Things I hate hearing

[Flaweddesign]

stop thinking that way, you are just looking for attention. Or everyone feels anxious sometimes, nothing wrong with you. You talked about this for so long, can we talk about something else? ...or my least favorite, "life is not fair, suck it up."....*sigh*

[Hidden]

Stop thinking that way might be right, if you try to think differently it might help you.

Most people dont understand it thats why they say these things, maybe you could show them some of the posts on here to let them see what it is all about.

[Flaweddesign]

I feel so small every time. So I come on here and speak to wonderful people like you who makes me feel little more accepted. ☺ just so I dont have to cry somewhere alone.

[Flaweddesign]

Thank you. ☺

[MrZee]

Dear Flaweddesign,

First of all you’re not “flawed.” You’re a human being worthy of life.

We live in a “oh c’mon get happy” society where most people do not have the patience for those of us with mental health struggles.

For instance, I’m a worrier. Often I’m told, “Don’t worry....” “It’s no big deal...” “You’re just being too sensitive...” and so on. I detest that.

But I do my best not to be angry about their lack of empathy.

Instead, I choose to be around people that understand and have empathy, such as being on this site. Giving others harsh advice is a sign of not caring and it’s dismissive. So those few that I do call friends know me well enough not to toss the dismissive BS at me. But they do know how to be empathetic, lend a caring shoulder and listen. The more people like that that I’m around, the better I feel about myself.

Good people that care are hard to find. But alas they are out there. This site is a good start for positive friendly support from people with similar struggles and who know how to listen and care.

Best,

MZ

[Flaweddesign in reply to MrZee]

I do feel that way. Last month or so it's been such a roller coaster, I havent had a chance to gather my thoughts. Unfortunately it's people who I want to talk to say things like that to me. I do like this site because I can talk to others who goes through similar issues and doubts. I do feel better when I come on here. Thank you for your kind words.

[Phoenix_Rising in reply to MrZee]

MrZee growing up I always heard, "your so sensitive!" I hate that one!!! I always have to think maybe I'm not too sensitive maybe you need a lesson in empathy. I also think the "c'mon get happy" attitude is just laziness so that people don't have to dive into each other's problems. I think we have gotten to be a very superficial society. We don't want to hear each other's problems and we don't challenge our own thoughts or ways of thinking. I do think depression and anxiety give us a unique perspective on life. For me I'm always on guard looking for early depression or anxiety symptoms that let me know I'm on the brink of an episode. I don't get the luxury of being lazy with my own way of thinking, slacking on my diet, or missing workouts. I know if I don't work on all of those things then I'm at a higher risk of having another episode. I have to be hyper vigilant to what I do. In turn that makes me hyper vigilant to the people around me. I've literally become a BS detector since I'm very aware of emotional changes in my friends and family.

[Flaweddesign in reply to Phoenix_Rising]

I think I like to hear others problems since if I feel like if I can help someone who is going through something I can make even little bit of difference, I can maybe pin point why I feel the way I do. I have a friend who has serious issues and she reaches out, I listen mostly and leave judgement out the door. But also I think it makes hard for me to share with my friends and family because I want to be their rock and if I share any weak thoughts they might not talk to me anymore. I wish I can take my own advice but sometimes I want someone to lean on too. When you live across the country from all your friends and family and at 30s it seems like making new friends are impossible at times. I admire how strong you are and I hope I feel as you do someday. ☺

[Phoenix_Rising in reply to Flaweddesign]

Flaweddesign I think you nailed it, the gift in all of this is it makes us want to ensure people aren't hurting. After re-reading my post it sounds negative, but what I meant by BS detector is that when people tell you their fine or okay and you just know they aren't, because you've been in their shoes before. It makes you care about them and give them a safe place to open up to. On the flip side of that we all need to be able to talk about things, so I'm glad your here. We need a safe space to talk about what's going on in our lives and this place is even better because it's a lot of people who suffer from similar things. They can provide advice, support, and kindness. I also live across the country from all of my family and a lot of my friends, and making friends is tough, but online support has been amazing. I'm glad you are here, and that we can talk. Don't let anyone, even yourself, let you think that talking about your struggles or having problems makes you weak, because facing problems and struggles head on is some of the strongest things I have ever done! You are strong! Even when it doesn't feel like it you are! Much love to you!

[Flaweddesign in reply to Phoenix_Rising]

Thank you and much love to you also!

[gogogirl in reply to MrZee]

I like that- the C'mon get happy attitude. In the US- even the sound bite MSM news seems to be so superficial. That's why I tend to take a break or read, or watch C Span, PBS or BBC, DW etc. At any rate the dismissive attitude is not authentic- I think- it's like I'll pretend or I just want to be around happy people or I'll get depressed. Part of living of course is experiencing all emotions not just happiness and that is relative. I think it's okay to be negative- just read an article in Psychology Today about having the permission to not feel negative about feeling negative. For instance if someone just lets it out that he/she is not having the best day and is okay with that versus feeling guilty about not having a good day ( which can bring on anxiety and depression ). Very interesting.

[hypercat54]

Hi I wonder when you talk about your issues to others what you are looking for? Is it help? Understanding? Caring? Acceptance? I don't think unless others have suffered them that they can fully understand and there is no reason why they should.

It is worth remembering though that while they don't suffer like we do, everyone goes through **** times and they can't always be long suffering and there for us when we want them to be. It has to be about give and take as well. x

[Flaweddesign in reply to hypercat54]

I guess that's why I dont share too much... I do cry a lot. I'm sorry for sharing....i dont mean to whine.... Once you read this I'll delete this post. I listen....i guess I want to be treated as I treat others...?? I dont know what to do....i literally only have this site......

[hypercat54 in reply to Flaweddesign]

Hey hold on I am not having a go at you - quite the reverse. I am trying to get you to ask yourself some questions which may help if you can think about them. It's perfectly fine to feel like you do but it's not really helping you and I am trying to help you.

Just trying to give you other angles. Please don't delete your post and carry on talking to us. We are always here to listen sweetheart. Ok? xx

[Flaweddesign in reply to hypercat54]

I understand. No one in my life knows I have mental issues... I dont mean to be dramatic and I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Thank you for your advice and I'll try what you said.

[hypercat54 in reply to Flaweddesign]

No worries - you are just expressing how you feel and that's fine. If you want to consider what I said it's there for you to. If you don't want to then that's fine. You didn't make me at all uncomfortable so no worries. Stay with us and talk. x

[gogogirl in reply to Flaweddesign]

Feel free to share any time.

[gogogirl in reply to hypercat54]

Yes, everyone does go through issues that is for sure, but some people certainly have been through more of the pillars that is for sure. It does absolutely have to be about give and take. There are now more and more warm lines popping up that people can call as well and do no have to give names. I have also noticed this- ever since the financial global crash more and more people have reported having issues of anxiety and depression- probably because of the rug being pulled out from under us. In the USA, it's said that at least 30 per cent of the population has a mental health diagnosis at any one time. Well, no wonder!!! Always like your posts!

[hypercat54 in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you gogogirl - ditto. You always make a lot of sense and help loads on here so I always read what you say.

It seems to me that anxiety and depression (mostly the former) are on the increase especially in youngsters and I wonder what we as a society are doing to cause this. If I had a pound for every young person at uni who posted on here about their anxiety I would be rich. This mainly seems to be in the USA and not so much in the UK where I am.

I also worry about all those who come in saying they hate themselves. I wonder why they do and why they expect so much of themselves that they can't allow themselves to be human and have feelings and emotions. It's a worrying trend. x

[gogogirl in reply to hypercat54]

Greetings from across the pond again!!! I like watching BBC news when I can. A and D are on the rise also in older adults ( yep) . The reason seems to be multifold but in more recent times it;s the economy and of course ta dah- politics. Of course people have their own issues as well but there is the overlay and the fact that the news ( MSM) here does not report much on a lot of issues affecting people in their daily lives. I always read what you say also. When I see more and more young kids who are anxious or who cannot play but always say mean things about others ( even at the age of five or six) something is definitely wrong. It's like their parents or someone else are projecting anxiety onto them. You always have the issues spot on, and have helped so many on this site.

[hypercat54 in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you xx

[Agora1]

Like you Flaw, I have heard it all over the years including "it's all about you". It's frustrating, hurtful and upsetting to hear people emotionally putting us down. I've learned to become thick skin. I give them what they want to hear. "I'm good" "I'm okay" but a smile needs to come with that.

People cannot understand anything that is chronic and yet doesn't show physically. They just can't. The person with chronic headaches is in the same position as we are because it doesn't show, it's debilitating and unfortunately is used as a frivolous excuse by many. The word Anxiety has lost it's meaning now a days. Yes it's true everyone gets anxious from time to time but they fail to see this as a disorder. A chemical/biological disorder of our brain.

I no longer owe anyone an explanation of why I can't accept an invitation. I've learned now to say "no" once and if it's not accepted "oh well". It has certainly cut down on a lot of anxiety rather than trying over and over to explain and keep getting further in a hole. We live and learn. This is my life and I will not have anxiety or others control me. xx

[Flaweddesign in reply to Agora1]

I do smile a lot, apparently to people that means I am happy. Truth is I smile so no one asks me questions because they dont really want to hear what I have to say,I've seen over and over again their eyes glaze over as I spoke. I still have hard time saying no... I try to be best listener I can since I know what's like being ignored or just dismissed. How often in mid sentence people cut me off and I stop talking. It is so much easier to listen. I like it here because for the first time I feel like my voice is heard. Thank you for your reply. It made me feel much better.

[Agora1 in reply to Flaweddesign]

xx

[Hidden]

I swear these things are so hurtful & I hear them a lot from family or friends.

It's like, we are tired of FEELING this way. We don't WANT TO feel like this.

If we could just turn it all off, we wouldn't feel like this & need to talk about it.

Thank gosh we have this site. <3

[Flaweddesign in reply to Hidden]

I wish they could live in our heads just for a day sometimes. I am glad You are here and I'll always listen. I am glad we have this site.

[Hidden in reply to Flaweddesign]

I'm glad you are here too & I'll always listen to you as well.

My mom told me recently that she's had a lot of bad things happen to her in her life & she's never let it affect her the way it has me. It hurt me so much, because if I want anyone to understand, it's her. It broke my soul a little bit, but I get it..

We can just try to get through it the best we can. I wish you peace & happiness. <3

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

I wonder if your mom is just expressing her concern in her own way? Perhaps she's just worried about you. Of course you know best. it's good that she's still here though and you can talk to her. Peace be with you mermaid and keep swimming!

[gogogirl in reply to Hidden]

I like your "handle" mermaid. You go girl.

[MrZee]

I find when it comes to criticism from others (especially if it’s negative) that they are criticizing themselves.

In the human condition, things we don’t like about certain other people are things we don’t like about ourselves.

For instance my oldest sister is an extremely angry person. Everything makes her angry. Years ago we used to have a relationship until I could no longer put up with her abuse. She’d tell me that I’m a scumbag, a liar, and disrespectful. Now isn’t that interesting... she’s the only one that has ever told me that. My sister has stolen money from my mother, tells constant lies, gossips, and is outright rude to people. Basically she “barks into the mirror.”

So to sum it all up, I believe when we’re negatively criticized, those who are dishing that are criticizing themselves... without even knowing it.

And those of us... the aware ones are *good* people.