Digging up buried trauma

[bdffdb79]

Recently I have been trying to find the root, or roots that caused my anxiety and depression (there are other problems I have as well). I have had a lot of bad things happen to me through out my life. And I have always had the mindset that one was no better or worse than the others, so how could I really track down the one event/incident that started this crazy emotional roller coaster I have been on? I recently saw an article online about a young boy who was being bullied at school. I think most of us as kids were bullied at one time or another. When I was younger we didn't have the internet so cyber bullying wasn't even in our vocabulary's. Bullying is bullying no matter how it is done. This little boys story was just a slight bit different from all the others though, he was being bullied by his teacher. And all of a sudden it hit me. I guess throughout my life I blocked out a lot of traumatic things that happened. I didn't forget about them, I just blocked out the magnitude of the event. I won't go into great detail on here, but I want to get my story out there, let other kids who are being bullied by teachers know that they aren't the only ones. The sheer fact of being bullied is traumatic in itself, but to be bullied by a teacher puts the student at an even higher risk of further bullying from students as well. How can you tell someone that you are being bullied by the person that you're supposed to go to when you're having problems at school? I was a good kid growing up, always did my homework, got good grades, never got into trouble. I grew up in a very small town. I was in the same school district k-12. Up until I got to 4th grade I loved school. My 4th grade teacher, for some reason, decided that she didn't like me. She treated me like I was the worst student on the planet. Like I said I won't go into detail about what she put me through, but thinking back she is the root of everything I have had to deal with since then. She called me names, told the class that my parents didn't love me because I missed a homework assingment. She put my desk at the back of the class facing the wall and made me write sentences out of the dictionary, and while the rest of the class was doing fractions in math, I was made to do multiplication. I was always kept inside during recess, when the class got rewarded for something I was left out. Her actions caused the rest of the class to join her in her bullying. They would call me names, throw stuff at me, trip me, spit on me and even steal my stuff. The teacher would laugh and taunt me. Just writing this makes my anxiety go through the roof. I have never in my life hated someone so much as I do her. It has been about 30 yrs since all of this happened to me. And I realize now that once I was out of her class, I just pushed it all away, I never got the proper help I needed. I had the support of my family. My mom went to the school and tried to take care of the matter, but they just laughed it off and told my mom I was the problem. I had a bus driver that year that was the exact same way. I was dealing with bullying everyday of my life.

I guess what I really would like to do is to get my story out there. I would like to be able to tell that teacher just how much of a piece of sh** she is. But more than that I want her to see that despite her destroying my self esteem, causing me to have severe anxiety and depression in my later years, I did not completely fail at life. I graduated, went to college and now have to bachelor's and my cosmetology license in NM and Tx.

Although I so badly want to shove it all back down and not deal with it right now, I need to let others know that bullying by teachers is real. I don't know how to get it out to where she would be able to see it.

Is there a place I can get this out for people to see? I want to put my full story out there, raw unedited nothing left out. And if it can just help one person, then I will have accomplished more than I could ever have hoped for.

[Hidden]

This made me tear up a bit. I'm so sorry for what you went through. I can't imagine the hurt it's caused you. I am just so awfully sorry. I don't know where you could share your story, but I do know that it takes a special kind of person to be willing to recount their trauma to for the sake of others. Congratulations to you for going on to make something of yourself! That is very inspiring!I have a story of trauma from about 5 years ago that I would like to get out there as well. I, like you, do not know how to do this short of writing a book. For now I have settled on telling my story when and where I think it would be beneficial for others to hear. Maybe that is what you should do? What do you think?

[bdffdb79 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you! You're reply made me tear up a bit too! This is the 1st time I have threw this out for the world to read. I have tried to talk about it in the past but was told over and over that I just needed to let it go. Have you thought about making a blog? That is what I am currently researching. I am also contemplating putting it out on Facebook as well. I am hesitant about FB because there are a lot of people on there that were in my life during that time frame. It's almost like I am reliving it all over again. 30 years later and here I am putting it all out there so people can make fun of me again, or at least those are my fears. I have always thought that everyone else was better than me. Maybe we could start something together? Finding this site has already had a huge positive inpact on me. I wish I would have done this years ago 😀😀

[Hidden in reply to bdffdb79]

You teared up too? I'm sorry🙃 (trying to cheer you up with this).No, I haven't thought of doing a blog for this. I'm glad to hear that you're cautious about FB. The last thing we need is someone giving us a nasty comment because that would just bring it all rushing back. I was on Skype with my folks last night about my trauma being triggered this week. My dad said something that made it sound like he was downplaying what I went through and it hurt a lot. So yes, I hear you.

Oh dear, you're just as worthy as the next person. I'm so awfully sorry that you were made to feel like you weren't.

I'm not sure how we can start something together. I'm also wavering on how much of mine I really want to get it out there. It would bring up a lot of hurt. Mine almost resulted in me ending my life, so I'll have to think about it.

[bdffdb79 in reply to Hidden]

Oh my gosh! I am so sorry The fact that you tell it when you think it will help is amazing! That in itself is a huge accomplishment!

[Hidden in reply to bdffdb79]

Thank you! Your words are much appreciated!:)Our hearts are in selfless places to want to do get this out there. With mine, I want people to know that they can make it through...actually, I don't know how to word it.. Mine in a nutshell is having gone through 7 consecutive months of practically no sleep (none during the nights and little during the days) due to the torturous physical symptoms of Restless Legs Syndrome (RLS).

I don't want to hog your post, so I'll stop there. You are amazing for wanting to do this; we are amazing for wanting to share our story. Cheers to us!!

[Hidden]

💔🙁 So sorry to hear! 🙏 ❤

[formidible]

I think you really need a counselor or therapist to go through all this with you on a longer term basis. You need to trust someone who's qualified to deal with trauma. There are many out there. Thanks for sharing your story.

[mrmoto]

formidible offers very wise counsel. Your comments present serious personal issues that counselors and others are trained to handle. Many people discover through this healing process that they may have repressed other, and, perhaps even worse memories. You can easily lock yourself into a cycle of self induced trauma from which you cannot extricate yourself. Please seek medical intervention. I hope you find the peace you seek.