Worrying about my son

[megajewel]

Hi there! Just joined this morning. I'm going through a lot of anxiety right now. I'm worried about my adult son who is currently in a mental health facility. I'm on edge waiting to find out what will become of him. I'm about 4 hours away and can't be there to visit him. He calls me from the facility. There's not much more I can do right now but sit and worry! Any suggestions for coping with this?

[Lara4228]

Hi megajewel,

Number one....breathe.

Number two....breathe again

Number three...tell yourself, you have no control over what happens there.

Why is he in the facility? What are his diagnosis? Did he put himself there?

Sometimes facilities are the best place for those who are experiencing an episode. I have never been hospitalized but I have been to a Respite Centre for mental illness. It was a blessing for me. While I wasn't suicidal nor a harm to others, I was on the verge of losing reality. I was there for 3 days. The best 3 days for healing.

You feeling anxious is normal. You must try to keep a regular schedule of eating, exercise and sleep. If you aren't healthy (physically and mentally), then it will not help your situation.

The more you fret, the more your son will be anxious as well. He can pick up on your anxiety and trigger something within himself.

Number one...breathe

Number two...breathe

Number three...self talk yourself to a calmer state.

Please believe me, I've been there. My daughter use to cut herself. I have learned to accept that all I could do was to be there for her and support her through positive and empowerment and not let my worries affect her. I had to role model. That was my job as a parent.

Hugs for you

[megajewel in reply to Lara4228]

Good advice! I know these feelings won't go away overnight - if ever! He cut himself badly although he's changed his story about if it was a suicide attempt or not. He was moved from the hospital to a county psychiatric facility. He is still there for now. He's been in psych facilities four times over the last two years. He's been diagnosed with schizophrenia. He won't take prescribed medication; he continues to medicate himself with street drugs. I can only hope this time will be the last.

[Lara4228 in reply to megajewel]

Well! That story sounds familiar. My ex used to work schizophrenics who lived independently. He was their life skill coach. The stories I would hear from him!

Drugs... yes

No medication...yes

Episodes... yes

Worries and concerned family...yes

In and out of hospital...yes

All you can do, more so now I know more is my number three on the list...accept that you cannot control the situation.

The sooner you accept that, the less anxiety ridden your daily life will be. It is good that he is in a facility. He is safe, medicated, has a roof over his and is given healthy food choices. It really can't get any better than that!

Who is his power of attorney? Who can make decisions for him when is mentally incapable of making them himself? Has this person thought of putting him in an institution until a proper routine and learned behaviours have been established? Does he or will he receive any community outsourcing? Home visits? Socializing outsourcing? Non profit organizations often have these resources and more.

It may be a lot of leg work and/or paperwork and patience on your end, but in the end all will benefit greatly.

One reality I want to point out... street drugs will probably never go away. It has been my experience if they are living on their own or living in an assisted facility (but not a lock down facility) they will always get their hands on what makes this feel good and escape their reality... drugs. That will likely not change if he isn't monitored 24/7. I don't mean to be a downer, but some hard facts have to be laid out.

I hope I have given you some outside help and maybe relief.

But always remember, you have to take care of yourself before you can take of others... regardless of the situation. The more in control of your emotions and mental state, you are, the better help you can be for your son.

Wishing you the best,

Hugs

Lara

[megajewel in reply to Lara4228]

I'm trying to get him to give me Power of Attorney now. I have the papers already. It's been a crazy scramble to keep his affairs in order every time he gets put away. He doesn't have the "executive" skills to figure out how to get plugged in to the mental health system that can help him.

[Lara4228 in reply to megajewel]

How old is he? Can you not file the papers to court to ask them to intercede and honour you as his POA? Given his prior history or admittance and his current mental state, they might override the current legalities of his rights and honour your request for POA.

As for the mental health and social system, he may not be functional or cognitive able to apply for these resources, but perhaps you are or the social worker from the hospital?

I'm from Canada, and I know here, it doesn't have to be the affected individual who reaches out, because often, like your situation, the individual cannot reach out, they lack those skills.

[megajewel in reply to Lara4228]

He is 26. That's a great idea -- I know a family law attorney who may be able to help.

[tomb_raider in reply to Lara4228]

Sorry to butt in on a serious conversation but yooooo same name!

[Abutterfly25 in reply to megajewel]

You might want to talk with a lawyer to have him declared mentally incompetent. That way you can get into a place long term and he can't cut out. You might want to speak with social services for their help, and what routes you can take. Whether it be the state or you that has power of attorney. Sometimes when they are inside the facility the doctor can assist in having him declared mentally incompetent. If you don't have the financial means for a lawyer maybe look into him being a ward of the state. Unfortunately, our country is full of people like your son, and a lot of the time as much as you and others want to help him. You cant force him. I agree with others. That you must take care of yourself first and foremost. If you are unwell you wont be able to help anyone. I sincerely hope you are able to get him to sign those papers. Tell him if he wants you to take care of things for him that he needs to sign the papers. Other than that just be there to let him know he is loved, and a shoulder to cry on. Unless he gets abusive in which case you would need to create very strict boundaries with him. I am so sorry you and your son are having to deal with this stuggle. Maybe reach out to some nationally recognized foundations for schizophrenia, and see if they have an advice or help you can get. I wish nothing but better and brighter futures for you and your son. Take care!

[Gamema]

Yup call the hospital tell them you would like to speak to the Dr who is incharge of that floor.call them tell the Dr.who you are your son give his name.ask how he's doing if he's on meds what are they how long does he think your son is gonna be there? Does he think the meds are helping any? Give him your number and tell him if anything changes to please call you what does the outcome look for your son, hope this might help. Now you have the number so you can call and ck on him.this will ease your mind alot and help you. Good Luck

[megajewel]

I've been in touch with the social worker in charge of him. He did sign a release which allows the doctor (and other team members) to talk directly to me about him. So far, they seem as confused about the source of his problems as I do! He is a very difficult person to deal with. This latest episode started when he had to be taken to the emergency room for trying to sever his penis. He has presented several stories as to why he did that - suicide; practicing surgery on himself, punishing himself. He lost a lot of blood but the wound was able to be repaired.

[Gamema in reply to megajewel]

Are you guys sure he's not on or coming off drugs,or Don't say NO so fast to this! Has he ever been asked if anyone has ever touched him ,made him touch them,or made him watch something in that order,this happens more than we know trust me I lived it for years,let it happen to me as an adult more than once.never say no not my kid!! somebody,a friend could have given him something messed his mind up I'm sorry BLOOD test don't show past problems,im proof of that.maybe he's been made fun of by a woman he cared for,maybe he just don't want to be a man anymore.most people will not tell you the truth is there anyone he really trust that might can pull it out of him. I sure hope you guys can find out soon!!they need to send him home to you so you can care for him if your able.best of luck to you

[Hidden]

Praying for you. I've seen a lot of people at Al Anon groups and DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) groups, free support groups that usually meet weekly, and they help people to be able to live with things that we cannot control. And you have received some great advice from others familiar to the system. As I said, I'm praying for you. And yes, remember to breathe. Take care of youself.

[billyscott]

Hi all,my adult son of 36 years and lives

with us is in throe of a bipolar high at the moment.

it is a very frightening time for him and family on the home and there is no reasoning with him and the mania is quite severe and can be very threatening .He is refusing to see his doctor and a very agitated state and becomes very aggressive if it's suggested he or we seek help for his condition

[Abutterfly25 in reply to billyscott]

You may want to call the ambulance first, so that the police who show up know its a medical emergency. If he is declared a 5150 which means hes a danger to himself or others. They will take him to the hospital/ psych facility where the 5150 will place him on a 72 hour hold. If you and your family are unable to care for him at home anymore due to his outbursts, and you have POA over him. Then tell the hospital before the 72 hours are over that you are unable to care for him, and constantly afraid. You then can work with social services on having him placed somewhere long term. Like a board and care facility where he would be in a house with others like him, and lead a very structured and managed life. This is if he has already been found mentally incompetent. If he receives disability it will go to the place that cares for him. I hope this helps. I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.

[Poodie]

Hi mega.

I am sorry you are going through this. I do know some of what you are going through and it is extremely difficult. You got a lot of good suggestions here and you have lots of things to look into and do.

Isn’t there a long term med for schizophrenia now ? I thought it was once a month maybe by injection. ? Ask. Your son is certainly a danger to himself. He is in no way able to take proper care of himself. He needs to be stabilized first and foremost. This is awful and I totally feel for parents and their kids or anyone going through this.

I would much rather have him confined and safe till he is much, much better, totally off all street drugs, getting his meds, willing to take them, and gets some therapy under his belt and then aftercare and supervision. Street drugs make people crazy. He is certainly not thinking in reality and never can if taking drugs.

I would try to keep him someplace as long as possible. I do not know what kind of help you can afford. He is totally unable to live on his own safely. And you can not watch him all the time, He needs to eventually experience what it is like to live without drugs and he needs some training for a job. That is a long way off. He needs to believe he needs those meds. Without them he will continue to relapse.

Maybe I am unrealistic and too hopeful but I would never say never. I have seen some people pull themselves up from the depths.

If I were you I would go to an alanon group for support.

Your son however is not going to make it on tough love. There are some things you can do and some things you can not control. Being committed may sound bad but this is his life we are talking about.

I would always hope for him and support and help him if you can. He is very ill. Schizophrenia is a terrible disease and without medication, it is hopeless and the street drugs out there are deadly. Anybody who tries to cut off his penis is psychotic and psychotic people should not be on the street. He could have bod to death. We need much much better mental health care for these patients. It depends on money too much now.

Keep posting. I will follow you to hear how it is going. Of course you can only do so much so do what you can and always take good care of yourself. If you believe in God, he gave you a very tough job. I am sorry you are going through this. ❤️ Best wishes for your son.

[Abutterfly25]

Hi, and welcome. I am sorry to hear about your son. I know you said your son is an adult, but have you been able to speak with his Dr.? If you haven't because he is an adult. Talk with your son to see if he can put you down as someone who they can speak with. Maybe finding out his diagnosis, and how the Dr sees the situation may help ease your anxiety. I know it must be frustrating, but even if COVID wasn't happening you would be able to see him for awhile. If he is having mental health issues he is in the safest place he could possibly. People of all kinds go there when they are too stressed or drained from work, etc. They go on to lead successful lives. It is so fortunate that he ended up in a facility rather than jail, which they tend to do with people who have long term mental illness. I have worked, and been a temporary guest for 12 hours until I was discharged, so I know both sides. Its not fun, but it gives him a chance to deal with issues that lead him there. 2020 was a really stressful year, and I think many more people than usual are going to need help. Just talk with your son when he calls, and let him know how much you love him. Thats the best support you can give him without talking to the doctor. If you are able to talk with the doctor helping set up plans for your son with the doctor for after he gets out will help take the stress off your son. Just be as supportive as you can. It will help him to achieve the best outcome. I wish you and your son the best! Sending nothing but love your way!