Hi all. I have a history of depression and anxiety (it runs in my family) and didn’t realize it until I was 33 years old when my postpartum depression was so bad I needed medication. I was on meds for 4 months and they helped, but absolutely destroyed my libido. I went off the meds and have felt fine, though my anxiety came back, which I expected, but since the depression was gone, I figured I would deal.
But today I realize I think I’m relapsing. Not only have I been mostly joyless, but I’ve been forgetting to eat meals and am realizing I convinced myself that “eating for fuel instead of pleasure” was all that was happening. I even realized I’ve been drinking a glass of wine at the end of many days (the past 3 weeks or so) to just feel some relief.
I’m really scared this time because I have two small kids who need me, and I’m determined not to let them see this, so I fake joy and hide the depression so that they can thrive. I had been seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, but I just didn’t feel like there was any progress (it felt like useless talking and she never prodded me to tell more, so that felt uncomfortable). I need help, advise, and support.