Depression, Anxiety, Parenting, and Surviving

[LexiLuther]

Hey all. I'm new to this site. I happened to stumble upon it while researching help for my depression and anxiety. I'm having trouble coping every day and it is to the point that I feel like I'm nearing a borderline breakdown. I'm looking for people to talk to with similar experiences that may have advice on how to make it.

A little about me and my current situation:

I am 28 years young. A second-time college student currently trying to get through finals. I don't feel as sharp as I did my first time in college and it has taken more effort on my part to maintain an "A" average.

I am a single parent to a beautiful 2-year-old daughter, but I am struggling to be a good parent because of my disabilities.

I'm a former gifted and talented child who feels like they have not accomplished what was expected of them.

I'm single but attract sociopaths, so that has a direct negative impact on my mentality.

I come from a long line of depressed family members, yet none of them are as severe as I am, and they don't quite understand. They normally just tell me to "Be happy."

I struggle to leave the house daily. It's a huge step for me just to get ready enough to be in public much less be around strangers. I'm paranoid occasionally and feel like everyone knows I struggle with depression and anxiety even if they don't know me. I know it doesn't make sense logically, but my anxiety takes over if I am around strangers.

My friends are beautiful, but they don't quite understand why I disappear for a couple of months and they pop back up to check on them when I'm out of my low point.

I generally am prescribed Wellbutrin for my depression, but I lost insurance last year. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for December 31st and I am seeking help from everywhere I can just to make it to my therapy appointment.

Feel free to direct message me. I am available most of the day. <3

[Starrlight]

Hi glad u r here!

I get paranoid too that others will know there is something ‘off’ about me, even if I’m simply walking by them, when as you say, it’s illogical, but it really does ‘feel’ that way.

If people treat me badly because they are mean or stressed about their own problems or maybe it is me they don’t like well I sometimes think it’s all my fault and I must be acting stupid or looking ugly or am too odd in some way or well something.

Well I think you will like it here and best to you.

[LexiLuther in reply to Starrlight]

Thank you, Starrlight. I really appreciate the reply. You're absolutely right when it comes to people being mean for no reason. I overcompensate by being overly nice, then I feel like an idiot because I was too nice or talked too much.

I saw your post earlier about how anxiety gets in the way of you going out. I experience similar feelings, but didn't comment because I'm not sure how to battle it yet. Just knowing someone goes through the same thing as me makes me feel less insane. Thank you so much for the support.

💙

[Starrlight in reply to LexiLuther]

Ha! Yeah now we are both less insane! I love it. I get sort of overwhelmed and disoriented when I’m anxious so I feel stupid when I have to understand a new task and such. Oh well I guess as long as I know I’m not I shouldn’t care what others might think. I’ve got to work on not caring.

Even if you were “too nice” it’s waaaay better than being mean. And talking “too much” eh that’s okay.

Do you pick on yourself? Today I was noticing that I make up what I think someone is thinking when they pass by me or meet me and it’s terrible because I pick on myself. I’m working on that now that I’ve noticed it. I was so used to being picked at by adults when I was growing up that I think I do it without really thinking.

[LexiLuther in reply to Starrlight]

I have a bad habit of assuming what others are thinking, too, and yes, it's always negative. I bully myself pretty badly sometimes, especially concerning academics. If I score less than an A on something I beat myself down over it. The adults in my life picked on me to an extent. They always expected the very best out of me and were never proud of how I was doing even though I graduated with honors.

My anxiety absolutely clouds my head when I'm trying to learn new things. I can't process the information because I can't focus. I have like a million little thoughts racing in my head and I can't focus on just one. It is the WORST.

You seem like such a nice and upbeat person; I hate that you're having to tackle all of these mental hardships.