I am struggling with admitting that my 30 year old son is an alcoholic and isn’t under control . I am so connected to my children that I feel I
have to make it ok..... I know I can’t do that.... but I am feeling sad, depressed and anxious anticipating what may happen. He just got a great job and I am afraid he may blow it!
Any suggestions?
Speaking as an adult who went through an eight year alcoholic phase between my late 20s and early 30s (now 35), I think all you can do is mention that your worried about their habit and suggest getting help. The only times during this period for me that I was willing to listen was when/if I was having marital issues (nearly divorced twice), work issues, and health issues. I finally went sober after giving into my medications wanting to be better for my family. I knew I couldn't drink and take medication....one or the other. So one day I just stopped drinking as much...then none at all. Now I drink non-alcoholic beer (they have several that taste better than O'Doul's). My parents were always concerned...a lot like you are. Unfortunately, I think it's an "all-in" or nothing. If my parents were to say they were slightly concerned, I'd come up with poor excuses why everything was okay. It comes down to the person and having self-realization. As they always say, a person can only help themselves if they're willing to do so. Maybe print this out and let him read it. I can truly attest....I was very close to ruining my life because alcohol was that important. In the grand scheme, it was just running from problems, briefly forgetting everything around me, and escaping for a bit. The problem is you never do until you confront it. Would they be willing to at least cut back their intake? I hate hearing this because I'm lucky I pulled myself out of the circulation....I was easily on path towards an early death. Maybe you can talk to them and see if perhaps they're having some mental health issues, marital issues, an addiction, and so on. Express that you can work on it together and that it doesn't have to be alone. This is the best advice I can give because it's hard to step back and look at the daily grind and say, "Wow, yeah, I do have a problem." I hope the best for you and your son....you're being a great parent in showing concern for what many would just say isn't an issue. I hope this helped....and most importantly, I hope you're able to reach him to show him that there is a decent life that can be fulfilling with little or no alcohol.
I commend you on your sobriety. I just want to add this information for 'some' people in recovery, they cannot have even the 'non-alcoholic' beer or wine either. It can either act as a trigger or step back out into drinking for some, or the fact that some beers have up to 2% -5% alcohol still remaining after the 'de-alcoholing' process, and if your severely susceptible to any alcohol at all....it can effect some and be a trigger to go back out. This certainly is not the case for everyone as it obviously is not an issue for you Veritas, but for some it can be.
Absolutely agreed. I thankfully was able to step back to a lesser degree. Somehow haven't fallen back in. Even using the NA stuff can be a slippery slope for sure.
Your absolutely right about that too....I did program for decades to have the support system daily, of being able to go to a meeting everyday with others who were struggling or had been at it for a while, it worked for me at the time. Some of these groups can get overly clicky and have their own religious agenda,...but you just find one the suits you. The main problem I had at the time....and that was over 30 years ago, was that I knew I suffered from depression, and what is now called CPTSD from a very abusive childhood....and I self medicated as well as had the addiction. Once you get clean and sober....all those issues come screaming back....and I was fortunate enough to also be in therapy and ACOA.....I think the main reason many went back out then was because AA,NA....didin't support therapy as much at the time. You were just told 'don't drink '... that's a starting point I believe to recovery..but sadly there is a lot more to it for some of us with mental health issues too.
Thank you so much!! I will print this and send it to him.🎈🎈
Being in recovery for decades....I have heard this sadly many times about how a relative wants to 'fix' or 'help' a loved one who is using or drinking. Sadly it's the same answer every time.....unless they choose to make that first step in admitting they have a problem, and then take action....there is nothing you can do but mind yourself around their actions while they are active in their addictions. There is a group called Alanon.....and it does help the family, spouse, and friends learn to understand, accept and live their life while having a person in their lives who is either active in addiction or in recovery. There is such a thing as a 'dry drunk'....someone who isn't doing any of the personal inventory and work on themselves which is a common trait with those in addiction recovery. Therapy once your sober does help sort stuff out. 1 in 3 people with alcohol or drug addiction also suffers from the disease of depression. Many people self medicate their mental illness. But what ever the issues are....sobriety is the only answer....but you can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink. So until your son takes himself on that road of recovery himself willingly, you cannot do anything for them.
Alanon. Find a local group and go. Such a wonderful program!!!
You sound like a good mom. Your son is lucky to have a caring mom.
It’s sad. I realized we can only give advice to people. We can only try and guide them.
People make their own decisions all we can do is educate them.
It’s sucks dealing with addictions.
You took a step and admitted your son has a problem. That is good. We sonhi gs on our own terms
Best of luck.
Hi, I have a book for you! You can download and read it for about $3.00 or order a hard copy for around $10. The book is Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend. I found this book through counseling and it changed my life. It is Christian based, but even if you are not a Christian you can learn so much about separating our love for our children into the proper places. I could write about all I've learned, but the Dr.'s who wrote the book do such a better job. I hope you'll buy the book today.
Xena, while i can’t necessarily relate to the specific issue of alcoholism, I can relate to the connectedness, as parents, we have with our children. As a mom, i think it is even tighter. I have two adult male children. One in particular has had issues that have triggered anxiety with me. In therapy, i have likened that WANTING to control ie, handle, his issues, which I CANNOT, to a sort of pain. That pain, i believe, is the pain of separation from my child hence, separation anxiety.
You’ve gotten some good advice regarding the alcoholism issue, and i wish you the best with dealing with your feelings as a parent. You are not alone.
Been free from alcohol 
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