I was reading an interview with an actress who has recently gone through a breakup and her therapist told her that her body was going through withdrawal from love, that she was used to exchanging happy chemicals with the person she was in love with and now there had to be a period of adjustment.
As a (much older than this young actress) person who has never been in a relationship and who does not have any friends, I wonder if there has been significant damage to my overall health by being so alone. I know that skin hunger is a real thing and I would love to be touched in an intimate way but I'm probably so damaged that there is little point in ever even trying to be with another person. I hate that I've done this to myself (my personal mantra) and I loathe the end of lock down because nothing will change for me. I don't want to be here anymore like this and I can't see an end to this black pit that exists where my heart lives and I'm worried that I have permanently damaged my physical health as well. I didn't post this as a question because it isn't since only a medical doctor could tell me my overall health but it stands as a warning to anyone who is still young enough to change themselves for the better, if your social anxiety/shyness/AVP is keeping you back in life, CHANGE IT NOW. It calcifies into something ugly as you age.
I don't see myself changing, I've been this way so long that it's sort of a comforting little prison. I know that's not a positive thing to say but it's honest, I'd like to at least be honest here and I've never changed anything about myself even a little bit. On the one hand, it's a terrible character trait, this type of stubborn mind set and on the other hand I'm proud that I've never let anyone talk me into doing something I didn't want to do. For better or worse, that's who I am.
you are who you are, that is an amazing trait to have. and if you don't want to change, thats fine too. but otherwise you sound like you know what you want to do.
I feel for you i got divorced 20 years ago. I hate being alone but can't even get through the first date without feeling sick and needing the toilet it's ruining my life .I like company my son has left home years ago I just can't push through the anxiety it's do sad. Try get out make new friends join some groups good luck xx
Even without physical contact you can be a whole soul. Whenever you speak a kind words here or care for a plant or pick up a piece of trash on the side of the road you bring the world to a brighter, happier place. People are good and important but not having them doesn't make you damaged, I truly believe that each time you do something out of the kindness of your heart you can still reap those benefits.
I know that I am a whole person but I need to have friends, I don't have anyone to talk to about my life, I don't get to hear about other people's lives. It's lonely and I feel that it has damaged me. It hasn't made me a bad person, although I could certainly be a better person, I feel a sadness at all times because of the lack of love in my life. I'm fortunate to have my family, I realize that but I cannot form bonds with people and that has led me to nothing but disappointment.
I want to say that as long as youre alive there's still time for you. Be willing to reach out to other people. You seem like a beautiful soul!!! Let people get to know you.
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Thank you. I am incredibly shy, it's my biggest problem. If I could go out and make friends, I would but I don't have the ability to connect with people.
This resonated with me greatly. Physical touch can make a profound difference in stress levels and your general health. Something as simple as a foot massage or back rub or even a good long hug can affect you and your body in a positive way. Positive touch can do wonders. Just my opinion.
I think there is hope for us chronically shy people, I’m reading ‘The highly sensitive person’ by Elaine N. Aron. Not only does it help you to not feel so alone but gives you support and ideas of how to enter the world and ways to cope as you do Id definitely recommend it
Hello alone and sad, I can relate. I was feeling this way yesterday. I made so many sacrifices for my family and sort of got put out on an ice barge at the end of the day. I don't think they realize how hard they made life for me but their issues have been difficult and chronic. I have grown in ways I otherwise wouldn't have been able to as a person but my soul is so lonely! And especially during Covid, I miss hugs. Maybe as an older person, there are some lost opportunities that will never come back, but we have to keep trying because the alternative is paralyzing depression and anxiety. I have a dog, that helps. Lately I have been thinking about trying to learn how to ride horses, Covid permitting. I may even consider adopting older children at some point when I can rescue my finances post quarantine. Yesterday I was feeling really down, and like nobody. I was very depressed and hard on myself. This morning I got up and decided I am going to do the good things I set out to do this month even if I feel like garbage and see what happens. There is someone out there in this pain filled world who needs you and the love you have to share, I promise. We all have so much to give and even when we don't get what we want in life, does it really matter? I told myself yesterday the world will not fall apart if I don't get what I want in life. And as another idea that worked for me in the past, maybe you could hire someone to get an affirming massage? Non threatening touch can be found with the right massage therapist and I have heard that hot rock/stone therapy is also good. I would like to try that sometime. I did a rolfing series once, and also got regular massages when I was younger and it did help me feel less desperate for human touch. Hang in there!!! Might be time to think "out of the box."
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Thank you. Massages are not available now due to the pandemic and I cannot have pets where I live. I don't think I want to live if there isn't hope for me to one day have even a short relationship. Before I die I would like to fall in love just once. I don't expect a forever love but I want to know the feeling even if only for a little while.
Hi, believe it or not there are many people who get a seemingly slow start and finish with a bang!! Many people get a seemingly fast prosperous begining sailing along on top and crash. Perhaps you were not ready, your story/life events may have lead you to this current place you find yourself in. You are important and do not have to move at the same rate as status quo. What one may think is small another May view as big. have you ever read The Book of Job? It’s in The Old Testament. It covers a story of a man who has nothing....lost entire family completely, no money, his health deteriorates to the point of death, and all of his so called “friends” turn out to judge, condemn, and abandon him. Yet even after all of that, this ONE man, all alone comes back and ends up a happy and healthy fella at an age much older than you. Just a thought, it is an inspirational story. Good Ole Job. Here’s a giant hug and a big smile strait to you!
Thank you for reading and responding, I appreciate it.
Further thoughts...have you considered you might be on the spectrum? Several people in my family are slightly autistic and have a lot of trouble making and keeping relationships for no apparent reason. I see a lot of rigidity in their attempts (or lack thereof) to make friends on their terms only that seems to prevent them from being successful in developing meaningful friendships and/or romantic relationships. At the same time they shy away from people, they are very lonely and feel like for whatever reason, they can't connect. I see them as almost their own prison wardens because plenty of people would want to be around them if they would sort of lighten up and not be so controlling about everything they do. I am not saying this is you, but just a thought. My one family member complains he has no friends, and then says he just doesn't like people. But then he goes on to express sadness, and a wish to "have friends someday." It breaks my heart really, and I am at a loss to help them because they can't see it, sigh. I think we can all have love and friendships if we are willing to give love and acceptance to others unconditionally. All relationships are somewhat messy and never 100% free of conflict; love in reality always has clay feet at some point in my experience. It is often how we navigate through those parts of the relationship that enable it to go forward or tank into nonexistence. Just my thoughts...
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I've not been diagnosed as being on the spectrum so I don't know. I had friends as a child, not many of course and I benefited from going to a small school where the kids were sort of forced to get to know each other. I made a few friends in high school as well, not many again and we lost touch after graduation. I really suffered in college where I didn't make any friends and had no social interaction and from there on out I have not had friends. From what I've read, people tend to be diagnosed on the spectrum fairly young and that did not happen to me. Avoidant Personality Disorder is the thing that resonates most with me as it tends to form when shyness becomes more problematic as one reaches adulthood but I've never been to a therapist or psychiatrist so I don't know if I have it (many mental health professionals don't agree that AVPD exists, they classify it as extreme social anxiety).
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Hi, my son always had an "IEP"plan in school but they could never pin point what the problem was. He is in his 20's now and the world has come a way in understanding what it means to be on the spectrum. He is really struggling right now and I am so sad for him my heart is breaking. He is a good person, and a capable person, but just doesn't get the social stuff. He wasn't diagnosed early because the tests don't really diagnose the milder cases. By the time I sort of got a clue, he was over 18 and wasn't interested in being tested anymore. He used to say he was the most socially awkward person he knows, now he says he doesn't trust people because "they aren't genuine." I don't know how to help him. We all need people in our lives so much. I am beginning to do research on "social skills"groups to see if I might create something that he can participate in. I am not familiar with "avoidant personality disorder" but I do know that my son had a good number of friends in his younger years, but as people matured he couldn't maintain his relationships and got left behind socially. He is very hurt right now and confused about why he has been so left out and rejected. As I said, it is heartbreaking for me as a parent and he is a very good person so I guess I am going to try my hardest this year to see what I can do, if anything. Good luck with connecting with people, don't give up! Hugs.
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I am so sorry for what your son has experienced, it must hurt a lot to have your friends move on and leave you behind like that. I'm a good deal older than your son and there was no social media in my time to keep in touch with people. I lost touch with the friends I had in elementary school because I went to a high school that none of them attended, many of them went to school together and maintained their friendships that way. I then lost touch with the few friends I made in high school when we all went off to different colleges. Again, no social media and I'm not great on the phone, I really hate to call people because I feel like I am bothering them. I didn't make friends in college, I didn't stay in the dorms because it was close enough for me to take commute everyday, I did that on purpose because I knew that if I went away to school, I would most likely come home one day and never go back. It's one thing to not make friends but at least have your home to retreat to every night, it's much worse to be away and have to hear everyone else having a good time while you are all alone. I didn't think I would graduate if I went away to school so I stayed home to ensure that I graduated in four years. I hated college, I was very lonely and I could still tell that most of the kids were having a good time and I felt left out but I could go home and cry by myself which at least allowed me some dignity.
I hope your son can get better, no one should live like this, it's a painful existence, it ends up being a wasted life. Please help him as best you can.
To be honest, I get fed up with reading about so called celebrities and how hard there life is. Ordinary people have hard lives too, but dont go spouting about it in the press and advertising their therapists. These aren't real lives are they? If they were, they would deal with their issues quietly and in private apart from a few close friends. Don't get drawn into thier lives and compare yourself with them. They are just trying to get themselves back in the limelight.
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I appreciate that she is taking about mental health issues. We all have our own problems and it's heartening to know that young people today at least have celebrities that openly discuss things like depression, I wish I had heard that these issues are common and a person is not abnormal if they aren't happy 24/7 when I was a kid.
You are connecting with us here and that’s a great start. I’m not physically alone but I feel completely alone. We all have different situations going on. I admire your self reflection
Your strength is admirable and I truly hope you meet a friend who can make you smile. At the same time, most people do disappoint us with poor behavior so be careful. You seem more respectful and intelligent than most
I've also disappointed many people in my day! I try to apologize when I can and make things right but disappointment is often a two way street and I'm certainly aware of my many faults.
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Id definitely recommend it
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I'm hurting. How do I make it stop??
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