Scared to go back to old ways

[Mari201]

Dealing with anxiety I’ve realized that certain aspects of my life cause me to spiral into a dark hole, one of those being a relationship with a friend. It’s so complicated, we started out as strictly friends and slowly turned into something but it never fully developed. He’s at a point of his life where he’s not ready to fully commit and I know he sees me as someone who deserves better, or at least I hope. I care for him so much and I wish things were back to how they used to be. We used to talk everyday without fail, he truly made me so happy! For the past three months we stopped talking because i felt like I’m always the one that’s trying and he’s not but in all honesty i think it was more about me dealing with the worst of my depression and anxiety which is not something I talk to him about.

Anyways my point is for about a year I made my life about him, he became my priority and I was always okay with that until we had a falling out and realized that I was left in the dark and not knowing how to be happy on my own. I worked on it and felt like I got better but now I’m realizing I’m going back to old ways now that we’re working on our friendship again. I don’t want to make my life about him, I want to be happy and make myself happy. I do want him in my life! I want to figure out how to have him in my life but not make my life about him. But I’m so scared to lose him that I feel like I would do anything to keep him around even sabotaging myself.

It’s crazy because I’ve never been this person but I don’t know how to fix it. He’s been through so much and is going through so much that I want to be there for him.

I know this probably made no sense but just writing about it made me feel a bit better. Thank you if you read it all.

[francime]

From my POV, people with anxiety tend to worry about what could go wrong. And we obsess over it. Therefore, one of the toughest types of relationships to be in is one with ambiguity. It seems as if he didn’t have the ability to give you want you needed so y’all took a break. I think you will have to come to terms with the internal struggle you will feel to have him in your life, or the peace but loneliness you may feel if you choose to move on and search for someone else. I am not suggesting either path but only that each one has pros and cons. If you have found what you believe is true love, then it may be worth it. If it’s not true love, then save yourself the torture.

[jesca18 in reply to francime]

I’m going through something similar.

Great advice. Thank you

[Mari201 in reply to francime]

Thank you so much for your advice!

[PDM83]

Just be happy for the time you have now and the way it can change and bring out the better in both people. It's a hard topic I'm sure to deal with. There are a lot of emotions. Learning to set boundaries in positive ways while you can also focus. It's a balance of the many factors. Things will work, I'm sure. If it's true love, they miss you considerably and are willing to accept the notion of your request. It's not an easy life, it's also a life worth making for a friend you love. Take care of yourself and find what is needed for the long run.