So it’s been about a month since my last update and while I wasn’t sure how much really needed said publicly when I started this sure got LONG on me.
Thank you again to everyone who has checked up on me! That definitely needs said as much as possible 🙂
Anyway... the new job is ok I guess. I make less than I did at GM because overtime isn’t as guaranteed but it’s still more than I did at the job before that. It causes me to feel extremely anxious all the time though. It’s a growing facility and as a result my job didn’t exist last year. My current job duties can best be summarized as “find problems and fix them,” which is fine. I like analyzing and fixing things. The problem comes in when my brain won’t shut up (which is always) and I worry I’m not doing enough fast enough or if I’ll even find enough work to keep me busy all day. What happens when the problems I can directly fix on my own are done and everything left is more me emailing people and waiting for responses from the company that designed the buggy software we use? I keep dreading the “you aren’t living up to expectations conversation/firing,” no matter how unrealistic it feels that week. My first week here I was counting a box that was completely destroyed on the inside but should have had 80 units nearly decided by cardboard and as I counted the 79th one I thought to myself.... I can’t do this **** forever...
I’ve never really been career focused... after finally being diagnosed with having ADHD and truly thinking about it I think that’s because I spend so much time daydreaming and picking apart everything. I can’t imagine spending my life doing one thing for that long... the only job I’ve wanted to do my entire life has been an author but My track record for coming even remotely close to finishing anything remains at zero...
But after spending 6 years in Warehouses and about as long in fast food restaurants it’s really setting in that I need to make a plan and just go for it. I’m still certain I don’t want to be a lawyer despite my degree and the “you can do anything with a law degree” still seems to be as much BS as it was years ago so I’m considering going back to school despite how much I dread it. I’m thinking about nursing. I could be done in about 2 years and making for more money than I make now. Then I could get a masters degree while having my education covered by my employer and either go into anesthesia, upper level hospital administration or something else. I’d probably have a hell of a lot more options than I do now.
The problem is that I’m fairly certain I would have to rely on someone else or maybe get a roommate. I couldn’t count on keeping any job that has the schedule I would need AND pays well enough to be on my own based on my current experience because they’re all so demanding of your time, and I’m worried that I’d have to reduce down to part-time hours if it’s as demanding as people tell me it is. It’s something to consider going forward because my ex has offered to let me stay with her indefinitely if I go back to school but I’m pretty sure she’s planning to use me more...
She told me closer to Christmas she wanted to try and work things out. She got in my head a bit due to nostalgia and how my daughter has been acting which I’ll discuss in a minute. Nothing came from it and nothing will. Where it would be nice to be together in theory as a big happy family it won’t happen. Even acting nicer to me there’s no trust there anymore and she’s made it perfectly clear she isn’t going to change back to the person I fell in love with. It was a confusing few days in which I felt conflicted and nothing more.
My daughter is worrying me though. Starting Christmas Day she began bawling her eyes out for no apparent reason. Turned out that we were watching Christmas Vacation and she heard “Hell” and began thinking about death. She spent the next week and a half crying over and over again because:
1: she didn’t want to die;
2: she didn’t want us to get divorced; and,
3: she didn’t want to move.
I would calm her down, leave her seemingly happy in one room and go do the dishes only to have her come in before I was done gently hitting herself on both sides of the head, crying and repeating “Happy thoughts happy thought happy thoughts...”
I’ve been terrified of my children growing up to be like me. Having horrible depression and anxiety. I cannot express how much it breaks my heart to see my daughter like that when she’s only EIGHT.
She’s warmed up to moving a bit. She still doesn’t want to but I think she kind of gets it in a way. She seems more stable now but at the same time she seems to be unusually upset by literally everything. I need to follow up with what’s going on with my ex because supposedly we were going to get an official diagnosis of add from a behavioral specialist in case it helps her with school and see about having her meet with a therapist at least a couple times to make sure everything is ok.
I know it’s because of the prolonged arguing, and all the nasty things her grandmother is always saying but still.... I don’t want her to suffer like that...
My son seems to be doing well so that’s good. He started coughing a bit more yesterday but hopefully that’s nothing. We shall see though.
I’m trying to refocus. To get back in the habit of working on improving myself and my situation instead of merely surviving. I’ve been so distracted and stuck in my own head I really haven’t had anything to say to people. Hopefully I stick with it better this time.
Sorry this got so long on me. I keep telling myself to try and write something inspirational but I never seem to finish them lately. Either way I hope everyone is doing well! 😃
I’ve gotten some great advice
I can't have calmness and i worry I'm getting sick. And it all began with sickness
People who have worse problems than me
I have a very good friend who is dying of cancer. She just cut me out of her circle and it is really hurtful. Depression and anxiety abound.
Good relationships but I want to leave
