To Bolt or Not to Bolt...

[MrZee]

To Bolt or Not To Bolt...That is the question...

This post may be a bit long, so please bear with me. I am hoping there are those out there that can relate to this...

Last year, Hubby asked me if I would like to go to his College Alumni annual dinner. I said, "Sure, it sounds quite interesting." I wasn't thinking at the time of what would happen when being there...

We arrived and the reception was *packed*. I instantly grew very anxious. With crowds, especially people I don't know, I feel suffocated. Plus, I told Hubby not to go wandering off and leave me. The crowd was so immense I grew incredibly anxious that I just wanted to bolt out of there. Plus it was all upper academicians who have multiple degrees or doctorates. As for me, I have no college degree (another story there). I didn't get the language the people were speaking. And it seemed most people were bragging about their academic accomplishments and awards.

I had to think quickly of what to do...stay or bolt. Fortunately, there were caterers there walking around with trays of wine filled glasses. So I began hitting on the wine to help calm me. On the contrary, I am an extremely rare drinker (like maybe 1 glass of wine a year, if that). But I was so anxious at this gathering, before I knew it I had 5 glasses of wine. Hubby even said, "That's enough." I did not make any drunken scene, but I wasn't as anxious either. I do not like turning to liquor to cope. But at that gathering it seemed the only thing there to help get me through the event.

Then we sat down to a fancy dinner (there were about 500 people there). After dinner came the speeches and awards. About 3 people where honored about their uncountable accomplishments in life, all their degrees, and their involvements in the community. As these accomplished people spoke, I immediately grew depressed thinking that I'm defective with no great accomplishments in life. I wanted to cry and just bolt. But I stuck it out until it was over. Thank gawd, when it was done I got away from the crowds. I was quiet in the car on the way home and Hubby asked, "What's wrong?" Christ, I hate that when someone who cannot empathize asks, me that question. I told hubby, "To tell you the truth, I felt suffocated there as well as bored listening about the upper academician's umpteen achievements."

But here's the good thing about all this. Right then and there at that event I was thinking, "I'm sure I'm not alone when it comes to feeling defective around 'accomplished people'" and crowds. Then I thought that I need to be with people that have the same social struggles as I do or feel defective. Knowing that I do not feel so alone and isolated.

Looking back at all this, I will not attend any more "awards" ceremonies. I don't want to hear about other people umpteen achievements. It bores me. I want to be around people that have similar struggles to mine and we can help one another with empathy by feeling like we're not alone.

I am grateful for this site. It helps me to write this all out. I welcome your feedback.

Best,

MZ

[Hidden]

They can have all the doctorates and degrees. They can’t take it with them when they die. Love is the only item we take with us when we die. If you live a life of love it lasts an eternity. Death is the great equalizer.

[MrZee in reply to Hidden]

Interesting introspective feedback. I had to read it twice to get it. But you are right, when they pass on, they can't take their degrees and accomplishments with them. I have a lot of love in me. Thank you for pointing that out.

MZ

[KrierandRosie in reply to MrZee]

I have a college degree but I have not accomplished anything spectacular. I feel like a total loser most of the time. Some people are braggarts. Our president likes to compliment himself regularly. I find him repulsive. You can have accomplishments in life without college. I am 65, so I know how age feels. There is less time to accomplish things. It does not matter what you do in life. Just take time to find your own happiness.

[MrZee in reply to KrierandRosie]

Thank you KrierandRosie...

I’m turning 60, so I know how age feels.

I appreciate your response. I’ve learned at least for me that a major accomplishment is working on finding my own contentment within. With my social anxiety, I’m hoping some day to have a small group of supportive friends that also deal with similar challenges that I have. There we can be supportive of one another. I don’t care for “accomplished braggarts” because as mentioned they bore me especially that their bragging is a mask over their struggles.

So yes, I am on a mission to find happiness and contentment that is also supportive for my esteem. Thank you for caring.

Best,

MZ