Ugh life

[lil_avocado]

I’m dealing with sooooo many demons from so long ago that if effects everything... being addicted to someone isn’t healthy & I know it isn’t.... but it’s hard when all your life you’ve had NO ONE & someone finally walks in& becomes everything you’ve ever asked for. It’s like a drug. It’s all you want, all you need. I know it isn’t healthy for me &shouldn’t look at it that way but I’ve never had love until she walked into my life...

[vanessi]

What happened??

[lil_avocado in reply to vanessi]

I’ve just started realizing a lot of things...

[DragonTears]

Hi amcclantoc12, Thanks for sharing! I know this all too well and have had relationships ending because I just drained them of energy by making them the owner of my happiness. I utterly understand what you are saying. You are starved for love, closeness, camaraderie, warmth, touch and intimacy, so when you get it you grab it with all 10 claws and squeeze. It's like making up for all those years of lacking all at once. I know I did that and I realised that they could not love me enough, they could never satisfy my thirst, I kept asking for more and more until I drained them. It is a powerful addiction, one that we feel so intensely and the relief we feel when we think we can unburden ourselves onto someone else because they showed us love, is sooooo deep. It is like we have carried this pile of heavy rocks all our lives and when someone offers their help to carry it, we unload everything at once on them, and break their backs. This rarely ends well. We have to remember 2 things (learnt bitterly): 1: we have lived with our condition for a long time and know it well, but to them it is new and they need time and support to understand it. It is not fair to expect them to understand something that took you years to learn how to cope with, within months or weeks. 2: your happiness is not their responsibility. This one took me quite some time to accept. But it is true. Of course in a loving relationship we want to make the other person happy, but it is not anyone else's actual responsibility. We can express what we need and how we want to be treated or what makes us happy, but end of the day, it is our responsibility to know if they are making you happy or not. It is not for them to change and bend to your needs, nor to fix you. I know this one can be a bit harsh and sound like they shouldn't help you at all, but the difference is that, of course they need to support you, but it is your job to be responsible for you and your condition. An example from my own life, if you don't mind, my other half often travels for work and goes to football with his best mate a couple of weekends every month. He has done this since long before we met. I have separation issues so when he goes, I feel devastated and my anxiety goes through the roof. I would blame it on him, trying make him the bad guy for leaving me despite knowing how bad i feel. But that wasn't fair. He is not doing anything wrong....it is my responsibility to handle my condition. He is very supportive and helps me prepare to be on my own, we talk, make up calling time rules and everything. But he still goes because that's OK. Sorry for the long response, I hope you can pick up some helpful tips on here. We are here to help as best we can

[lil_avocado in reply to DragonTears]

Yes. That is a great way to put it. Thank you.