please be kind, and give me any advice or past experience you may have

[invisible96]

I am a college senior as of recently my mental health and physical health have been slowly declining. I have been diagnosed with ADHD since kindergarten, I also have been diagnosed within the past couple of years with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), anxiety, and depression. I went untreated for depression, anxiety and ADHD, and PCOS throughout high school and into my early college years. As of recently I tried going to a Psychiatrist for medicine management, the doctor I went to ended up just trying to use me for copay money and give me whatever diagnosis that would kind of fit my described symptoms. My copay was $45 every time I went.. which was every 2/3 weeks, she also misdiagnosed me with Bipolar 2 Disorder. She began prescribing me anything and everything from 2 mood stabilizers, Xanax, instant Adderall 30mg, also a antipsychotic for my sleep problems. I had enough of this after a year and a half because I wasn't acting like myself. This caused me to be emotionally flat all the time, or I was impulsive in the most self destructive ways, I was depressed, and my adhd wasn't managed. With in the past couple month I have found a new psychiatrist who took me off everything but Adderall, and then after see that I was still depressed after being weened off all these strong drugs she suggested therapy, eventually I began to agree that I do I do indeed need someone to talk to.... My depression has gotten so bad that I couldn't get out of bed and let myself get 4 weeks behind from the start of 2nd semester, which is not me because I have maintained a 3.9 gpa. I had to drop one of my classes so I could catch up on the other two. I find no pleasure in my usual interest such as my photography with my $500 camera, hanging with friends, or basically doing anything that involved leaving my house. Im usually someone who needs to be around people 24/7 which now thinking back was definitely a coping mechanism. So I told my doctor and she has now prescribed me Wellbutrin, as of lately I have begun to have darker thoughts, and I even self-harmed.. nothing serious or life threatening. I know I shouldn't and usually when the thought comes into my head I can get rid of it but today I couldn't. I have sent in a in-take form to a therapist and am waiting to hear back. The reason I has taken me so long to see a psychologist is because I had childhood trauma and my mom forced me to go even when I wasn't opening up to any doctors. I know I need to see one and I really am looking forward to finally getting 20+ years of emotional weight lifted off my shoulders. My father was mostly verbally abusive and if I made him really angry he would physically harm me, my mother got in a horrible, life debilitating accident when I was about 4/5 years old. My dad basically raised me alone for 14 years until my mom finally got her life together. He had no right to treat me the way he did, but he also basically "lost" his bestfriend wife to mental and physical disabilities and had to raise their daughter who had no well managed severe ADHD and depression. He never knew love as his mom physically abused him as a child. We get along now and he hasn't laid a hand on me in years. Also for the PCOS it causes to high androgen (high T) the male hormone, which leads to weight gain, diabetes, painful sex, infertility, type 1 diabetes, acne, excessive hair growth on face, stronger smelling B/O, hair loss on scalp, either no period for months, or spotting for 4 weeks, and ovarian cysts. Im not looking for judgment I am looking for advice, to vent, and even ideas to help me not self harm cause I do not want to do it again Thank you.

[fauxartist]

I would strongly recommend getting into therapy even though you had a bad experience, this is really important.....your close to completing your education and it's imperative you seek help to do so. There are groups also like ACOA for dysfunctional family childhoods, which are very devastating to us when the reality of how much it has screwed us up in our budding adult life surfaces, and it will continue for the rest of your life coping with as much of the damage as possible. I came from a very dysfunctional and abusive childhood, but didn't get help until my late 20's-30's and it was a huge battle with myself until I did.

[invisible96 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you it’s good to know I am not alone. All my life I’ve heard “I love your dad”, “why do you hate him he’s so nice”, “he’s so funny he cracks me up,lighten up.” . I’m like well you don’t know the old/real him and how mean and abusive he was. I know everyone has there problems but I don’t know anyone that’s close to me that went through nearly as much as I have so it’s hard to relate with them sometimes about this type of topic

[fauxartist in reply to invisible96]

There is a sociopathic nature to abusers.....they wear two faces....one the public persona of the likable, kind, caring easy going joe....and the monster behind the mask at home. Nobody who knew my mother really knew her....she only put this face on to the outside world of the gal who was nice, intelligent, and would help you out. For me....I was the whipping post, and the object of all her frustration and anger that she really had inside her. I see it over and over again....the master manipulation that these monsters are capable of....they can charm the pants off of ya and then peel you apart when the door to the world shuts....No....sadly your not alone. You have a voice here. Many of us do know what your talking about....

[Shpammy]

Even if you can justify your father’s behavior, that doesn’t change how it has affected you and your self-worth. I also had an abusive father. I’ve come to terms with and even forgiven him for the way he was, but it doesn’t change the fact that the damage was done. My now older self can rationalize his behavior, but I still needed therapy to heal the scared little girl who was too young to understand the anger and violence. But for right now, you are in crisis and need to take action. A possible side-effect of Wellbutrin (Well, any antidepressant) is self harm and suicidal thoughts. Please reach out to your psychiatrist ASAP and tell them what you are experiencing. Your psychiatrist may be able to expedite you getting in with a therapist as well. Also, there is most likely a counseling service at your college and support groups. Don’t just wait for a reply back from the one therapist. Look for other options. I know you are fragile right now, but you are your best advocate. Like you said, this isn’t “you”. Give yourself some love and understanding and permission to feel like crap right now. It will get better.