Scared of Happiness

[Free-thoughts]

For some reason I find myself afraid to be happy. Its something I want to see myself having and I hear all these ways to achieve it but something holds me back. I feel like if I somehow attain it, that somehow it's not a good thing. I have felt for so long this deep empty sadness on the inside idk what happiness is even supposed to feel like. I've been raised in the pessimistic household, told over and over negative things, my opinions and feelings unrecognized or told to feel something different and smile, or told I wasn't feeling that and moved on, confused and lonely. Raised to never trust anyone but my mom when in reality she betrays me the most. I don't know how to have a normal relationship or have normal feelings. So the thought of happiness seems just somehow unattainable since I was raised to think it wasn't and pushed that I wasn't capable of being able to. After so long of living in a household like that and still even after I move out still being told the same things, its hard to let go of that mindset. I just don't know how to defend myself or say anything. Makes me feel like a coward.

[jkl5500]

Naturally, the way you were brought up to think when you were a child will stay with you for the rest of your life, unless you actively take steps to change it. We have corresponded on another post, and I know you said money is tight as far as getting therapy is concerned.

Still, from what you wrote, this is so ingrained in you that only therapy is going to put you on a more healthy path in life. I suggest you try a web search for "low cost mental health clinics in (your hometown)". It sounds like you are really hurting from all this, and I hope you take action and start treatment very soon.

I wish you the best.

[Free-thoughts in reply to jkl5500]

Thank you. We have only had a slight communication, but I can tell you seem like a caring type of person to take the time to read these post and respond. I definitely will. I need to take control of the reins in my life. Change things up. Living the same day pretty much the same just isn't going to get my anywhere. It's going to be hard to balance it with my life responsibilities but I have to be a happier me if I can set a better example for my child. So he doesn't grow up the same way I did. Doing something is better than waiting for things to get better and wondering why they aren't. I just can't be afraid to be me, be honest, or afraid of the what it's or possible failures. Because who cares if I fail I've got more chances and it was a learning experience. Thank you again for taking the time to reply. You have helped me get my mind a'turnin