I feel like my entire life has been made up of "almost" moments. Moments where I almost got what I wanted, but it either didn't happen the way I envisioned or didn't happen at all.
Because of Covid, I have had a record breaking number of these. It started with the cancellation of my senior trip to Europe. A trip I had been planning for years, just never even got to be. And I had warning signs that it wasn't going to work out. We couldn't find a time frame that would work and then my cousin got pregnant and was due around the time we had finally settled on. So, it was a doomed trip.
Then my school announced that our school year would be moving to online. I'm a senior so this news was particularly devastating. All of these last moments, I will never get to have. And for many weeks, graduation and prom were on standby and we prepared for the worst.
But miraculously, my school told us there was a big possibility we would be having both! And I was getting my dream graduation!
It would be on the football field!!! I was so excited because thats where my mom graduated and I knew the pictures would be beautiful because of the great lighting we have in June in my state. I was beyond excited.
Prom rolled around and it was perfect. I didn't enjoy it but everyone else did, so that was normal. That was the last time things were good for me.
Today, the day before graduation, they just announced that our graduation will no longer be held on the football field. The disappointment I felt was one I have never experienced before. It was literally crushing. And then when I found out why, I was crushed even more.
We are supposed to get rain tomorrow. Really?
It has been perfect weather on every graduation day for almost a decade. And usually graduation is held in May, which is our height of rainy and tornado season so it was always a miracle that it wasn't rainy or stormy. We rarely get rain in June! Rarely!
But our luck has it that the first time in over 20 years that we are supposed to have a graduation on the football, the weather has to be bad. Year after year of perfect weather for graduation, and the year it is supposed to be outside, it rains. What the actual heck? Who up there hates us that much that they have had to make this whole process so awful!?
To make it even better, before they revealed the reasoning for the move, I had come to an acceptance and instead chose to look at the bright side; that I still had my graduation party.
My beautiful graduation party with bright flowers and balloons and a multitude of beautiful desserts. A perfect graduation party...outside.
Well now that it could rain, there goes that plan. No outside decorations like balloons. No food set ups outside for people to enjoy. We'll be lucky if the flowers even make it through the night with the stormy weather. And all of this could have been redone, had we planned for it weeks ago.
I know the weather is uncontrollable, but it just feels like nothing can ever work out, at least for me.
Graduation was the first thing in maybe years that I have allowed myself to look forward to, because every time I look forward to something, it never goes my way. And when I say every time, I mean every time. Whenever I allow myself to look forward to something or get expectations for it, I'm extremely disappointed. It feels like the universe wants to prevent me from being happy. That's what it feels like.
Because even if I do end up having fun doing something or end up liking something, I never got to have those amazing days leading up to it where I was so excited.
But here I am, I allowed myself to look forward to my dream graduation and what happened? It went wrong.
So thank you universe, for taking away something that I have been looking forward to for months. Thank you for bringing me the world of disappointment and reminding me that things don't work out for me. Thank you.
Tired of college, but I don't want to quit.
I'm tired beyond belief and get no enjoyment of life.
I SO WANT THIS T-SHIRT!
i am so tired of living like this 
I'm tired 
