Every once in a while (24/7) my brain takes a dive into black humor. I know this type of humor isn’t for everyone, but hopefully the rest of you will find a chuckle or two to brighten the day.
Even More Handy APC Euphemisms
for Patients and Their Families
1. Wee Willie, Shorty or Rip VanWinkie
– These are all nicknames for penis’s that can no longer be called swinging dicks, anacondas, big bratwursts or shlongs
o “Sorry I dribbled piss all over the floor, Wee Willie was extra horizontally challenged this morning”
2. Norman Batesing
– Volatile changes in temperament due to ADT
o “Look out! Dad’s Norman Batesing!" (having big mood swings again)
3. Clean up on Aisle 5
– Public incontinence
o “Honey, I need your help with clean up on aisle 5”
o What he’s really saying is, "ARRRGGH! As soon as I felt the urge to pee, my leg felt wet and now I’m trying to hide the evidence.”
4. Raquel Welch’s
– Man Boobs
o I started out with little mounds, but it is getting harder to disguise my new Raquel Welch’s
5. Go Juice
– Trimix or alprostadil.
o I’m heading to the pharmacy to pick up my new bottle of Go Juice - wink, wink
o May in some cases also be used to refer any of the following: oysters, ginseng, yohimbine, or a 1976 Farrah Fawcett poster
6. Grape nuts
– Slang for balls emaciated by ADT.
o Alternatively, “Ghost balls refers to the absence of testicles following castration surgery
7. Harshing my mellow
– Suffering from scanziety
o Waiting for the results from my scans is really harshing my mellow
8. Date With a Vampire
– Going to the lab so they can draw more blood
o Honey, I’d love to watch more of the Voice with you, but I can’t, I’ve got a date with a vampire
9. Daddy’s Little Helpers
– Ativan, gummies, shrooms, booze, Zoloft...
o Self-explanitory. May also be referred to as Grandpa’s Little Helpers
10. Asshole
– Anyone who reminds me that I’m fortunate that I have prostate cancer instead of a more deadly cancer.
o Them - “Isn’t that one of the best cancers to get?”
o Me - “Why don’t you sign up for it then, Asshole!”
Written by
Carlosbach
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hysterical….. “ harshing my mellow “ is one I’ve never heard before… really funny . Kewl post buddy .. still laughing ( and thinking of how I can pirate your material ) yayahahahaya yayahahahaya.
I think my mellow is mellow yellow, with saffron and fourteen ….
Pretty much “ all “ my comfort comes from with-in , cept for some from that quart of Southern Comfort
Hummmmm …. Well maybe a xxl jock strap would be barely ( pun ) adequate…. a thong ,……. I’d be totally naked
Uh dunno … I’d always be the black leather, supple knee length 6” stiletto heel boot , fishnet stockings and that shiny, ultra supple , black 10’ coachwhip with 7 tassels on the end , each knotted three times…… type …
Whatever that stuff is , I have no idea what we’re talk’in about. This isn’t even me typing …. Yayahahahaya yayahahahaya
maybe if I hide under a car or use my Harry Potter cloak of invisibility . The garage has network 4K cameras it …. No hiding in there. Maybe throw a rag over the camera …. Yayahahahaya.
There is a plan tho … let her get couch locked and “ then “ eat a gram myself. That works every time. Yayahahahaya yayahahahaya
omg … hang on a minute , hang on there … I wanna get my popcorn and a beverage and comfortable seat before this feature starts … got my phone recorder going too. Woooohooooo ….
frank-n- furter ( Tim curry ) was an extremely talented actor and showman … way above most others , his role as frank-n- furter was a classic of all time. I only wish I had a crumb of that talent. I surely have watched them dozens of times , standing in line to get in nights on Hollywood Boulevard , and dozens on video since.
I have the same thing with Wild Turkey … turkey makes me dry heave when I smell it ( it’s a long story ) and I don’t drink whiskey, still today, because of it. Yuck …
on the Hollywood bvld theater, everyone came dressed as a character. if you didn’t have a character outfit, the theater workers came out , before the midnight show, and passed out top hats , zoro masks, capes, foxtails mesh for your legs if you were in a dress ( gals or guys ) etc. … all crepe paper etc. the fox tail looked kewl in line but didn’t work inside in a seat. Same with the cape but less so. People spent more time in the aisles and on stage than in their seats. Shows were rather ruckus and many people passed out or tripping in the medical office .( they were let loose after they sobered up ). I always got the top hat and zoro mask and sometimes the cape. So many rowdy stoners and drinkers … it was super loud and great fun. In downtown L.A. , in those days, the bars only took a two hour break about sunrise , so the partiers usually moved to the closest bars you could walk to easily. I needed a couple weeks to “ get well “ after one of those shows.
Don't forget the BIC lighters. "Theres a light..." We used melba toast. And when she sang "touch me, touch me" several people would go up on the stage and grope her boobs on the screen.
Oh yeah, forgot about that!! And Yelling "lips" at the Start of the movie, "asshole" for Brad, "kick it" when he checks the tire, What's for dinner "Meatloaf" "Slut" for Janet.
don’t remember lighters but might have been some … but I did see various “ fondling the screen “ from the stage too. Those giant inflated body parts were common. Times were different back then … it was all kinda fresh and new and not jaded back then. Oh well . ❤️❤️❤️
woooooow mannnnn ….. I might have heard that but it prolly flew right past me … that’s the problem with couchlock yayahahahaya. Too busy thinking about food and looking for those foster grants stuck on the top of your head. Just say’in. 😂😂😂
No more “watering the elephant,” or “playin hide the banana” but there are memories of those days gone by. Used to be known as the “Rampart penis of the north,” or “hot cock from the east” “swinging wiener from the south” or “ramblin bones from out west” now just the tired old one-eyed trouser snake with his shrunken bb balls. My frat brothers are mostly dead and gone now but I smile when I remember them.
Re: #10, I' reminded of an incident shortly after I had my primary therapy that included ADT. My sex life is over, my wife has become my roommate, getting ready to move out, and I feel like shit, crying like a small child several hours each day.
At an industry trade show, a woman told me that PCa was probably not going to kill me. I was so new to whole concept that I reacted without thinking about it, "Oh, it doesn't END your life. It RUINS your life."
I quit ADT when I came very close I was to blowing my brains out. And, in the nine intervening years, I've gotten used to all of this; I feel pretty good.
har har har - great stuff - If I couldn't laugh at the insanity of this disease and the insanity of my life - I am sure I would be hiding in the corner of a dark room crying - but mostly I am out there bashing my way through life - laughing inappropriately and doing my best to live thinking - sometimes saying :" Fuck you Mr Cancer " hope those are some of my final words - also " I love you baby " to my partner.
I especially like #10. One of the reasons I rarely tell people that I have PC is I don't want to "disappoint" them by inferring that I "only" have PC, like it's similar to catching a cold or spraining an ankle. Suggesting that PC is a "good" cancer to get is like saying someone is a little bit pregnant........it's disingenuous at best. Tell it to the wives, children, and other loved ones who have lost someone to PC. Somehow when I was first diagnosed with PC it never occurred to me to throw a big "It's only PC!" party to celebrate. 🦊
I agree. Once word got out that my cancer was "only" pc, I was inundated by people who meant well telling me how fortunate I was. All that after the doc told me to expect an 18 - 24 month life expectancy
I was told that if I was lucky, I would live long enough to die of a heart attack. IDK about that but I am now 6 years in, mets on ribs, shoulders and currently .04 PSA on Zytiga + prednisone. There are twists and turns, hang in for the next method to extend life.
My wife is now about 8 months into endo cancer, Has a bag, now was told just this weekend it MAY involve a kidney. My great grandson was delivered dead the same day, and if feels like a good day to end it all. I have never been more down. This humor helps, but the hits just keep on coming. Tomorrow will be better I hope. Hang on brothers, in my experience don't forget the Highs, CELEBRATE WHEN YOU CAN, Party on
Up, Down, Cyclotron around. The meds F with your moods. The cancer F's with your idea of life, and Life itself is always F'd, except for when it is glorious. I'm working to dwell on the glorious.
Shit brother. Humor only lightens a mood, but it doesn't begin to touch what you are experiencing.
I agree with your last line, CELEBRATE WHEN YOU CAN. Two and a half years ago when i got the news that I would be dead in two year (or less), I got slammed with three big hitters within two weeks of each other. I was beyond devastated. The only thing that got me through was the strength I had gained in the previous months of good times. Right now, the only one of the three issues that has been resolved is that my son is no longer in jail. The others still f'ing suck big time. At times they are all I can see.
For now, all I can tell you is that you are there for your wife, your dead grandson's family, and that is a reason to keep being there going forward. Your continued existence helps them.
At this point my nighttime meds are closing my eyelids, but PM me if you need to talk more tomorrow. My meager jokes can't patch the deep pain you and your family are experiencing, but I can be there online to listen and support you.
Thanks Carlos, things are brighter today. My daughter in law told me that it was a relief, she knew something was wrong all along. I am devastated, they are sad but okay. Wife says LETS GO LIVE LIFE, told her surgeons one more test and we are gone. She wants to sell the house, get a truck and a 5th wheel trailer and boogie till our pants fall down. Who knows what comes next, or if we will do it, but the idea has us busy planning, cleaning and setting up a garage sale for the 3 day weekend coming up ... Presidents day or something.
Glad to hear that the today is a little brighter. My experience has been that this journey puts a roller coaster to shame. Big highs (you're in remission), and big lows (the CT scan detected new suspicious nodules). I'm all for turning loose of the safety bar, put your hands in the air, and scream on the big drops. RVing might be a good option. After my diagnosis I bought a small tow behind so that I could still see friends and family during the pandemic. In two years it has paid for itself in great experiences. Best to you and your family
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