So I haven’t done a general life update in a while and it’s probably not the best idea to do so while I’ve been horrifically depressed for the last 13 hours and unable to sleep but I feel like I need to complain...
First off let me thank mz_rachel, Iheartdogs and Eeowyn for reaching out to me when I posted earlier for needing someone to talk to. It means a lot to me even if I have since taken that post down to keep people from worrying if they see it.
So I guess things are going well at work. Everyone seems happy with what I’m doing even if I don’t feel like I’m doing anything special or know quite all the weird little tasks the person before me knew how to do.
It’s occurred to me that it’s somehow the end of October. I need to start looking into where to move a little more seriously than before because where it’s financially in my best interest to save money for a while I really feel like the instant I can afford a deposit and a rental truck I need to get the hell out of here... but I can’t seem to find the time or motivation to do what I need to to get ready to do so....
Don’t get me wrong... in the grand scheme of things I am infinitely better than I was a year or even 6-7 months ago but I am so sick of trying sometimes. I feel so utterly alone and unwanted basically all the time still. I know I need to focus on myself but to a large degree without at least some of what I’ve been missing for my entire marriage and separation (going quickly on 11 years at this point) I don’t know how I can focus on myself and be happy without at least some of that. It seems like I can’t even get people to talk to me most of the time when I try and make new friends in the area.
A large part of the reason I’ve been so down is I finally made a couple pretty good friends in the area. We’ve hung out a couple of times but one found a boyfriend and has all but disappeared and the other is extremely busy but has expressed a great deal of interest in me. So we had agreed to meet up last night and hang out. I truly and honestly needed some time with someone who actually seems to want me around and can talk about something other than My Little Pony and Pokemon....
But she utterly bailed on me. I blew off other opportunities to get out of the house and avoid my toxic living situation and she utterly bailed on me.
I’m not trying to be unreasonable. I get she’s busy and life is complicated and people have to cancel. No big deal. It was HOW she did it.
I’m not one to harass people via text message if I can help it. Unless I’m worried about you or feel a need to share something with you whenever you answer hours or even a day or so later is fine.... but she had short plans with her family at 6 and was going to let me know what was going on. So she stops responding at around 1:30 and after 11 pops up for the first time just saying sorry and nothing else.
I truly don’t know how much longer I can keep getting my hopes up just to have the universe build me back up even a little bit just to knock me back down again. Why is it so damned hard to find even the most basic of human interactions I need to be happy???
I’m going to stop here. I’m crying uncontrollably again and this is the second time I’ve written this because the app deleted it on me when I put more phone down for barely a minute. I just don’t see what the hell is so wrong with me that it seems like nobody wants to even talk to me or can extend even the slightest bit of basically courtesy towards me.
I hope everyone is doing well... don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine in a day or so... I hope....
Written by
faulhallen
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I appreciate everything that you wrote. Let me say that there is nothing wrong with you. It sounds like you are trying to connect with folks and reach out to help yourself and I give you so much credit for doing that because it isn't easy when you're depressed. You say that you need others to feel happy, when happiness really comes from within. But I completely understand wanting to be validated from the outside. You have to give yourself time with everything that you do. You say you want to move and that is a great plan so you can continue to work towards that. In the meantime, try and focus on the good things that are going for you like your job, maybe practice gratefulness. What other things are you doing to self care and manage your negative feelings? Are you in therapy? Have you tried 7 Cups of Tea, you can talk with someone one-on-one there for free. I hope you feel a little better today.
I realize on the surface I’m making it sound like I need someone to love me to be happy and that’s true but I don’t expect or need it to be a romantic kind of love. My marriage left me feeling entirely isolated from everyone and everything. She made seeing my family miserable for days in advance or impossible to go without seeming like the bad guy even if nobody was sick (my son has a compromised immune system). I prefer to be friends with women and she grew uncomfortable with that as time passed so I stopped socializing with anyone outside of work and even that grew entirely superficial over time. By the end, Until I separated she was the only person you could have called my friend and talking to her is infuriating in a great many ways. I compare it to talking to a wall with insults written all over it. She talks to me like I’m a lazy child with the memory of a brain damaged hamster.
I can be content on my own, at least some of the time. If I have someone to text through out the day or talk to in some other way I can even be good or great.... but being home is entirely toxic for me. There have been times in the last month I have been absolutely great all day and then within minutes of walking in the door I want to jump off a cliff and wonder why I still put up with any of it. So at least for right now I really need a way to get out of the house, preferably spending time with people who actually want me around. I’m awkward around strangers and humans are social creatures. We need that support. Finding someone to start a romantic relationship with would be amazing but mostly I just want friends because I haven’t had that in years. I never got to just go out and socialize.
As far as self care my life isn’t entirely forgiving of a lot of time spent for myself despite having more time outside of work than I’ve had in 10 years. I’ve started going to the gym a couple times a week but I have issues with my knees and they’re already bothering me again after just a couple of weeks. Mainly I forgive myself for things. I want to take better care of myself but until I’m out of the house and not constantly being brought down by being in the place I should feel most relaxed and comfortable it’s going to be hard to keep up with it. So I turn to comfort foods more than I should. I’ve also been going out even though it’s with people who are still basically strangers. I joined a couple of groups on MeetUp that have done things I’ve really enjoyed so far and can even include my daughter in from time to time with one of the groups. That’s some of what I meant by I could have gone out. Also I’ve been taking my daughter to the park more.
I’ve seen 7 cups of tea but have not tried it. I may give it a shot some time. I haven’t had time for therapy in years and have had mixed luck with it. I’ve been meaning to attend local support groups but I always seem to end up being forced to do something or watch my kids.
I don’t attend church. I’m not religious and don’t see that changing. I’ve wondered if I should join a church in the hopes of feeling like I belong to something but I haven’t yet at least. I also feel like my views on organized religion will keep me from ever feeling like I belong.
Thank you again for the support and reaching out. I feel a little better today but I’m largely just here. I hope you’re doing well and sorry about the possibly incoherent book. I didn’t really sleep well or much at all last night.
I think you are absolutely right that it will be fighting an uphill battle to feel better in your life as long as you are living with people who constantly disrespect you. I think getting a plan together for moving out should be your next step. Just take it a little bit at a time. Start looking at apartments online in your area and make a short list of the best ones in your budget. Then, pick a day you are feeling up to it and call them, and make an appointment to tour them. Hopefully you will find one that works.
In regard to your possible interest in a religious community but not having strong beliefs - have you heard of the Unitarian Universalist Church? They are a humanistic spiritual group that does not believe in one certain God or Gods. They purposely don't tell members what they should or shouldn't believe in. I'm sure wikipedia could explain it better than me.
It is hard and I am trying to start focusing on getting a plan together but at least this weekend has been rough when it comes to finding the motivation for basically anything.
As far as a plan goes I initially looked at apartments closer to 3 months ago. I wanted to work out a budget and a plan so I got a basic idea together of what I thought I could afford. Chances are I won’t find an amazing deal because there were a couple of places that were open then that aren’t open now that on paper would have been perfect. I have an apartment complex in mind as a backup plan of sorts. It’s nice enough I guess but farther from work and my kids than I would preferably like. Also at least on the sites I’ve looked I’ve had trouble finding anything I can afford with wheelchair access for when I watch my son. I plan to start looking more seriously over the next week and touring places hopefully in the first week or two of November. I had originally planned to move out at that exact time but my ex went from believing she would start her job as a nurse at the beginning of the month to starting it tomorrow. There is a good chance that that is what’s making this feel so much worse... and she always harassed me about money. I agreed to pay what most people I’ve talked to view as a fairly generous sum every month, put money into two separate savings accounts for the kids (one for college and one for things like braces and unexpected major bills), split the cost of most out of pocket expenses for school and health care and she still gets high and mighty about how much more she could get if she took me to court instead of going with what we agreed to months ago. All the while swearing up and down that it both isn’t enough now and that she would never make it so I can’t afford to live on my own. Which is exactly what she’s doing if she expects even the slightest bit more money out of me without cutting the savings accounts because my car is 13 years old and I need to start saving for a new one.
I’m just so sick of dealing with her....
I’ll have to read that article about Unitarians though. That might be something worth looking into considering my nonstandard belief system.
Sorry to keep complaining... I’ll be better when I get back to work. Thank you. 😃
Also can you get involved in religious activities and gatherings at church, synagogue, etc.? This can really be helpful.
Hey, sweet friend! I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. You know I’m here for you if you need to talk!!! You’re a strong man & a wonderful father. You’ve done everything possible to make your family dynamic work... Maybe it’s time for you to put yourself first & have a little fun! Xoxo
Hey Kayla! Thank you and I’m sorry that you’re going through everything that you are as well. I’m always here for you if you need to talk as well. I’m trying to put myself first and have some fun but it’s hard when I don’t feel like I have any control over when I can do things when I want to or not. I’ll get there though. It’s finally about time into creating the actual plan to move out instead of it just being a vague goal that never seems to get any closer. That will help but it’s also hard to think about some times because as happy as I’ll be I’ll miss my children terribly.
This site was made so you could dump! No apologies needed.
Some things to think about: your knees. I have bad knees, too. I've been helped by spraying them with Magnesium Spray. My daughter uses it for chronic, severe pain. It helps better than anything she's tried in 30 years. And, she's tried the whole spectrum! My husband is using it for torn ligaments and tendons in his shoulder. Also, ask one of the gym personnel for exercises just for your knee issue.
Your apartment: Is it dark inside? Change the light bulb where you are the most to a full spectrum light. Keep this on whenever you are home and not sleeping. The more bulbs you can change, the better you'll feel at home. These bulbs help your body make vitamin D, just as sunshine does. Supplements are good, but these are better. The bulbs are expensive, but cheaper than 'comfort' foods.
When I was first depressed, I started a journal that I wrote in every night. It only contained three lines each night - 3 things I was grateful for. A sample: 1) a walk with my daughter. 2) only had 1 scoop of ice cream. 3) got a compliment at work. Sometimes it was really hard to come up with three, but some entries were, 'Thankful this day is over!' This helped to get me out of the immediate depressed state. Now, I have a 12 year journal of blessings that I can look over when things get too bad. Hope it helps.
I don’t know that I would say my knee pain is severe but I’ve never really had them looked at. I think I tore something like 12 years ago lifting weights but never got it looked at because the pain went away after a couple of days. Since then every so often it will pop and start hurting. I wear a brace for a few days and it’s usually fine. I’m not sure what exactly is causing it but I think it’s running because nothing popped but it’s been hurting for a few days anyway. I hate running but I feel like it’s better cardio so I may just have to try something easier on my knees for a while and see if that helps. I’ll look into the magnesium spray though and I’ll try to remember to ask for exercises that are good for my knees.
I don’t have an apartment yet which is a large part of the problem. I do spend a lot of time at home hiding in the basement from my ex and her mother but I also have a job with a window now and spend more time outside with my daughter and just in general than I did even a couple months ago. I’ll remember this suggestion for when I move out if nothing else. I don’t yet know everything I’m taking with me and if they’re expensive I’d rather have them go with me instead of buying them again.
I’ve been told to start a journal with varying suggestions but have never kept to it entirely. I think I like this version though. I may have to try it.
Thank you for your suggestions! I’ll definitely keep them in mind and look into them when I have the chance! 😃
Thank you. I don’t think that’s what this friend was doing as she has never asked me for anything or cost me anything but she is still acting a bit off today now that she’s talking to me again. I’ve largely given up on finding someone to actually date I more just want people who are both my friends and can at least occasionally make time to do something fun instead of just having people I text.
I’ll let you know if things change but I should be better tomorrow when I get back to work and can keep myself out of the house and preoccupied. Thanks again 🙂
It sounds to me that you are doing better than you think , reaching out to folk, it’s tough but not everyone is like us, I could walk away from everyone right now, as I don’t like a lot of what I see, stay with trusted folk, say hi to people, and look after you, lots hugs x
Thank you. 😃. I probably am doing better than I think but I have my moments. This weekend was a bad one for me emotionally but I’m hanging in there. It’s Monday and I’m back to work so I’m doing ok even though I’m tired from the schedule change.
I’m sorry to hear you could walk away from everyone right now. There are a lot of people in my life I could and some I would love to. I hope that changes for you soon and you find some people you can trust and talk to 🙂
Hey faulhallen your living situation sounds like it's only getting worse. Sorry bro, hang in there. I think finding a church and plugging in is a great idea.
I recommend choosing a non-denominational church. I am a Christian myself, grew up Baptist. I have a deep seated mistrust of organized religion myself. As an adult I attend a non-denominational and my church seems to get it - it's about relationships. Firstly with Jesus, secondly with your fellow man. In a very practical sense, that 2nd priority will expose you to plenty of potential connections. My advice is that if you go, curb your expectations a little. Churches are for sinners after all. The best ones tend to be welcoming, but sometimes it takes a few times seeing you before they warm up.
Parts of it are at least. I don’t feel like I’m actively being yelled at as much but I try to juggle being home as little as possible with spending as much time with my kids as possible. I’ve grown rather fond of local parks and free family events 😁
I may try a non-denominational church as well as seeing what Unitarians are about since they were to me as well but the one I remember having attended once or twice before felt like a bit much for me. I may try one with a bit less of a boisterous reputation...
Thank you for the suggestion though! I’ll look into it! 😃. I hope things are going well for you!
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I don’t know how to be positive. Need help. 
I need a friend now more than ever...
Idk just need to connect 
I need a friend
