Relationship problems for life.

[Confidencelove124]

I just got out of a previous relationship that wasn’t good for me. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust a guy again when you’ve been lied to the whole time.

[FearIsALiar]

Same here Melissa. I got out in November. I was the one to leave though. He was a narcissist and cheated on me the entire relationship.

[Confidencelove124 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Thank you so much, it’s so nice to have someone that I could relate to. Mine was a narcissist too, the thing is too that he was a 40 year old mine and is a predator since I’m only 22 pretty much and my parents wanted me to break things off with him for a good reason. I’m so glad that you got out of your relationship and learned to respect yourself with not putting up with the cheating. If you ever want to talk to me about anything you can always talk to me.

[FearIsALiar in reply to Confidencelove124]

My ex was a lot older than me as well. You’re parents are right. You definitely should break things off with him. Your parents know what’s best! It’s pretty clear that they care about you a lot. I am extremely happy I got out of that relationship too before I even possibly married and had kids with this dude. Also thanks you can always talk to me as well. I know it can get lonely sometimes especially dealing with a breakup

[Confidencelove124 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Hey sorry, I just saw your message! It definitely can be lonely after a breakup but it’s better to not be with someone who doesn’t treat you right. I’m happy that you got out before you had kids too. That’s the number one thing for me is not to bring a kid in this world if my partner doesn’t treat me right. You don’t want to teach your kids that it’s okay to be treated like that. Don’t want to follow in my moms footsteps.

[FearIsALiar in reply to Confidencelove124]

I agree. I don’t want my children to be afraid of love

[Confidencelove124 in reply to FearIsALiar]

Yea for sure! ❤️

[FearIsALiar]

Welcome to the group if you are new! 💞 you will find lots of great support on here

[KailaLili]

Hi Melissa, one of the hardest things is to leave a relationship behind. Remember to focus on self care during this time. You will have ups and downs, and be kind to yourself through it. Life will throw challenging relationships your way, but you have more knowledge now to know what is healthier for you. There are good people out there, and you will meet someone new in time. Yes, you may go into your next relationship with some trust issues/concerns, but the right man will work past that, and be understanding.

[Confidencelove124 in reply to KailaLili]

Thank you KailaLili!

[13ga]

hi Melissa, and Welcome!

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i'm so sorry to hear about the pain and grief you're enduring. and you wanna talk about trust issues? i've lived most my entire life - trusting NO ONE.

i can tell you from personal experience - this is no way to live - it's NOT living.

i think your distrust of men right now may be healthy for you. it might keep you out of a relationship for a while - and that's good - because it gives you time to work on YOU. improve YOU.

we learn very little from our successes in life - we learn major lessons from our mistakes - if we are open to examining them, and asking tough questions about ourselves. we are each a sum of all our experiences. you've had some really bad ones. but you're not just the sum of your bad experiences - you can be much more. you are clearly aware of why you got into that relationship - which means you CAN question your own motives. and if you can question them - you can change them when you don't like where they lead you.

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age, and age differences are meaningless! i know this upsets a lot of people - but it's true!!! i know people 12-17 years of age that have far more wisdom and act far more adult than do most "adults". I know MANY "adults" that have never matured past 12.

don't let stereotypes cause you to prejudge. let people prove or disappoint you on their own merits.

this does mean, you'll need to open yourself to more pain, because being vulnerable is the only way to know someone - but here's the key: small steps! trust must be earned, and must be earned in small steps that lead to bigger steps.

start by trusting only a very little; and move on from there. Know that your trust may be voided!! - but you can only know that someone is untrustworthy - by granting them some trust to break.

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don't give up; and speaking for the guys - don't let the many users, and aholes out there, reflect on the whole. there ARE some good guys out there. but it seems to me they're becoming fewer and fewer....

(of course, i could say the same for women too)

based on that - if you want true trust and love - get a pet!!!!

animals have never let me down; people - not so much....

[Confidencelove124 in reply to 13ga]

Hi there! I like that idea of taking small steps to improve myself! I do agree that it’s becoming fewer and fewer good people in the world. I actually have two dogs and they are the best people to be around 😊

[13ga in reply to Confidencelove124]

YES, melissa!!!!!

animals ARE the best people to be around!!!

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you're new here - so i'll retell a story; i volunteer @ an animal shelter.

and whenever i walk in the room - i always say "hi guys - nice to see you all; how's everyone doing?".

on 1 occasion one of the other volunteers - started to reply to me; and then realized - i was talking to the animals - NOT the people.

i always greet the animals first; people second!!!!

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what kind of dogs?

[Confidencelove124 in reply to 13ga]

That’s awesome that you volunteer at the animal shelter! It’s good to get out there and help people/ dogs, it makes you feel good and makes you feel like your making a difference in the the world!

I have a beagle and a mini Australian shepherd.

[13ga in reply to Confidencelove124]

oh wow!!! beagles are cute - but omg do i LOVE all kinds of shepherds!!!! i have a friend w/ an aussie shep; adorable dog! didn't know they had mini's!! how big??

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yes - i really like putting in time @ the shelter - i started to do that to restore my hope in humanity! it's definitely helping - but i still prefer animals!!

[Confidencelove124 in reply to 13ga]

My mini shepherd is about 13 inches, I love the size she is because she’s easier to pick up rather she likes it or not lol 😂 She doesn’t like to snuggle but we can’t resist her cuteness lol.

I’ve always have wanted to volunteer at a dog shelter! I still want to.

[Confidencelove124 in reply to Confidencelove124]

Whether*

[13ga in reply to Confidencelove124]

wow! 13" !!! that's teeeny !!!!!

she sounds adorable!!!!

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so what's keeping you from the dog shelter? you could do it for only 2-3 hrs at a time; 2-4x per month (depending on shelter)

it'd be a GREAT distraction for you! and while i'm not suggesting you look for another guy friend - if i were you - i'd work on healing myself first - but.... when/if you are ready - an animal shelter is probably a good place to find caring people - good people.

MY #1 question to anyone i might want to date - BEFORE 1st date - do you like animals? if the answer is no... just keep walking. not saying people that don't like animals can't be good - just saying i've never met anyone that truly loves animals - that isn't a nice person!!

full disclosure - i might be a little biased on this topic!!!

[Confidencelove124 in reply to 13ga]

I don’t have my license so I would have to get my mom to drive me to the animal shelter, plus I’m gonna be moving in a couple months. My Dad wants us to move since my ex keeps stalking me. But my Dad doesn’t really understand that he made the situation worse with him he was the first to stalk my ex and now my ex is doing that to me. I don’t want to move but in the long run it’s probably best for me to get out of town for a little while away from him.

But for sure I’m highly thinking about volunteering at a dog shelter after I move, it would be a great distraction, way better than the toxic guy that I was with!

I think that’s a great question to ask someone, if I’m gonna live with them then we need to figure out that. Also it does show what kind of person they really are.

[13ga in reply to Confidencelove124]

i'm sorry to hear that your dad started that mess... but it does sound like he cares about you, and is protective - so that's good.

but regardless of your dad's decisions - if the ex is stalking you - there's no excuse for that. NONE. if ex has a problem w/ dad - he should man-up and deal w/ your dad - not take it out on you. tells you alot about who your ex is - so i say good riddance!!

do you have hope of having a really good conv w/ dad, to help him see that what he's doing isn't helping?

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def keep the rescue idea in mind - maybe you can find one accessible via public transit. nothing beats helping animals!!!

[Confidencelove124 in reply to 13ga]

I don’t really have a good relationship with my Dad. He has always pushed me into things like he’ll get kinda up in your face if your not doing something he thinks you should be doing. He never helps you get through the anxiety that your having like getting my license and also getting a job, I have anxiety with interviews I care what people think. He just never thinks that your doing anything or even trying your best. Then after he learned about my ex he started treating me like my drug attic sister like I’m just gonna be a lair for life now like she is. I made a mistake and lied to my family because I thought that this was something real with this guy. My Dad wonders why he doesn’t have a relationship with his kids, it’s because he doesn’t know how to go about it a different way. Thanksgiving was about the worst part of this year. I tried telling him all the things he has done to give me anxiety and never apologized for anything. He wonders why I got into a relationship that wasn’t good for me he is part of the reason and refuses to own up to it...

[13ga in reply to Confidencelove124]

oh melissa!!!

are you by chance my long lost sister???

i soooo get you. had issues w/ several of my p's most my life (each divorced, remarried - so 4 p's). had same issues w/ my dad - especially during collage years... literally hated my mom most of my life... she sucked as a mom (and i'm being kind).

but there's something i learned bout my mom, that i'll share w/ you... i figured out that as F*Ked as a mom as she was - it wasn't her fault. her mom F'd her up too. and because she's always been exactly as she's always been - i realized I can't change her. she can only change her spots if she wants - and she doesn't even know she has spots.

so you know what this realization did for me? i was able to forgive her, and release the anger i've carried my entire life. i never said a word to her - cause what would be the point - i forgave her in my head. she still infuriates me - but i now have the best relationship w/ her i've ever known. and it's NOT having a better relationship w/ her - cause that doesn't mean much to me.... it's dumping that f'g baggage of anger i've lugged for sooo dam long!!

my step mom is reverse situation. she was only real mom i've ever known - but later in life, she's proven what an incredible hypocrite she is. and that's one of my biggest triggers. so while i now know that i'm capable of forgiveness - and know it's in my own best interest to do it - i still haven't been able to forgive my step mom.

so what's all this mean for you? sounds like you have a jerk for a dad. but he may not be jerk because you don't do what he thinks you should do - he may be a jerk, b/c his parents were jerks - and that's all he knows how to be. he may at some point see his spots - but i wouldn't hold your breath waiting....

the fact that you felt the need to lie to your family speaks volumes... speaks about your trust issues w/ your family - and even possibly - speaks about what you may have known deep down about your ex.

but here's the moral of this long story.... we're all just human. we're ALL imperfect. and what pisses me off to no end - none of us was given operating instructions for these f'g skin bags we're all trapped in!!! :o)

we are all the sum of our experiences; we all make mistakes; it's mostly from our mistakes we learn anything - IF we learn at all...

you're a better you today than you were yesterday. you know an entire day's worth of experience more. you'll be even better tomorrow - IF you learn and don't ever stop exploring who you are. AND know that as we grow - if we continue to learn - we change who we are - hopefully for the better.

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i know the pain you're feeling; w/ family; w/ ex; w/ fear...

keep pushing yourself forward; keep learning; keep growing; try to face and conquer your fears! you will stumble. we all do. that path is never straight - and whoever maintains the path does a sh*t job - cause they're imperfect too!!!!! 💜💜💜 oxo

[Marshall64]

Hopefully you will find someone you can trust. You are young and still have your life ahead of you. Don't let this experience close your heart. There are good men out there that will be wanting to just be with you and want to make you happy.

[Confidencelove124 in reply to Marshall64]

Thank you Marshall! 😊

[Confidencelove124]

Omg, you have to be my long lost sister!!!!

It’s so nice to have a person who relates to me! I mean I a few people that have gone through some stuff with there parents but they also roll it off acting like it’s nothing because they’ve gone through it too. My boss ( she’s the same age as me) and she has issues too with her parents but is kinda like judging you like thats not a real reason to call out. Which I have my suspicions that my ex was cheating on me with her since he named her contact in his phone snuggle bunny and when my Dad was stalking him at his house he said there was a short girl and other boss is short.

I think we are all doing the best that we can, and for my Dad to say we’re not doing anything or dragging our feet with moving is wrong. My mom has a bad back so she can only do so much.

How was your step mom an incredible hypocrite if you mind me asking? My ex was a hypocrite as well.

I would like to some day go to a therapy session with my Dad, but he doesn’t like therapists getting inside his head because they will tell him stuff that he doesn’t want to hear. He had a family life where there was 8 other kids in the house hold and they would always like to play the blame game and judge you. They would fight and my grandma would turn away and act like nothing happened. Also I don’t think my Dad knows what love is because his parents never taught him it. I got lucky because of my mom, she did the best she could raising my brother and I when we didn’t have a father.

Your right though, I don’t have to technically have a relationship with my Dad. But I can forgive him so I don’t hold on to grudges and hurt. It’s the best way to heal yourself from hurt 💜💜💜💜