New to this, but here’s my story

[Confuscion]

After two years of being a senior engineering leader, I was laid off due to elimination of overlaps. Looking back at my life, I’ve realized that I’ve slowly spiraled down with low confidence and anxiety that I’d ignored. Now, I’m unemployed with piles of bills, people I love that depend on me, a realization that my self-doubt has prevented me from connecting more and more over time with my partner of 7 years, and fear of losing everything that I love and care about. She lost her mom early this year, and we are both grieving, but she suffers in silence. She can’t take on my problems or help while she’s struggling. I have so many emotions and thoughts that I can’t seem to turn off. Was I lucky and my luck ran out? How can I take care of my family without destroying their lives? The negative thoughts flood in waves, and I find myself in a rollercoaster.

My leg won’t stop bouncing though I’m sleeping, exercising, and trying to change my mindset. I dry heave in bursts, and can’t focus well at all (this part has slowly taken hold over the years).

I’m talking to a professional, which helps temporarily, but my confidence is shot and my nerves are firing on all cylinders. I love my family, and don’t want to see them suffer because of my shortcomings. I also don’t want them to leave me. I try to not let them see me break down, so I head to a private space to break down. At least the panic attacks are done. My memory has gone downhill for the past seven years or so, and forgetting anniversaries hurts my partner deeply. Calendar reminders work, when things don’t change, but my relationship is at risk because of my flaw. I’m hopeful, I suppose, and don’t think about self or outward harm. I just wish I weren’t so weak. Fingers are crossed, and trying to stay grounded.

I’m not perfect as a family man, but I try. I don’t take pictures of us because I hate my appearance, and don’t want to sully my beautiful family memories. I moved my parents in with us to keep them off of the streets (long story) and my partner doesn’t get along with them well. I end up mediating and being ambassador, but that doesn’t always work when my parents say insensitive things. Another problem for another day...

[gogogirl]

Sorry about all of that. Wow, you're an engineer- that is very impressive. I understand the issues that come with being older such as having to deal with more in life and also writing more down including having an appointment calendar so I can relate to that.! I hope you and your partner do not suffer in silence with each other - you need each other. As far as your" flaw" goes and worrying about your appearance- well that is good that you are seeing someone. Remember you are human, and try to be kind to yourself and to let others in also. Welcome aboard by the way. It sounds like you are a good person who had some tough luck lately. What type of engineer are you?

[Confuscion in reply to gogogirl]

Hi. Thanks for the tips and welcome! I’m a software engineer, but self-taught. I wish my mind would be as forgiving as others have been. For some reason, though others reassure me, my mind keeps reverting.

[b1b1b1 in reply to Confuscion]

I think there is a pretty good demand for software engineers.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

Wow,, and self taught yet! I know someone who has a degree in that. I wish you the best in sorting things out and getting back on your feet. Life sure isn't a bowl of goodies all of the time. Glad you came to this site. I have met some really strong supportive people here.

[Marshall64]

I can relate to your story. I have been in engineering (electrical and controls) for many years and recently got laid off because of downsizing. It wasn't a surprise since business was so bad. Anyway, I lack confidence in my skills especially since for the last few years i had to work with two cocky people who put down everyone. They didn't hide their feelings about me. They had much more experience and I admit they had more drive.

I wouldn't be so stressed but I'm a single dad of a 12 year old girl so the burden of that responsibility weighs on me. Looking for a job is stressful, especially job interviews.