freaking out again (yay!)

[langedechu]

guys so the police are done with my phone and my mom said that she would give it back to me (with restrictions of course) which is the somewhat good news. the somewhat bad news is that there's part of me that doesn't want it back. for those of you who don't know what happened i got in trouble with a group of dudes and i didn't know them irl. things got messy. i confessed to a friend and she convinced me to tell my mom even tho i didn't wanna at first. anyways the police got involved, took my phone + laptop etc etc but yeah part of me doesn't want my phone back bc i don't wanna be tempted to go back to the people i lost. anways what REALLY hurts is that my mom went through my text and there was basically nothing from anyone. dust. like i go ******* missing for almost two months and i get two texts?? wtf?? I've been building up my confidence lately and trying to see myself in a better light but now that this happened i don't even know what to think about myself. no one seems to give a **** enough to care about me or anything but **** it yall can get outta my life now.

[langedechu]

forgot to say before but even like looking at the stupid phone just brings back all of the pain and it's like a really bad trigger so how am i supposed to get over all of it

[Tony042]

I either love or hate my phone. No in between. I hate how anxious it can make me at times and I wish I could just use it for music and pictures most of the time. I find myself a lot more relaxed or even in a better mood the days that I leave it alone. Even if it sucks not seeing any texts after a while, at least while I was ignoring it, It was nice.At the same time I can't off of it most days so its hard to find a balance.

[langedechu in reply to Tony042]

yeah i get that and i used to have a phone addiction which sucked and i don't wanna get back into those habits along with possibly returning to the bad sh** i did in the past etc etc. it just scares me.