For some reason I find myself afraid to be happy. Its something I want to see myself having and I hear all these ways to achieve it but something holds me back. I feel like if I somehow attain it, that somehow it's not a good thing. I have felt for so long this deep empty sadness on the inside idk what happiness is even supposed to feel like. I've been raised in the pessimistic household, told over and over negative things, my opinions and feelings unrecognized or told to feel something different and smile, or told I wasn't feeling that and moved on, confused and lonely. Raised to never trust anyone but my mom when in reality she betrays me the most. I don't know how to have a normal relationship or have normal feelings. So the thought of happiness seems just somehow unattainable since I was raised to think it wasn't and pushed that I wasn't capable of being able to. After so long of living in a household like that and still even after I move out still being told the same things, its hard to let go of that mindset. I just don't know how to defend myself or say anything. Makes me feel like a coward.