Depression hit hard

[CrimsonMama]

It's gone 3am but I can't sleep. I need to reach out. I feel ill. I can't face work tomorrow. But I don't really want to stay home either. I feel there is no point in my future anymore.

A bit of background, as brief as I can be.

Depression runs deep in my family. I've self harmed and had bouts of depression since I was 13.

I've had therapy etc in the past.

I have two daughters age 8 and 13.

I was in a three year abusive relationship (financial and mental abuse rather than physical, mostly). I've been free of that for two and a half years now.

The year after my abusive relationship I was so so happy and financially I pulled myself back together.

This year just past I took control of my life, losing six and a half stone in weight. I usually post on the weight loss forum here. I have kept myself busy with my exercise and weight loss regime plus I decided to study computer science in order to have a career in the future to get off of benefits.

Now, last week, my 13 year old revealed she has been self harming and declared herself having depression and anxiety. As sympathetic as I have been I can't help thinking it's a manipulation as apparently all her friends are doing it too and she likes to say i am too strict and I never have time because of my study and exercise.

If anything I am too soft a mum! She refuses to do chores and makes messes everyday that I don't make her clean up despite adding to my chore list for the day! I don't make her come out if she doesn't want to - and she rarely wants to socialize and stays in her room. Recently she lost her door keys and iPhone and we had typical parent-teenager words over it! I said I would get her a new (cheap) phone but she would have to do chores to earn the cost of it.

This triggered her self harming - she told the GP that when I tell her off it makes her feel a failure!

I rarely tell her off and I don't think it's unreasonable as a parent to be mad about her losing her phone or keys (throwing them in the bin as she was too lazy to check her pockets properly when throwing out rubbish).

Her issues more appear to be related to not getting attention from friends. But she has been referred to CAMHS so hopefully they can help with that.

She hates her sister and is bitterly jealous. However in leau of her self harming and saying I don't have time for her I have dropped some of my exercise and made a time to send her sister upstairs so she gets my time alone.

However now my own depression has been triggered and it's pretty bad! My trigger is that I struggle to get time to study but now with this going on with my daughter it's impossible. And if she is having this at 13 what issues is my other daughter going to have? That means I can't think of going back to work until they are both grown up. By which time I am going to be 50!

That is going to be way too late and too difficult to get into a career! Especially in computers. But to get off of benefits I need a job that earns minimally £35000 pa. In my area even managers only get £25000.

I fear I am in the poverty trap and there is no way out! I thought if I could study then I could get into web design and work up from there. But to start out without a degree I would be lucky if I can get an apprentice junior position. Which is fine but it will be long hours. Hence I can't do it until my kids are old enough to manage!

My sister has been through this with her kids (now grown up). She said age 13 to 18 is hell.

So now I am crying and depressed as I have no future. I've always worked minimal wage jobs. I have no skills. Just shop work and basically a waitress. I get housing benefit for private renting. The rent is nearly £1000 per month.

So my life is this - scrape by a living to be there for my kids. They reach 18 and leave. I am left with no skills, no money, no future. Just constantly working for a pittance. Any overtime or extra hours I work gets taken back by housing benefit. Even now I HAVE to work Christmas Day - any and all bank holidays etc - and I get no reward as the time and a half I get goes back to the council.

It's almost 4am now. I don't know what to do about work. I have been sweating and unable to sleep with stress. My head hurts and I am crying. I fear if I go into work I am going to embarrass myself crying. Or make myself feel more ill.

This week I have binged on foods I shouldn't and just about managed to keep my exercise schedule but I am supposed to go for a run at 6.30am but I don't think I can face it. But that's making me even more depressed! Everything is falling a part and I do NOT want to put all my weight back on!

[BrainFog-Ninja]

Hi CrimsonMama,

I’m sorry you feel crummy, and things are stacking up for you. Try and breathe slowly, stop crying, if you still are.

There is nothing more worthwhile than raising little ones up to be independent big ones. That in itself contains many, many skills. Lol. I have grown kids now. I went to school later in life, and graduated when mine were in high school. I mostly studied 1/2 into the nights after they were tucked in bed. It’s never too late.

Do not fret. Future is future...Now is Now!! Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Only Now is Now!

So what you can do NOW, is relax and rest, and get your brain calmed and your perception shifted, so that you can work tomorrow. Happily, and gratefully.... Working tomorrow will help you, and your kids. Feel glad that you have a job, and future expectations to improve your skills, and work situation. Also, it should help keep your mind distracted as well. You can do it!

As much as you want to have those skills, and a good job, and better pay...that’s how much you need to focus on being a great worker, whatever your job level. Show up, and bust your rump every day. Not just sporadically, but consistently. The rest will take care of itself.

I relate to your words and see you working yourself up into almost a frenzy by the time you finished your post. Of course you couldn’t sleep, with all that adrenaline running thru your words. It will be okay.

You are the mum and have to make good decisions for you AND your family. Period.

Teenagers are tough. True. Mums are tougher, I say!! God gave me the strength to make it thru with working, and school, and kids. He will give you the same. I pray for your strength, patience, and wisdom...to know when the right time is to make your move on improving yourself to become what you desire.

No offense, if you believe in something else other than praying...do that...wish, or focus your thoughts onto what is right with you at the moment, rather than fretting about the future. Good luck. 🍄 🌸 🌞

P.S. Wow! Way to go on keeping the exercise going! That sounds like determination to me. 👍🏻