What do I do?

[ReadableSG]

I am a closeted gay and I want to come out to my family, but they are all homophobic and trying to keep it a secret from them is making my anxiety come back, which is also bringing back my depression... What do I do?

[MandyBueno]

i am not gay, but i put myself in your shoes, if i was, i would have to go through a tough time cause my family is homophobic . But there was a time i was questioning, and made out with some gurls but never told no one about this. My family is christian ( me too) but they have some beliefs which i do not take into consideration and we've argued about it. Maybe, someone from your family may know you are, cause this is something that is so hard to hide, cause this is who you are. But i'm so afraid to tell you to go and tell your parents because i don't want anything bad to happen to you, speacially if you still live with them. But the right think to do is accept who you are, talk to people, go to some support group and when is the right time to tell them, you will feel ready. Meanwhile hold on. You will be fine. I'm with you.

[ReadableSG in reply to MandyBueno]

yea, thanks

[ReadableSG in reply to MandyBueno]

I tried to talk to my christian friends on Facebook about it... all they did was screenshot it and sent it to my sister... she blackmails me with that screenshot...

[MandyBueno in reply to ReadableSG]

How rude!!! i hope u get fine. We could talk private. I'm here for you.

[ReadableSG in reply to MandyBueno]

Thanks

[fauxartist in reply to ReadableSG]

Those are not friends that would betray your confidence

[Hidden]

I am struggling with the same dilemma. I know we should just be honest and up front but that is easier said then done. Praying for strength for both of us.

[ReadableSG in reply to Hidden]

Thanks

[fauxartist]

In a perfect world, we could change the way those that we love with love and understanding, back in the day 70's-80's there was this movement of 'Coming Out' as a sort of right of passage, it was a disaster to many, it shouldn't have been, but people even if family, sadly family can be idiots and ignorant...unfortunately that's not always the case. This is a list I looked up on all case scenarios....good read...hope it helps:

Despite the evidence that Americans are getting more tolerant of gay and lesbian people, parents still reject their children when they come out — ejecting them from their homes and ceasing all financial support. Some even react with violence. Other parents may feel as if their children died — and they no longer recognize the person they raised from infancy. Kids (and adults) who are considering coming out may have a hard time understanding and coping with these reactions.

So, as you can see, the decision to come out is rarely easy and must be approached with caution. Here are some guidelines to help you decide.

Consider NOT telling them if:

1. They often say things that are anti-gay or homophobic. Have you overheard such remarks — perhaps in reference to someone else? Gay issues, such as bullying, same-sex marriage, and the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," have been regular media topics as of late. What have you heard your parents say about these issues?

2. They have threatened to hurt you if they ever found out you are gay. Sometimes parents might suspect and mistakenly think their threats will "scare you straight." However, such threats should be taken seriously and factored into your decision of whether or not to come out.

3. You are financially and physically dependent on your parents. If you come out, what is the likelihood that your parents will throw you out of the house and/or withdraw all financial support (including money for college)? If the chances of this happening are strong, you might want to consider "holding off" until you have finished school, are financially independent, and have your own place to live.

4. You would be devastated if they reacted badly. Could you handle it emotionally if they had a negative reaction? Don't do it if you haven't developed a tough enough skin to hear initial statements, such as "You know, now you are going to hell!" or "I would rather you told me you were a murderer." (Yes, some parents say crazy things like this out of initial shock and worry for you — they often don't mean it and regret it later.)

5. Your "gut" says not to. This is a good time to trust your own "inner wisdom."

Remember, this isn't a race. Putting it off for now is a decision you can always change in the future. However, if, after carefully considering all of these cautions, you decide to take the plunge, here are some guidelines:

Before you tell them:

1. Have a worst-case scenario plan. If you are young, and they kick you out of the house and refuse to support you or pay for college, be sure to have a disaster plan to fall back on. Where will you live? How will you get the money you need to live away from home in case you need to?

2. Gather your supports. Assemble a network of sympathetic friends, relatives, and, if you are still in school, counselors and teachers — people to lean on if things get bad. Let them know you are planning on telling your parents, and that you'll need them to be available for temporary housing, a listening ear, and emotional support through the process.

3. Decide that you will be OK no matter what happens. (You will!)

When you tell them:

1. Pick a good time and place. There may never be "the perfect time," and if there is one, you might lose your nerve and let the opportunity pass — that's ok, don't sweat it. However, do not tell them in the midst of an argument or a family crisis. You don't want to look like you are doing this to hurt your parents. Also, don't do it during an important family occasion, like a wedding, funeral, or holiday celebration — you don't want to complicate things by stealing anyone's thunder.

2. As you come out to your folks, tell them you love them, and that you seek a close, honest, loving relationship with them. (That is why you're doing this, right?)

3. Reassure them that you are happy and healthy. Don't try to argue them into accepting you (that rarely works). Instead, show them you are happy and healthy. Among the parents of 65 gay and lesbian youth I interviewed, seeing their children were contented and doing well seemed to assuage parents' feelings of worry, guilt, and mourning.

4. Don't expect them to adjust right away. Parents need time to deal with their self-blame, mourning, guilt, and worry. Sometimes when we come out, we expect our parents to go from 0 to 60 with lightning speed. (Remember how long it took you to get used to the idea that you were gay or lesbian?) Keep this in mind, and give them at least a quarter of the time it took for you to adjust.

. Get them educational resources. Try to convince them to contact Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), a support group for parents of gays, lesbians, bisexual, and transgender persons. Their website includes lots of excellent resources (pflag.org (link is external)), as well as information on meetings at local chapters.

And most importantly....

Hang in there! If my personal, clinical, and research experiences are any indication, there is a very good chance that things will get better with time — even with parents who initially say those hateful things. In the meantime, stay optimistic and take good care of yourself — and give yourself credit for having the courage to take the risks necessary to live your life honestly and openly.

[ReadableSG]

alright, thanks

[Stilltrying_]

Well you've already had a lot of good advice. I am gay; oersonally I don't think it's a good idea to tell people who may be prejudiced and I feel it's ok to lie about my sexuality if it's going to avoid an uncomfortable situation so you could tell your sister it was just a phase and you are over it. You know who you are and there is nothing shameful in it ; it just isn't the majority and minorities can get targeted and also unfortunately the Church though professing that God loves everyone often if you delve deeper you will find that they don't mean gays!! I have a lot of Christian friends. They don't know I am gay and I can have quite interesting discussions with them when they tell me they "struggle" with gays. Luckily I don't "look" gay so people assume I am not; so therefore I am privvy to their true feelings about this subject and my experience is that many people do not like it to say the least. As long as you accept yourself and realise there is absolutely nothing wrong with you but some things are best kept to yourself. Many people will disagree with me. Many people feel it's best to be out so I am just proferring my opinion but in the end it needs to be your choice. We all have different ways of handling things. Gemmalouise XXXX

[Hidden in reply to Stilltrying_]

Stilltrying,

You are so right. Everyone should handle it in his/her own way. It's all about your own comfort level.

Blessing!

[fauxartist in reply to Stilltrying_]

I believe that it's no ones business what your private life is. I don't care what the so called straight world do or who they do it with, it's nobody's business what I do in my life. I lived through the 60's,70' when burning bras and waving flags of freedom of expression was happening. Now everyone is hiding under a rock not to get targeted or pigeon-holed by some idiots prejudice. You have every right to keep your lifestyle to yourself. Why paint a bullseye on your back to be the target of every yahoo that has some grudge against the world to project their crap onto you. When you close your doors, that's your world to live your life as you please.

[ReadableSG in reply to Stilltrying_]

Thanks, that really helped