New and upset I’m relapsing

[naortk]

Hi all. I have a history of depression and anxiety (it runs in my family) and didn’t realize it until I was 33 years old when my postpartum depression was so bad I needed medication. I was on meds for 4 months and they helped, but absolutely destroyed my libido. I went off the meds and have felt fine, though my anxiety came back, which I expected, but since the depression was gone, I figured I would deal.

But today I realize I think I’m relapsing. Not only have I been mostly joyless, but I’ve been forgetting to eat meals and am realizing I convinced myself that “eating for fuel instead of pleasure” was all that was happening. I even realized I’ve been drinking a glass of wine at the end of many days (the past 3 weeks or so) to just feel some relief.

I’m really scared this time because I have two small kids who need me, and I’m determined not to let them see this, so I fake joy and hide the depression so that they can thrive. I had been seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, but I just didn’t feel like there was any progress (it felt like useless talking and she never prodded me to tell more, so that felt uncomfortable). I need help, advise, and support.

[Blue202]

Hi Noartk,

I understand what your going through. I am new here and not yet official diagnosed but in the test process of my physical symptoms. I've been dealing with this most recent episode for almost two weeks straight now. In totality about a year and a half. I finally went to see a DR and after some tests/questions he has recommended some therapy that is how I know we are probably just going through the testing motions for me. I know how having a drink can help make the day feel slightly better. I also know how hard it can be to hide when you are depressed. I am not looking forward to meds but I don't know how else I will deal at this moment. I am not sure how I will get through therapy either as I never talk to anyone about my deep down problems or concerns so that will be extremely hard for me. But I also know I can not continue on this way so I will try and try again I guess until I find something that works for me. I hope you'll hang in there too. If the DR you were working with wasn't a good fit maybe try another one. I read Psychologist are a good place to start. That's probably where I'll end up after I'm done testing with my DR. Stay strong & take care.