Uncertainty and Covid

[Nutella2020]

I am new here. I struggle with PTSD and General Anxiety Disorder from a violent situation where I was nearly killed. In spite of this, I remained determined to raise my children, rebuild my life, purchase my own home eventually, received my degree in higher education in the midst of the madness unfolding.

Then I had breast cancer, but have been in remission for 14 years. I am concerned about the stress of all of this will weaken my immune system.

Now with COVID, lack of honest leadership in the US, misinformation, and experiencing devastating news on a daily basis about it, and having been tested twice, I just can't take any more of the divisiveness, uncertainty, and selfishness. People fighting over masks? Killing, or injuring people.

I am at the point, where I just can't sleep anymore. In fact, I dread going to bed because I have exhausting dreams of losing control, getting lost, etc. I can't afford or even find a therapist where I live. I saw one, and she wanted me to fill out a contract that was 15 pages long before she would see me. Basically holding her harmless, and charging exorbitant fees if I missed a session.

I can't concentrate, I'm having short term memory issues. I force myself to complete one task a day, even if it is minor. I am worried about my 83 y.o. Mom whom I have not seen since February. She lives alone. I live out of state.

I feel like I can't get out of my own way. I also have physical limitations that prevent me from doing many things. I want to regain my life again. I am a fighter, I push, and push forward. I don't sit around in wallow in self-pity or wring my hands over every little thing. It is just now I feel so overwhelmed and lost. My husband died 2 1/2 years ago, and my only sibling died 3 years ago.

I am not good at meditating at all, it actually makes me more anxious!

I guess I am looking for some feedback, encouragement, and suggestions on how to get out of this rut. The future looks bleak and it shouldn't be this way.

Thanks for reading this.