Daughter attacked, can not relax even though she is recovering well.

[Stopmycrazy]

Hi, I am Kendra. Abusive childhood, watched my kids like a hawk and my daughter was assaulted anyway. The feeling of helplessness and constant numbness is exhausting. Pretending I am happy for my husband is more and more difficult and for a fun and zippy twist I turn on him...the only person on this planet who has always put me first. Guilt and shame at coping so poorly make me want to crawl into a hole. I could use therapy but we can't even afford our daughter's although she never misses. Hub had a horrible childhood too but unlike me he knew it was not normal and is much more steady. I do not know this person in the mirror who never smiles anymore and is so irritable, which then creates another wave of self loathing. Clean? Why. Cook? Why. And I am a fat nonfoodie. So now the bouncy upbeat person I used to be doesn't exist anymore and I now have social anxieth from being heavy.

Thanks for letting me vent. I welcome any suggestions.