I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore.

[Bri_mongan]

Well today I had another breakdown. Fifth breakdown in like 4 days. Let me give you some background. I'm 18, I still attend high school, as to why.. thats a story for another day. But anyway, I have a job, and my anxiety gets so bad that I DREAD going into work. I'm the type of person who likes and finds comfort in having everything planned out, it gets annoying, but I hate when things are randomly thrown on me. It sucks. Recently has been very difficult. I contemplated whether i should just give up. But I can't. I can't put that burden on my friends and my boyfriend. I wouldn't care otherwise, which is so sad to say. About two weeks ago, I loved my life. I was so happy, no worries, no anxiety. But for some reason, and i truly don't know, Ive been worse than ever. I had a terrible panic attack the other night. I was laying down and started thinking... ha i bet thats why. I overthink everything. I couldn't breathe, I cried so much. I had my boyfriend on facetime til i fell asleep. And he had no problem with it. When I tell you I got blessed, I did. He is such a blessing to my life. He is one of the three people I can tell anything to and be myself. He knows almost everything I've been through. And I love him so much for being there for me and trying to help me through whatever it is i need him to help me through. I always have such an irrational fear that I'm going to screw everything up with everything. Well, this part is mainly due to my ex telling me, "You're not good enough, I dont love you anymore" when e broke up, and thats really when my depression skyrocketed. I lost so much weight to the point where I didn't eat for weeks, and it showed, people would tell me i'm too skinny. I'm already skinny, and tiny, I'm 5'0. I weigh under 100 lbs . I'll get into why my depression started as a young kid another time. Believe me, I won't run out of stories to tell you guys.

[gerg]

Hi Bri,

I have learned a lot about irrational fears, they are fueled by our irrational self talk (thoughts). I found this one sentence in your post that may be an award winner, " I always have such an irrational fear that I'm going to screw everything up with everything". There is a process called RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) that is a very effective way to deal with this issue. There are other things that you can do, but I was really helped by RET.

Part of RET deals with the "shoulds" and "oughts" in our lives. Much of this is related to our pasts. Acceptance is key, we cannot change our past but we can change how we view our past. I have gotten to the point where my past is just data, it no longer powers my emotions now.

As far as needing to have things planned out, I feel ya. I battle this often and my RET has really helped me here too.

I hope you find some contentment and serenity very soon.