Not sure what's wrong with me

[Blabla4joy]

They say I have depression. Been going on for a while. Every day is so hard for me. I think I may have PTSD from being abused by me ex husband for 22 years. Mentally and physically he abused me. I finally got the courage to leave him 11 years ago. The hardest thing I ever did. Thought I was doing really good for a few years. But the last 3 years I've really been suffering and only recently am tying it to the abuse. Will be back here tomorrow. Gotta try to sleep. It's 4:30am

[Hidden]

Hi nice to meet you. How awful to suffer abuse for such a long time. It sounds like you didn't deal with it when you first escaped, but instead tried to bury the memories. That's all well and good in the short term but in the longer one those feelings will emerge as you have found out. Now is the time to start putting them to bed, so seek counselling which should help a lot.

There is also a PTSD site on here which might help with that side of things. I wish you the best.

[Blabla4joy in reply to Hidden]

I really don't have much trouble talking about my abuse. I don't get upset. It just seems like sometimes I'm talking about someone else. I am not the same person at all that allowed that to happen. I can't see how I allowed it now when I look back. So much I really don't remember. It feels like I was asleep for twenty years or something. I lost so much time. Time with my family. Both my grandmothers are gone now. Had to get to know my own parents and brothers and sister again. They were so young when I got married. It's like half my life was taken from me. I talk to so many people now and they tell me of all the occupations (different ones) they have done. I look at them like wow. I think to myself how could one person do all that? Where has my life gone? It's like I just sat back for 22 years waiting for a chance to live life while everyone else was living there's. I had no friends and wasn't allowed to work or go anywhere by myself. It's like I've been in prison and was just let out. I have no record so I could do anything I want but just one problem I have no experience. I'm scared to try anything but retail and I'm just a Walmart associate. I have been a dept. manager and a customer service manager since I've been there and I was good but I made a few mistakes caused by my declining memory and lost my position. That's when depression set in. Anxiety before the last two mistakes because of stress. I've been on different meds, I think they are working then I find myself getting worse, they change meds or increase dosage. Simptoms change and I'm so fatigued and has no energy like I once had the first few years of this job. I know I can't do those management jobs anymore because of that so I feel like I'm at the end of my life and can hardly make it. My two boys have their own life and don't want to be in there way. I have a sweet granddaughter who is 3 now growing up too fast. Can't spend time I want to spend with her or my family because of working all kinds of different shifts the collide with theirs, to make my bills just to keep doing nothing with my life. No real vacations or anything. My parents live 3 hours away and with only one day off at a time, never two days in a row I can't see them. I got away from my abusive husband who supported my financially just to be alone and work to survive. No real life

[Antich in reply to Blabla4joy]

You are a miracle that's for sure! I think you have already learned not to give up seeing as you endured so many years of abuse. That's what I would suggest right now, is for you to not give up. And don't sell yourself short young lady!! You will get on top of this and become a manager again! One thing I was thinking about when you described how it seems like you were asleep for 22 year's man I totally relate to that. I think that is our body and mind shutting down to protect us and cope with the trauma and pain and overall living in a state of danger all the time. Before you close your eyes every night I hope you congratulate yourself for saving your life and name something from your day that you are grateful for. You are a success!

[Blabla4joy]

Thank you so much for those words. Success is something I've thought could never be said of me. My dream when I left him was to write a book or books. How God brought me out of it. How we can slip into an abusive relationship before we realize it and become dependent on them. How a person gets control of you without you seeing what's happening. How you think it will get better and how trying to please him so he won't hurt you Only raises his standard of what he wants you to be. It raises his expectations of you. How to recognize the signs of control before he succeeds. How to differ between love and obsession. So much I wanted to do to prevent young girls or guys from falling for that: "if you really love me" line. How much of a lie that is. The signs are always there and people don't know what to look for. I have not been able to do it. I can't focus long enough to get anywhere with that. I've started so so many times, have to stop to sleep or go to work. Then when I came back to it I couldn't get my mind into it. Lost focus, can't remember what was in my mind to write when I couldn't get to paper and pen. Tried for 8 years and finally quit. Even quit writing my dear God journals. Some how I have got to get back to that. Just never get anywhere with it. Sometimes I think God wants me to walk out of Walmart, move with my mom and start going to churches and talk to teens and get that book started. I cannot work and do that too. I can't focus. Praying God will show me. I've prayed for 11 years for that with no answer. I wish he would see I'm totally giving up

[Blabla4joy in reply to Blabla4joy]

I mean I wish he could see that I'm NOT totally giving up

[Hidden]

Be proud of yourself focus on your successes you've got a lot going for you just take things one day at a time and try not to demand too much from yourself you are doing really well stay positive.