Spiral out of control

[RubberDuck123]

Long post ahead

As far back as i can remember, i was struggling to complete any tasks. I would always forget to make my homework, but not forget that i forgot it... i was often wondering why i had so bad memory, why i could write down what i had to do. This pattern continued through gymnasium, and there it took its toll. I never did homework only assignments, and it showed in my grades. I almost failed gymnasium, because i did not learn enough.

Later i went to become a teacher, at an alternative college. pattern continued, i couldn't bother doing any homework.

I then got an internship as a teacher...

This is where i realized how bad my preparation skills where. Did not help that there was no books to copy from either. The first two weeks i used 2-3 hours per lesson. usually took about 5-6 hours per day preparing, exhausting myself.

My day was practical:get up, go do lessons, get home prepare for next day

I would often call my parents crying because it was tough... but i taught that: that's how it is as a new teacher. suck it up

So i kept going. preparing got easier, i found some material to use so i did not have to invent everything from scratch every tome.

but it was still hard to come up with what to do this lesson and what to do this lesson.

A new problem arrived...

when i got home i was beat, so i had to take my mind of somewhere. Problem was, i could not relax because i knew i had to prepare for next day. So i would usually "relax" up til 24:00 in the evening, because i just did not have the energy to do it. But the panic monster always got me started in the end.

But thru this mess i call preparation i noticed a pattern. when i start preparing i should suddenly pee, and at the toilet i forgot time. When i got back the i got hungry, then thirsty, then there was this thing on youtube. I had become a master procrastinator.

in the end it got my to quit the internship because i was ruining my.

this was 2 weeks ago

And this procrastination... i think its was present in my childhood to... But one thing i keep wondering is why? why cant i do stuff. why have i evolved into such a efficient procrastinator.

why cant i just have my own free will...

And i think that this procrastination has a much nastier unsen effect, not just on specific task but at existence itself.

After i quit my job, there was an overwhelming abundance of time. Just need something to use it on. Most of the time that is just laying in my bed with my computer.

I can plan to get up at take a walk to get some fresh air, but its really hard to follow thru.

I can still think of all the possibility's, but i just cant bother... Motivation is a thing od the past.

It scares me where this slippery slope might lead.

will i know when i cross the edge? or just stop caring about anything?

[brokenlight]

Thank you for your post.

I too struggle with motivation and follow through. It can be so frustrating.

All we can do is try our best I think.