new here, need support for severe social anxiety/depression

new here, need support for severe social anxiety/depression

I have a really hard time meeting people. My best friends are my rats. Lately I've been thinking it's not everyone else, it's me. There's definitely something horrible wrong with me. I will identify that someone thinks I'm clever or some other endearing trait, but when I try to reach out, everyone falls away from me. I get angry at them. "Screw you for not being here for me, I'm never going to talk to you again." I push people away when they aren't as concerned with me as I am with them. Every time I try to go outside now, I feel this crushing weight of all this pressure and all these thoughts telling me I'm just going to get rejected over and over, that any human contact I have will end horribly and I will have even more suicidal idealization than I am now, that I will have a panic attack and need to go to the ER, etc, etc, etc.

I used to have some semblance of self esteem. I recognize that I can be considered pretty if I wear lipstick and eyeliner and smile but it feels like some kind of stupid disguise that people will see through as soon as they talk to me and hear how broken and jaded I am. I don't feel like I can go up to anyone and talk to them anymore. I'm not sure how to meet people and make them like me. Every time I go outside it feels like everyone is just staring at me and thinking bad things about me and I know I shouldn't care, I'm just so LONELY. I can't take it anymore. I try to reach out to people I already have met but they don't have the dedication to invest in me. I can't blame them, I don't think taking care of some depressed person would be very fun.

I used to be a cook. I loved my job. But nobody there noticed me, nobody thought I was important, and when I asked my boss after 6 months for the pay raise he had promised when he had initially hired me. He scoffed at me. "You don't deserve that much. I can't pay you more than $15." I said, yeah, I can make that much at Dick's. He stormed off. The following day, he came in and ASKED ME for my resignation so he didn't have to go through the HR hoops. More proof that nobody believes I am worth anything, time or money, not even when it was promised to me. I took medical leave after my psychiatrist admitted me to the psychiatric ward for the second time this year. Work was the main source of my anxiety, he said. Now I am completely uninspired to find another cooking job, totally unmotivated to do anything but stay at home and watch netflix and draw and eat things occasionally. The only thing that makes me happy anymore is animals. If there were no humans I would honestly have such an easier time in this world.

I need to meet someone who will put up with me. I really don't feel like I am worth anything. I am convinced that nobody wants to talk to me, that nobody cares what I am going through. It doesn't seem like anybody even knows what I'm dealing with. They keep acting like there is some kind of fix, like if I could just do one thing I'd stop being depressed tomorrow. I just want someone to hold me and tell me everything is okay and protect me from everyone else hurting me and to protect ME from hurting me, somebody who won't mind that I'm not a whole person and that maybe they could find me charming in some weird quirky way that would make me feel okay about myself. I just know I can't meet them without going outside, but... I'm so scared.

How do I get up the nerve to walk outside my apartment without feeling like I'm going to be attacked by a black wave?

Will I ever stop feeling like this?

1 Reply

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  • Hi you don't say whether you are on any meds and/or having any counselling? Are you and is it helping?

    A reality check. We all want someone to love and care for us telling us everything is all right but most of us never get it unfortunately. No one is going to come knocking on your door wanting to dedicate their life to you, you have to work on your own self esteem and learn to make true friends. I never leant that either and was very like you in my young days.. I got counselling and taught myself to make friends by watching how people interact (especially the popular well liked people). I saw and learned and eventually I did begin to make friends.

    There is also the reverse side of the coin. If you want people to be there for you then you have to be there for them also. Can you do this? Friendship and love are all about give and take. The only type of people who will be attracted to you at the moment are those who will abuse and take advantage of your desperate need to be loved. Please don't fall into this trap.

    The good news is you can change. I did and so have lots of people. I am aware that you probably don't want to hear this and maybe you aren't in the right place yet, but don't give up hope until you have tried everything to make yourself happier. It will be worth it in the end.

    Oh and one last thing, also a reality check. Out of 100 people you will find 3 who like you, 3 who don't and the rest don't even know you exist. Sad but true. At least you are aware that you can be pretty! I was also fighting a badly acned skin, glasses and being overweight! I would have killed for pretty.

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