I’ve been up for 3 hours..

[maggief9812]

and I already want to go back to bed. I have so much to do, I’m trying to resist, but the desire to take a depression nap is just about all I feel right now.

[maggief9812]

My husband and I really got into it last night- to the extent of me crying in a ball on the bathroom floor, trying not to vomit. It’s good we got so much out- we needed to. I’m just bad at allowing myself to feel feelings and I don’t know how to be emotionally engaged without feeling physically ill. My husband told me his depression is so bad he sometimes still thinks about suicide. I told him I want him to get help. I don’t know if he really *heard me. Today I am utterly exhausted and I have about a weeks worth of studying to get done before Monday. I’m just tired. And overwhelmed. And sad.

[tomrichardmoore in reply to maggief9812]

That sounds awful, I’m sorry you had to go through that.

It’s good that you got it all out and hopefully this will be the first step to a happier life.

I’m not sure if your husband feels how I used to, but I felt that as a man I had to be strong and fight through it on my way and felt weak if I were to give in and seek help.

Also I didn’t want to get on any medication or see a therapist because if it didn’t work then I would feel hopeless, and that scared me a lot.

I think about suicide every day and it’s so hard to stop the urge and keep fighting.

The thing that helped me today was thinking: I feel so sad I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. But if I killed myself, I would be giving this exactly same feeling to everyone I love. And I couldn’t put them through what I’m dealing with now. I’d rather feel depressed for the next 60 years than give it to my family.

I hope you feel better soon and hope your husband doesn’t keep putting off getting help before it’s too much to deal with.

[Kat63 in reply to maggief9812]

One thing sticks out to me about this - you and your husband are able to talk. Yes, getting all the stuff out feels terrible while you’re doing it. But confiding in each other about your feelings could be good for your relationship. My boyfriend and I don’t communicate as well as I wish we did.

[Jonesie123 in reply to maggief9812]

Hi. Try and take the positive from the fact you are both communicating with each other. As far as the studying goes...You can only do what you can do. Try not to put pressure on yourself to complete everything all of the time. You're only human and you have limitations. I wish you well.

[maggief9812]

Thanks guys. I texted my sister and told her I was having a bad day and needed a hug. She came right over no questions asked, and let me cry and hug her til I could speak. I didn’t tell her too much about what was going on because hubby is very private and I know he wouldn’t like it, but I told her some of my other stresses. She told me it would be okay, made me come sit outside in the sun with her, then convinced me to come out to lunch on her treat. It helped me to get out of my funk. I’m still really drained and have a mother of a tension headache, but I feel stronger. She wanted to go for a drive by the beach together to go look at the water, but I told her I felt better enough to get my work done now. I’m very lucky I have someone who will drop everything just to come hug me.

[Agora1 in reply to maggief9812]

Maggie, sisters can be the best friend you'll ever have.

Sending you an extra (((hug))) sounds like you need it today. xx