Now my cancer is now under control, my wife no longer wants to be with me.

[Doseydoe]

I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer, bladder and pelvis in late 2019. I went straight on Casodex and 2 years of Eligard shots. 9 rounds of Docetaxel, kidney stents and VMAT radiation therapy. Following my last PET scan, no new growth was evident and my PSA has been under 1.0 for the last 18 months. Unfortunately my wife no longer feels I need caring for and made it clear that we should separate. This is a sad predictimate I find myself in as we go through the machinations of splitting our assets and living separately. Fellow warriors, please give your carers as much love and reassurance as you can as facing a future without them is not good, DD 😎

[treedown]

Sorry to hear this and I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I hope with this door closing a window opens for you soon.

[Derf4223]

Its a tough hit to take. I hope you can continue/start exercising, worshipping, and taking care of yourself. Many have taken up pickleball -- you'll make new friends, etc. The best revenge on a departed spouse is to recover from the divorce, shape up, make exciting new friends, ... Look for the opened door(s).

[Mike1971]

Sorry, that must be so aweful to go through.

The situation we are in are in many ways inhumane and impossible to really describe to other people. The situation is cruel and the treatements often even worse.

On the other side, I cannot even imagine how I could cope if my wife was in this situation - in many ways that would be even worse.

[Carlosbach]

Man, when life sucks, it can suck petty badly. From your post I hear that this must be a time of distress, anguish and fear. I hope you can find the motivation to reach out for the emotional support you need at this time.

You best believe I'm following your advice and treating my wife (and future caregiver) the best I can. But even with that, there are no guarantees. I think being a full-time caregiver has to be one of the most challenging roles any of us can take on.

Not much in the way of advice to give you other than it may be time to Allemande Left (turn halfway around to the left, let go, and step forward).

[JWPMP]

If you don't mind me asking (no need to answer if uncomfortable), how long have you been married? I'm heavily sorry to hear this.

[Doseydoe in reply to JWPMP]

23 years

[Startech]

Been there, done that. It's a gut punch for sure and I know it doesn't help to hear others like me have been there. But know that there is life afterwards. A different life, probably even better. It's never too late. You can change your life. You have to. After a while, you will realize that you are on a journey in life and different isn't bad. Just different and you can make it better. Take charge.

[GSDF]

My heart aches for you brother. Your post further makes me wonder who is hit harder by this disease, us men or our Loving wives/SOs...

To be honest, my biggest worry through this entire battle is not for me but for my dear wife, who as beautiful as she is, can no longer have sex with her husband... it's easy for me because the desire is gone due to the testosterone shut-down, but she's still attractive and basically deprived of her natural desire for sex with her husband...What a travesty that has got to be for any woman...

I make it a point to at least tell her often of how horrible I feel that such a beautiful creature as she, is right next to me in bed yet I can't even get mildly hard... Sometimes I cry in her arms telling her how sorry I am and wouldn't blame her if she left me or found some back door old man ...

Being open to her about my deep feelings about HER loss really makes a difference because she tells me how much better she feels after we openly discuss it. We are still intimate and those times are so sacred to me because I can still feel her, smell her and kiss her all over but now in a much more different yet meaningful way if that makes any sense, because the sexual lusty aspect for me is gone, leaving only what I now realize is my true underlying Love for her...

I guess what I'm trying to say here is we are the ones who are sick, but I think our wives/SOs go through worse sometimes than we do because they've experienced a huge loss as their desires are still there... It's easy for us to abstain because we have no desire... Perhaps many of us don't think so much of how this disease affects our wives...

So I'm not saying in any way that perhaps your wife had good cause to leave, because if the underlying Love was really there, she wouldn't have... but she did, so in that case, what did you really have? I'd say that you're likely better off in a lot of ways without her and I believe someday you'll fill her void with someone better...

I hope things get better for you in all aspects brother...In my life, almost every loss I've ever encountered, in time, it was replaced by something/someone better... God bless !... 🙏💚

[Doseydoe in reply to GSDF]

Thanks for your heart felt comments, much appreciated, DD 😎

[Sisira in reply to GSDF]

Excellent reply so empathic and meaningful 👏 Appreciate brother !

Sisira

[Professorgary in reply to GSDF]

Thank you for your post. What you just described is exactly why some of us refuse treatment. I was diagnosed at 50 years of age in 2000. Gleason 3+3 6 and confine,d to the gland. My wife and I just celebrated 55 years of marriage and until Covid hit me in 2020 we had sex 3 or more times a week. I am now 73 and my Psa peaked last May at 5664 which is the first time I allowed any treatment of any kind. In all honesty I was fully prepared to have surgery until I asked about radiation and my doctor said they wanted to save that for second time around because even with my prostate removed it was a 35% chance it would be back. I will tell you that I thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ daily that I am the one with cancer and not her.

[GSDF in reply to Professorgary]

Wow!... What a unique testimony... Amen brother... 🙏✝️🔯💚

[Tommyj2 in reply to Professorgary]

A unique story indeed…..Gleason 6 for 23 years with a psa now of 5664…..feel I’m missing something?

[Professorgary in reply to Tommyj2]

Gleason 3+3 in 2000 and also second biopsy in 2002. The second biopsy showed tumor was gone but still a few cells both sides. In 2020 I had a severe bout with Covid and psadt went from years to ten weeks. No symptoms until spring of 2021 when Psa hit 321. The following spring the Psa was 5664 with compression fractures on two lumbar vertebrae and excruciating pain. Now if you think this a unique story, my urologist told me of a patient who came to him with back and pelvis pain and a Psa of over 7000. Got a 3 mo. Lupron injection and Psa dropped to 4. 3 months later it was one. The guy never came back for several years until he got hip pain. Psa was still low. Needed and got a hip replacement and still farming. Doc says he is one in a thousand.

[gsun in reply to GSDF]

Sex is not only in the body but in the mind. I can't have sex with my wife in the traditional way (i.e. roll over and start!) but there are ways. I use a pump and rings and we do just fine. I enjoy it a lot even though my orgasm days are over. And she is more than satisfied. Don't give up!

[Lettuce231]

How sad, I'm really genuinely very sorry for you, I would be gutted and question what is love all about, surely this kind of situation with one's spouse is exactly the measure of love, its not just physical.

[Gs-rider]

This is my first comment here. The subject and your post and situation, Doseydoe, goes straight into my heart. I feel with you, and if I could, I would walk with you until you are steady again. It is not easy, but you have been throu tough times before, and you will come throu also this. You communicate, you are staying active (the muscles man!) and you will be fine.

[Parlorman]

Cancer affects families and friends as well us those of us battling the disease.

Last year, my wife of 22 years announce she wanted a divorce three weeks before I was due to start 38 rounds of radiation. I’d already had open RP and was six months into two years of Lupron ADT.

It was an opportunity to heal myself both physically and mentally. Truly a blessing in disguise.

I hope you take care of yourself brother.

[PSAed in reply to Parlorman]

"Truly a blessing in disguise." - Comment of the year! Well done and best wishes.

[Bodysculpture]

Sad news However we must give her credit for seeing you through those trying times

Heaven knows the strain pur wives go through

Knowing she will have to go through it again in the future she may be reluctant

The good news is you've got years to pursue other options

Love doesn't stop when our loved ones leave

It opens up a whole new episode in your life

[Baldylocks in reply to Bodysculpture]

Hear, hear, I can testify to a whole new world. What changes that have occurred for me after my lady left aren’t typical or for every guys taste but has sure anchored me to how real love feels. How caring and being really cared for feels and all that has come in the body of a guy whose happened to be a lifelong friend all along. All the judgements by man are worthless against such a friendship. Any shade doled out is just shame on the caster. What I have to echo with you is be thankful for your remaining life to live.

[Helmit]

Yeah, and some guys wish that they would leave. Cheer up, your health is #1 now. The rest will fill in later.

[dadzone43]

sorry for the news. certainly not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver for a deadly disease.

[dadzone43]

in sickness and in health...vows do not mean much anymore, whether made by partners or politicians

[Dannyboy48]

Love is lovelier the second time around . I got dumped after 30 yrs . It cost me a bunch of dollars but serenity is priceless.I’m so much better without her. She gave me 3 wonderful children that are still at my side. I also have a wonderful second life. Who I call my guardian angel. never give up as a previous post said .when one door closes another one opens. Keep on pumping, put on a big old smile, and do the best you can to be happy. Stress doesn’t help your immune system, so in a way , I’m glad she walked out. Maybe 30 years of stress with her compromised my immune system, which has led to some of my health problems.😂😂😂not sure if that’s correct I’m not a doctor, but that’s my story and I’m sticking to it

You take care, brother, better days are ahead🙏🙏🙏

[hopeful1956]

I'm sorry to hear this. Not everyone is cut out to be a care giver. Take good care of yourself and keep busy. Wishing you all the best.

[Professorgary]

I am so sorry to hear of what you are having to bear while at the same time fighting this awful disease. It just breaks my heart because I know what it feels like to separate from the woman you love. It happened to me in 1993 and lasted 20 months. We worked it out but many don’t. Prayers for you my friend. God Bless.

[j-o-h-n]

So your wife wants to break up........ as the saying goes....... "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth"..........

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Wednesday 09/13/2023 1:24 PM DST

[Ian996]

when we married we took an oath ... richer or poorer in sickness and in health she broke her oath Move on quickly as you can don't waste time looking back We have stage 4 and it doesnt get cured as far as I know slowed down is the best we can hope for. So make a plan and live your life this may sound cold but she has revealed her true self Adios

[Papillon2]

Your life is about to change, for the better! So, you are going to have to change your mindset First off give your wife credit for staying as long as she did. She could have left while you were very ill. But she did not. That is commendable of her. May God bless her. She is being honest with you. Give her a credit for that. Now, keep things in prospective. She may be leaving you, but she is not leaving the planet. I guarantee you that you will still see or hear from her from time to time, especially if you have kids. You are about to enter the phase of your life where you will find out that you do not need a woman in your life to be happy. It is like being a kid (before puberty) again. And as they say, " the world is your oyster!" If it was me, I would do everything I could to make it a smooth transition. In that way, if things go south, it is not your fault. You will never get ahead while holding someone else back. Let her go! If she stays, she may be miserable, which in turn may make you miserable. I have been married for over 50 years. I Love my wife. dearly. But, if my wife left me today or tomorrow, my only concern would be her wellbeing. That is to say, that she is happy, safe and got plenty of money, so she could leave me alone. Then, I would travel the world and work on my bucket list. Someone has well said, "emotional pain lasts only 20 minutes, the rest is all self-inflicted." Stop beating yourself up, keep things in prospective and enjoy the rest of your life. --Papillon

[Jordache]

That is very sad and I’m sorry you must go thru that at such a difficult time. My partner of 22 years left me 4 months ago after my treatment and still be intimate until the night before. It’s about 3 years since diagnosed and treated. Partner said and I quote “I want to leave you before you had cancer” Gee Wiz. Now PSA rising and a biopsy on Monday. I feel your pain!

[SilverSeppi]

Wow that sucks but remember everything happens for a reason...hang in there you will be OK

[Baldylocks]

How are you feeling about her departure regardless of the stuff?

[Doseydoe in reply to Baldylocks]

I'm feeling very sad but ok. When I was diagnosed I got told to get my affairs in order as it was likely I would die within a next year. So I did and put everything in her name etc. But, I didn't die and responded well to treatment. Now she laments that because I got better, she is unsure what to do. So she made life very uncomfortable for me at home and encouraged me leave, now I live in a RV and wait for the lawyers to decide my financial position. So, I'm not feeling too good about life, thanks for asking, DD 😎.

[Nfler in reply to Doseydoe]

Hang in there bud, so sorry to hear it sounds like she was not there until death do you apart in keeping her vows. The great news 🗞️ is that you outlasted that one year diagnosis n now it’s time to start thinking about yourself n enjoying life. See what the lawyers say n unfortunately just move on n do the things that you like doing. Like the one statement above, pre puberty n be a kid again with no worries…😁

[Baldylocks in reply to Doseydoe]

Life is way more valuable than one female and definitely more than stuff if you can separate your value from it all. Do you have kids? Do you have friends?

[Baldylocks in reply to Doseydoe]

…and one more big one, are you thankful to still be alive despite what your doctors predicted?

[dmt1121]

Very sorry to hear that. It may be that your wife never learned how to renew herself during your treatments and care. She obviously cares for you or would have left before now.

Maybe treading lightly and considering how your relationship was before your disease and how you got along during your care will shed some light. Some self-reflection may help you figure out whether it is all her or more than that. You may be able to restablish a relationship with her or perhaps not, but focusing on understanding it may take away some of the feeling of betrayal or shock.

I hope you find your new path. All change, even one such as this also includes opportunties for soemthing better.

Good luck!