Hello,
Hope everyone reading this is okay. I know we all have tough times but however here’s mine .
I can’t go back years ago when I realised I was depressed . Actually I was out with my friend and explained I cry over nothing and sleep lots and he told me I was depressed . Fast forward !
I realise I don’t like taking calls anymore especially from my elder brother . We lost our dad years ago and he’s the eldest boy - yes he has been helping us all, financially especially. But you know what ? He is never wrong . He tells everyone what to do and wants you to be there whenever he calls and all that . Yes we are African migrants. I was on a student visa , 20hours to work a week , had to pay my fees . Wasn’t easy - my mum helped me with my fees sometimes . I went through so much and many things am ashamed to mention for money .
Well , recently I have been down and he tried calling , I texted him and said we could text rather than call as my mental health isn’t good - he said ok”hope you get well soon “. A week later my mum is in my neck to text him apparently he has a business idea and needs me my opinion I asked to text it through but he called - believe me , he didn’t ask how I was - he went straight to “I will be honest and tell you ....” he went in saying how he helped me migrate and I am ignoring him and how he helps the whole family but we always treat him funny, believe me you, no one does . He tells my mum how I am not smart and how I spend all my years studying and working in a cafe , and yes my other sister says same but when they speak to me they don’t mention. He tells me how I have full work rights but not actively looking . He goes on about his business and how his gf is helping him out when I as his sister should be the one helping . Apparently his gf asked why I wasn’t helping him and he said “I don’t speak to him “ . I could lie and die for my sibling but in the past up to now , my brother thinks it makes him look better by making me always look bad, he will support strangers over me . Anyways ...
I have been applying for jobs like crazy - I wish I could even work or free just to better my resume . Am doing a PhD and yet no one will give me a job. So yes I work in a cafe and braid on the side .
I can’t even tell my partner am depressed . My story is long . And maybe this doesn’t bring out what I have in mind .
I am ignoring his call and he has texted again. When I don’t speak to him or maybe like the 1 week I told him am not ok, it was the best of my life . I believe I am depressed today because of him .
I kept my depression a secret for four years and he was the first I told less than six months ago , but he tells me yesterday when he called I am not allowed to be depressed because I am from African and from a tough life and bla bla bla . That made me feel like I am a waste you know ? Maybe am weak like they all say
I am looking for an appointment with a counsellor I feel like if I don’t get help soon I will go back into full depression state . I can barely be at work like I hate my job now and nothing interest me . As I can’t find a proper job .
Sorry for the long rant- no friends to talk with