap - all before i go back to mom's tomorrow for another lunch & sleep over... which - just off the phone w/ her - she hinted at maybe staying 2 nights... which i really have enjoyed, and DO feel good for being able to comfort her... but my home is truly my sanctuary... so i also need to balance getting recharged...

I thought i had just got some minor relief from years of distress toward end of jan. an literally on the VERY next day - boom... a tiny bleeder turns everythign on end all over again.

i'm living mr toads wild ride - but that ride looks like a kiddie ride compared to mine...

.

somehow i've managed to babble multi paragraphs worth again... i guess on that i've got something in common w/ my bro... and that's a whole nother upsetting thought i should just push away! hope i made some sense... i don't even hav energy to reread once, let alone the 12x i normally reread before i hit 'post'.

.

but 'nuf bout me... how u doin? xxx

[Hidden]

Hi, I'm really sorry you're going through so much. I know this has to be so hard for you. Just try to take one day at a time. We all care about you on here!!!💖💖💖💖💖

[13ga in reply to Hidden]

tx googoo...

it's like moving from 1 alternate reality to another alt reality....

really appreciate all the thoughts... <3

[Nothing_but_books]

I looked, and I found. Thank you.

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

nice! lemme know what u think!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

Rereading now.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

Your poetry took me on a long, chaotic ride. I read and left. Processed for a bit. When you asked me what I think, I read again. I do not believe in analyzing poetry and / or prose. I believe it diminishes it. But the emotions, the story...! My friend, you took me on a long, hard ride. Your imagery is horrific and painful.

Then I read your post, and learned a bit of what a horrible time you are suffering through. Is it cheezy to say I am so sorry? (I am.) I wish I knew sooner and was here earlier to offer what comfort a virtual friend could bring.

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

thank you so much NBP... not cheesy; appreciated. especially that you went the extra mile to 'get caught up'... i'm very touched by that.

i also appreciate your comments about my poem... it has been all that and more - a very hard and chaotic ride! filled with emotions, frustrations, and anger running and spilling in all directions. bouncing off rocks and ricchocheting in all directions!

your efforts, time, and thoughts are a comfort, and appreciated.

Thank You.

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

👍 🦜

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

PS: what's your birds' name? does he talk? favorite phrases?

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

Her name is Tara. She is a Green-cheeked Parakeet. (Green-cheeked... Tara... get it?) She does not use human words to communicate, however she has trained me to understand quite a bit of her language. Especially "We are not pleased." Boy can she hold a grudge. But after she gets the bite out of her system everything is fine.

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

ROTF!! luv that name!!

i'm not surprised about the rest- birds have a long memory...

i had a gramps that had an african grey - named lucky - cause he was lucky gramps didn't kill him for all the times he nipped him!!!

another friend has had a number of birds over the years - but got his fill, and now just has a little dog.... he had a macaw, and at least 2 others- having trouble recalling - but 1 was ... what... pilgrim... something having to do with pilgrim... can't remember - but it was one of the SMARTEST birds around...

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

I'm not surprised. "Bird brain" is no longer an insult to those in the know. Pilgrim? Sounds like he was a John Wayne fan.

Maybe you'll enjoy this. I think it's adorable. You may have to click on the white title to go to youtube to watch. HU isn't so great about letting us watch here.

youtube.com/watch?v=K7z7sj6...(Not working as expected?)

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

omg - that's a rip roaring riot!!!!!! LOL!!!! loved that!

.

yes - absolutely true - about "bird brain" as a derogative...

* segway into science factoids...

the bird brain is actually quite amazing - for many many years we've thought that birds were incapable of higher feats of intelligence because we thought their brains lacked a "neocortex". when in fact - we were the birdbrains... they do have a structure that functions like the neocortex present in "smarter" mammals - we just failed to see it!

so while some birds def. lack the finer qualities of self survival - such as not holding their head up when it rains, and drowning themselves... most birds are actually quite intelligent.. and some breeds are outright brilliant problem solvers - such as the quaker (which is what i meant instead of pilgrim).

in fact the quaker is so smart - it can be quite a nuisance, and it's banned in some states!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

I never heard that about Quakers. Any details (or links)?

If you're really interested in bird intelligence, the woman that forced the scientific community to take bird intelligence seriously published a book about her research experiments. It's not dry at all, it's "human" and amazing. Titled Alex and Me by Dr. Irene Pepperberg.

A story goes with it. Anecdotal, but here goes. At a scientific forum on animal intelligence, a prominent research scientist was giving his speech on the uniquely primate origins of language "except for that damn Alex".

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

i do have some links... lemme find them...

heheh - NBP - i'm interested in almost everything!! i'm addicted to information... especially the sciences and technology... that book sounds like a hoot!! TX for the heads-up!

i LUV the story!!!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

I hope you find them.

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

here's some fun links about the quaker:

thesprucepets.com/facts-abo...

beautyofbirds.com/quakerinf...

enjoy!!!:

youtube.com/watch?v=B2ftZAk...(Not working as expected?)

youtube.com/watch?v=5vtXpCq...(Not working as expected?)

these birds are freakin riots!!!!

[Agora1 in reply to 13ga]

Thank you that's unbelievable, I enjoyed watching that.

[13ga in reply to Agora1]

i know right? - they are truly amazing birds!! i'm so glad you enjoyed! <3 xx

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

The second one, with "Tinkerbell" singing, had my baby Tara singing along. It's amazing how clear the words are. Thanks!

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

wow! that's hilarious! you should vid tara doing that n post on utube!!!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

Dinosaur, remember? Ancient flip-phone only. But it's a sweet idea. Would if I could.

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

yea... i hear ya...

but even a dinosaur can join us in the present! all things in their time!

maybe a neanderthal will accidentally drop a smart phone passing by, and their past-by loss could be your entry into the present!

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

You're sweet. I love time travel stories. Think one up for me and we'll share it. (You're the writer.) So far we have a cave man, a smart phone, and 😁 ME!

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

ooooooo i luv luv luv time travel stories!!!

first to mind - did you read a time travelers wife?

somewhere in time is another that comes to mind... jumper; omg sooo many good 1's...

.hmm... and i get to write one! i think i'm gonna like this... lemme think bout that!

OMG - and holy crap on a cracker!!!

i just had a thought - are you familiar with dr who ???

and his time machine - the tardis !!!!! (do you see where i'm goin??)

your bird - tara.... the taradis !!!!!!!!

.

i think my story has just become centered around "taradis" - which might be a time travelling bird cage captained by Tara. or maybe the taradis is something that was implanted within Tara...

i'm gonna have to noodle some more on this.... 🦜🦜🦜

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

Sorry I missed you last night!

No, I haven't read (or seen -- was it a movie?) The Time Traveler's Wife. Should I? Is it fun?

It's quite a while back now, but I did watch Somewhere in Time. Wasn't that written by Richard Matheson? (If you're old enough to remember the original Twilight Zone, he's the guy that wrote "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet". The one where only Shatner saw the creature on the plane wing...)

You would ask. Boy am I dating myself now 🦕. Yes, I used to love Dr. Who, but I'm talking about the one with Tom Baker -- the guy with the scarf.

Tara... Tardis? C'mon! You're stretching it, aren't you? Oh my you make me scream! You may have the making of a great graphic novel there!!! 😃

If you love time travel -- and you're a reader -- you must pick up and read a short by Robert A. Heinlein: "All You Zombies". When it was published, it turned the SF community on its ear.... or perhaps another by the same author "—And He Built A Crooked House". (That one's a short-short by the same writer.)

If you're to become a published writer, we must get you edumacated! 🤓 🦜

emilkirkegaard.dk/en/wp-con...

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

oh my yes - time traveler's wife - definite YES. awesome book. movie not quite as good - but still awesome!!

i'm not sure who authored somewhere in time... but i know the twilight zone episode you mentioned... that was a fun tale (even tho it was decades before my time! oh - i never lie... except for 1 thing)!

hmmm guy with a scarf? there was a dr that wore a scarf!!!??? wow - you learn something new all the time!!! ROTFLMAO

i don't know robert heinlein - TY for that heads-up i can't wait to read!!!!

and omg - "edumacated" ?? that's MY word!!! and trust me - you do NOT wanna be in my head!!! LOL 🤓 🤓

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

If you do get to Heinlein, give me a heads-up. I'll steer you to the good stuff. I'd love a review after too! Nothing I enjoy more than book-chat.

(Sorry, looks like I'm already there -- It's scary!! 😱)

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

i've got the link you shared up; and i'll def read it as soon as i can... probably have mor time to read it while i'm at mom's - she naps a lot right now...

you have my sincerest condolences... (for already being there) my best advice - save yourself and get out while you can!!! LMAO it's scarier than you can possibly know!!!! 😱😱😱😱😱

[Nothing_but_books in reply to 13ga]

😀

[13ga in reply to Nothing_but_books]

ahhh - just remembered that really smart bird - quaker !! incredibly smart!