Cheating

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

What would you class as cheating? Is it always physical or can it be other things to?

[Windy101]

I think there are physical affairs and emotional affairs. Emotional, being that you look to that person as special and have romantic feelings that you don't act on. Both types of affairs can be pretty damaging to the original relationship.

[Hidden]

Can you cheat with your thoughts? I always wonder if fantasizing about someone counts as cheating 🤔

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to Hidden]

I'm thinking more going behind someone's back to message someone, having other people interested by texting them etc? My partner has always said he's never cheated because he hasn't done anything physically, but sometimes I wish he had so I could leave him and get over it. This seems 10x harder

[Hidden in reply to scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

Is he texting other girls?

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to Hidden]

I've been with him years, and it happened ages ago but I just can't move on from it. If he physically cheated I would have had a reason to leave, but I just feel trapped. It was a lot worse than just texting, there were a lot of girls involved behind my back, who caused us a lot of issues. I just constantly feel paranoid or angry and it isn't me. I hate it.

[Hidden in reply to scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

You said it happened ages ago, but it sound like you haven't forgave him and there's still trust issues. Has he changed since then?

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to Hidden]

There's definitely trust issues, that's the problem. A lot happened for a very long time, nothing drastic the past few months but the thought it always there.

[Hidden in reply to scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

Trust issues will definitely end the relationship, you can't stay with someone you don't trust. Have you told him you don't trust him if not you should, either he fight to prove to you that he's to be trusted or you guys should part ways

[HearYou]

If you are experiencing anxiety because you can't move on from a history long ago, maybe you need to talk to your doctor or therapist about this. It doesn't matter what I consider "cheating", but it appears it does to you and you're not happy in your relationship. Perhaps you could consider how you could "let go of it", or maybe you could consider how you could "let go of him". My best to you on whatever you choose to do.

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to HearYou]

I've considered this several times, I think it's something I will eventually do, it's just getting there and asking for help which is the hardest part. Thank you for your help.

[CaptainCrunch]

I am working through my wife's affairs and I would say and believe cheating is just the same as fantasizing. It may not have the drastic affects as physical cheating but that is where all cheating begins... with a thought in the mind. Most cheaters probably can't believe they were capable of cheating. But this because their infidelity starts out so small and so insignificantly.

It is everyone's job to guard their own heart. Another one is "sin is crouching at your door but you must learn to master it."

A hard part for me is when I find other women beautiful or attractive. I could tell myself, "I admire them like a beautiful sunset."

However pleasing thoughts, whether it is ice cream or beautiful women, create feelings and feeling eventually can turn into actions. By choosing to look, which is pleasurable and enjoyable and feels good to my brain, it is still not profitable for my family, for my own well being or my children.

What now works best is just identifying the thought and letting my wife know. This help her have trust in me. It makes me feel safe because I can tell my wife anything and then it really disarms any further thought because I have brought it into the light. That is my 2 cents at least.

But one last thing. If your mate is doing this. Hitting over the head isn't going to help. Making them feel bad isn't going to either. Life is hard and everybody fails. And everyone deserves grace and mercy. It is a process. Talking about it is the first step.

[Coriboo23]

I consider really anything cheating. I caught my now ex asking another girl for pictures of her while I was sitting right there. This happened like not even 10 minutes after we got done having sex. he wanted more but from someone else. And then he started hiding shit from me after I found out about the cheating. We ended things a week ago. I gave him a second chance which I should have never done in the first place and that only got me the shitty end of the deal. The way he dumped me was him telling me he has been seeing his ex and wanted to be with her and not me. He played a lot of mind games on me and they all worked. I fell for his charm and I feel like extremely upset with myself but looking back on these past few months with him I wouldn't change dating the guy because it was a good experience but I wish I would have had the heart to break things off with him the first time.

What I am getting at here is it is all about how you feel. I was blinded by my emotions to really see the damage it was causing me. You see how you are feeling now and if it is too much for you then get out. You don't have to have a reason to break up with him other then you need to do what is best for you and your health. You are the number one priority in your life and so is your health.

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to Coriboo23]

Thank you for this, it's made me feel a little less.. Mad. It's so easy to be blinded and not see what's going on right in front of you and so easy to constantly give second chances time after time. I feel like I've gotten myself in a rut and I don't know how to get out.

Thank you

[Coriboo23 in reply to scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

Your very welcome! I totally understand where you are coming from and honestly talking about it helps me as well. I have accepted the fact that my ex only used me for sex. It may have only been a week but like I said before once you choose what is best for you and you have time to open your eyes to what really happened throughout the relationship it really does show you how lined you were the entire time. I have found myself to be happier now that I am single and can focus on myself and my schooling and not have to worry about a guy in my life. You will figure out what you should do for yourself and just know that we are all here for you no matter what!

[Windy101]

If a relationship causes pain, that's a big red flag that there's something wrong, and not with you! These men who haven't done "anything drastic" for a few months or who ask for another woman's picture right after sex with you are not worth your precious time, your thoughts, your dignity, or your affection. There are good men out there who are lonely and would be faithful. I encourage you to recognize your value and wait for a guy who really deserves you and who will bring you happiness, not worry and misery. The men you are talking about may have some really good qualities, but they also sound like they aren't ready for a serious relationship and don't know how to treat a woman. And you deserve better!

[a-lynn]

I've been trying to deal with a similar issue. Years of lying and secrets came out BUT "nothing serious" happened, so that's supposed to make it okay...? For my situation, I am trying to work things out with him; there are a lot of good things about "us" that I'm not ready to give up on. It's indescribably tough, and every day's a challenge. It would be easier to cut and run, but I think he regrets the mistakes he made and wants to change/stop/etc. Though I agree with some of the other views along the line of: don't let someone else be the measure of your worth. If he's not willing to admit fault, he's not worth the time.

I broke down and let it all out to a friend, it was the only way I've come to have any grasp on how I was really feeling... other than angry, overwhelmed and a bit violent. If you have someone to talk to - do it! If you need an ear, send me a message. I'm not online all the time, but sometimes it just feels good to write it all down and shuffle through the mess with someone.

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to a-lynn]

Although it's an awful thing to go through, it's so nice to hear someone understands what I'm going through. He is genuinely such a wonderful guy who I absolutely adore, we have so many good times but all the things that have happened have made me feel insane. I'm paranoid, anxious, jealous, angry and find myself disliking so many people for no reason. I've never been this way and I think that's the hardest part, hating myself all because of what someone else did to me. We talk about it and we are working on things, some days are just worse than others. Thank you so much for your message, it's the same to you too! Thank you.

[a-lynn in reply to scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

Absolutely! Right there with you on all those weird emotions... constantly conflicting thoughts really tire you out. Silly, but make sure you eat/sleep/exercise or you'll feel a lot worse.

Some days are really bad, and others I can say: "hey we're just human, everyone makes mistakes" (and believe it.)

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to a-lynn]

It really is draining, and it makes me feel so guilty because even when he isn't doing anything wrong I feel uneasy or anxious/paranoid. I agree, we will get there eventually I hope.

[a-lynn in reply to scarsbeneathyourbeautiful]

Right?!?! He has given me access to his phone and all his online accounts, but yet somehow *I* feel guilty checking them... and not from anything he says or does.

Tentatively hopeful is where I am right now.

[scarsbeneathyourbeautiful in reply to a-lynn]

I know the feeling!! Yet he doesn't question anything I do. He has been asked out at the weekend and straight away I feel sick, thinking of what could happen.