Conditional Love

[DesertLotus]

I’m new to this platform but not new to mental health, therapy strategies and positive thinking. I am a successful 29 years old and two years ago I made the brave decision to go to face to face therapy for the first time. It changed my life. I am always actively seeking out ways to improve or maintain my mental health despite life’s ups and downs.

A current isssue that is pressing and seems to be ongoing is my immediate family. I am the youngest in a family of 7. I’m what you call the black sheep of the family. Not in a bad way though, it’s something I’ve always loved about myself. However my family... not so much. I feel that my family still treats me like I’m 14 providing me with unsolicited advice, demands, criticisms, objectifications and assumptions. Regardless of whatever my decisions are. Whether “good” or “bad” they seem to always have something to say.

I refrain from telling my family a lot because I don’t want to deal with their inability to speak before understanding me or respecting me. It’s a ‘damned if you do, damned if you dont’ kind of situation.

They are all married with kids, living “traditional” and expected lives. However despite some of my cultural traditions I choose to live out on my own, be the first graduate of my family, work on my career and sustaining my healthy relationship with my boyfriend. When it comes to my life they know how to make any good situation bad and any bad situation worse.

I am constantly reflecting and owning my own thoughts, feelings and reactions. However they don’t. I find it hard to continue to make progress with my mental health during my interactions with my family.

I am tired and honestly don’t feel the need to always be defending, proving and justifying myself. Especially when I know that their words are a projection of their own issues that haven’t been dealt with.

How do you deal with conditional love from family members? What do you do when family doesn’t accept you?

[Hidden]

I can relate to this as I also am the black sheep of my family....

I would say remain strong and firm in what you know..they can't take that away from you ever.....30 years ago my mom passed...they became way too toxic for me...I don't do toxic, nothing good comes from it for me...so I walked away....

I wish you all the best with this...don't feel it's my place to tell you what to do...with that being said I wish for you peace of mind...

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy n hugs for you!!!

[DesertLotus in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your ability to relate and kind words!

[Hidden in reply to DesertLotus]

Oh my goodness no need to thank me....just keep your power and stand strong for you....in the end it will all work out for you.....Hold your head up high and hold on tight to all your positivity!

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy n warm cozy hugs for you!!!!

[MrZee]

Dear DesertLotus,

I’m sure there are many here that can relate to your situation. I know that I can.

I grew up in a totally dysfunctional family of 6. I could make a laundry list of its negativity, but I’m sure you can catch the drift.

When I left home at 20, unfortunately their negative conditioning was trapped in me. So I treated the world like they treated me.

Years back I got into therapy and that completely changed my life, quite similar to your situation. One of the biggest things I learned in therapy is that I’m not broken... my family is.

Same here, at family functions I felt like my old self around them. Well, another thing I learned in therapy was my family never would ‘listen’ or have a decent sense of empathy. Finally after more years of therapy, when I’d be around my family, my visits would be brief. And when the criticism would start, I’d either say, “You know, I won’t be spoken to in that manner.” Or if it escalated, I’d thank everyone and leave.

There’s 4 of us left now. My parents are deceased and I have 1 brother that I’m extremely close with. He too has been in therapy. We’re each other’s shoulder of empathy. I feel fortunate. I have 2 other sisters that are bitter broken women. Any contact with them, they’re evil. Why? Because they just can’t stand overall I have a decent quality of life. I finally chose to block them from my phone and email. I won’t put up with their toxicity. If one or both of them are at a family function, I will not attend because they always make a scene. Nope, not my cup of tea at all.

Today, my family is my husband, my brother and functional friends that I pick and choose. Plus therapy has taught me how to ‘listen’ to people which allows me to be a much more empathetic person.

For those of my family that remain f’ked up, I feel sorry for them and keep my distance. I feel fortunate that I still have my brother. We’re a family of 2.

Overall, I’m not perfect, but I’m much more mature and wise...thanks to therapy.

Best,

MZ

[DesertLotus in reply to MrZee]

MrZee, thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to the “feeling like my old self” when around family. It’s reassuring to know that advocating and maybe even sometimes leaving the toxicity whether in the moment or long term, isn’t such a crazy idea. I love that you were able to create your own family and as a result you are in a better place. Thankfully my boyfriend is that for me and I can’t wait to continue building our healthy lives together. Thank you.

[MrZee in reply to DesertLotus]

DesertLotus, from what I’m reading you’re on the right track. If your boyfriend accepts you for who you are and is comfortable with your growth in therapy then you’ll both be fine.

As for your biological family, therapy will continue to help you set boundaries around them.

And for healthy friends, the beauty there is we get to pick and choose them which feels wonderful.

You’re welcome. -MZ

[hypercat54]

Hi you are not alone with this. My mother was the worst for this and I solved it by moving a long way away from my family and only seeing them twice a year for 3/4 days at a time for 22 years.

However when I moved back to my home town my mother was always on my case and riding my back like a monkey. Fortunately I was an adult by then and tried all the ways I knew (nice ways) like humour, not telling her anything, etc. but she didn't take the hint. In the end I had to have a showdown with her and then she stopped entirely but showed absolutely no interest in my life from then on. This wasn't good either but the lesser of 2 evils I guess.

However my dad and my sisters continued to treat me as I was when young even though I have changed so much. I see old childhood patterns emerging which drive me potty! Things like they only know 1 way to sort something out with anyone by 'getting angry' whereas I know loads including self assertiveness, but if they have a problem and I try and help I get angrily rejected as they don't want 'a row'! Or I get told 'I don't want trouble' I now never offer and leave them to suffer needlessly. You can't help some people.

I have only my sisters left now and I don't think they know me at all. I respond to the changes in them and don't treat them like this so why do they me? I rarely tell them anything and seek validation instead from friends and other people in my life.

I hope you find a way to deal with it. x

[DesertLotus in reply to hypercat54]

Hi Hypercat54, thank you for sharing your story with me. My sisters all moved out of state when they got married, even though I am moved out I am still 20 minutes away from my parents. I know when the time and opportunity is right, moving out of my town will happen and I can feel less stuck! I totally relate to family members getting angry when you want to use your own strategies and assertiveness. After I’m in those situations I have to remind myself that what I’m doing is okay.

Yes! To what you said about responding to their changes in a positive way but not receiving it in return.

Sounds like you still have a minimal relationship with them. Do you just provide them with bare minimum information about yourself and be more of a listener?

[hypercat54 in reply to DesertLotus]

Oh yes. I never talk about my depression or my lung problems. I just listen to my sisters whittering on about their health issues instead. It's much easier that way.

My eldest sister suffers from health anxiety and is a hypochondriac and last time I talked to her about my copd she said 'I know what you mean as I get out of breath too. I said have you been diagnosed with copd then? If you are the same or worse than me you really should get tested. Sarky ha ha. x

[terriltwin2]

It sounds like you are doing a great job already. You are living the way you prefer to live and you are doing what is best for you and your future. I know being the black sheep makes you feel, rejected and always seeking approval and acceptance from the very foundation that you came from. But know that you as an individual are authentic in good ways. Seek support and acceptance in another place, give yourself boundaries with your family and keep space between you and them. Maybe extend your belongingness to extended family members. I know that I moved 1,000 miles away from my family at one point, went to work and school, focused on what I needed to do as an individual and my family became my friends in that state, it was a really great time in my life. I found so much love and support with these friends. They also were away from their families so we all became a huge family. I am not recommending move 1,000 miles away, just using my experience as an example, that we can give family boundaries and give ourselves space to be authentic individuals.

[DesertLotus in reply to terriltwin2]

Thank you for your supportive words. As I said in an earlier reply, I live 20 minutes away from my parents and my sisters all got married and moved out of state. I am hopeful that the right opportunities will allow my boyfriend and I to move out of my city or even state. I often consider moving even further away just to get more experiences in having a new lifestyle, regardless of family issues. Thank you for sharing your story.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

I am also not valid in my opinions because my parents and family don’t understand my field. Strange thing is there are a lot of writers and artists in my family. I’m medical.

All relationships are conditional love when you’re talking about humans. However when you’re talking about family and people that love you remember they have given you a role. Everyone has one in the family. You even enjoyed it. You can’t control how they view you. I’m 55 and my mother is still condescending. I continued to be myself. I was told my brother was the smart one but he did what they wanted. I went my own way. I can’t expect them to be smart enough to understand me. When we’re free spirits we have to learn to not bang our heads against a brick wall. Consider the source and know they love you but your validation comes from your peers. I’ve now started looking at my mom like she’s from Mars when she says things. I can’t speak she’s so unknowing. Sometimes she makes me laugh out loud.

Love them back but realize they aren’t going to get it. You have the upper road here. You’ve outgrown them.

[Hidden in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

I just have one thing to say...your feelings are oh so more than valid...maybe not to them, they don't know love is what I'm seeing here....

You just keep being the loving you....know this...your feelings are oh so valid to me....

Dump trucks of love, peace, light, joy and warm cozy hugs just for you from little old me!!!

[DesertLotus in reply to NeuronerdDoaty]

Outgrown them is an understatement. That’s what I’m struggling with. How to still have a family but not regress while I’m with them. I love your reminder of how important it is to consider the source. I will remember resort to laughter more at their outlandish ideas. I remember as a child they would tell me I laugh too much or too loud. But thankfully that’s never stopped me! Especially because i know they don’t laugh enough!

It’s amazing how perspective can change everything!

[NeuronerdDoaty in reply to DesertLotus]

I pretend my mom is in the 5th grade. Lol!

[pink83737]

I feel the same way!!

[Stilltrying_]

I can completely relate to this and like others have said, know that you are the authentic evolved one and just work on setting boundaries with your birth family ( and preferably moving as you say when you can). It is bound to "trigger" you for want of a better word when you are with them; we all have a family "role" and they love to put us right back in it. Even when we are very strong being surrounded by their presence is going to set us back a little mentally; but know that it is all in there. You have moved on and changed and this is the real you.

Sending hugs,

Gemmalouise x

[DesertLotus in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thank you! I agree they are quick to make you fill a role and when you move out of it, they want to force you back in. The triggers are tough but possible to get through.