I haven't seen this topic addressed here, so here goes.
I haven't had a girlfriend since just before I was diagnosed with stage 4 PCa, G (4+4), one bone met early last year. After 37 EBRT, LD brachytherapy then 10 follow-up EBRT sessions for pelvic lymph nodes early this year, (Precautionary, no mets suspected there) my T and PSA levels have been undetectable for several months. All scans are clean. It's possible the suspected met on my hip was not a met. I have confirmed arthritis in that area too, so it's possible my staging is actually 2c. I won't have more info on that until I have T and PSA levels over the next months or years. RO told me I could stop Casodex and forego my 3-month Trelstar shot, due next week. I'll stay on Avodart for now. I'm 68. My SEs from ADT have been moderately severe....looking forward to getting relief there.
Coping with this without a partner has been not great. Family and friends have been supportive, but I'll admit to feeling pretty lonely. I have lots of interests, but I really miss sharing my life with someone special. I might live longer and better/happier, too.
I've dismissed the idea out of hand, thinking how unfair it might be to a potential life partner to consider being in a relationship with someone whose condition could become life threatening......and expensive...at any time, and whose life expectancy is statistically likely to be poor, and potentially very stressful/burdensome to a partner. I would expect to pay all of my own medical and related expenses, but I expect my financial and other stresses would impact her significantly.
Would I enter a relationship with a breast cancer patient? I don't think so; not in my situation. I am still the main support for my 97 year old mother, and I sometimes just don't have the resources to help her or myself. That should improve, post ADT, but what about in the future? One major illness's challenges in a relationship may be doable. Two?
I'd welcome any thoughts or experiences folks here may wish to share.
Thanks.
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yamobedeh
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Why not find a partner? You do not have an expiration date from your doctor. Just be honest with anyone where the relationship develops into a serious one.
You can still LIVE with cancer. You do not have to let the cancer stop you from living.
In my lifetime experience, I had to turn off the TV, or get my nose out of my solitary indoor activities, and intentionally get out into the world to meet potential new friends and partners. If there are matches to what you already find interesting, or have some enjoyment in life about, so much the better.
(I am 70 now. My wife and I met 33 years ago at an Erotic Art Show at a local gallery. She was one of the talented artists, and I was a fascinated attendee. Ha. Ha.)
The more that your elderly Mother's and your own Estate Planning and other "details" can be organized and documented - ahead of time - the less that those factors may impact any new relationships you might want to pursue and share with new friends and/or a potential very close friend or a special partner. Kind of like taking some of the "burden" of those things off the budding relationship(s) because they will have largely been handled and taken off the table well ahead of the time of need.
Here's just one of several organizing tools that might help in this regard, and stimulate ideas for action, for both your Mother, and yourself. The Table of Contents is fairly extensive.
(Not a specific endorsement. There are others that can be found on-line.)
Thanks. I do need to get out and socialize more. That was not so easy or fun while ADT SEs were at max, but soon, that should subside. RE: estate planning, already done.
Do what makes you happy, the clock is ticking ever so slowly.
One activity that makes me happy is playing music professionally. I've done that for 50 years, in amongst social work and teaching and working in electronics. ADT fatigue only caused me problems once on stage about 6 months ago, and on another show, I had to pee urgently twice during 2 different sets. The other guys covered, and no one was upset. All good.
Are you kidding me? You're a single guy and you're contemplating spending your remaining years with another cancer patient your age? If I was in your shoes, I'd use a service to arrange for a lady in her mid to late thirties without any baggage from perhaps the Philippines and make her my life partner. I know a guy that did exactly that and their relationship has probably added twenty years to his life. He's retired and living on his pension and she works full time at a local fast food restaurant and together they make each others dreams come true.
Oh, and Kenny Rogers just chimed in with a warning to watch out for any ladies named Ruby, whatever that means.
Hey IT-C, what great advice. Although my last gf was Philipina, she wasn't life partner material. Having been there, I wouldn't hesitate to have a proper relationship with another. (This from a guy who recommends that very type of service to other folks looking for mates. Plumber's house, I guess.)
I would be completely open and honest and let the chips fall where they may. If you’re in the US you’ll have no problem with medical expenses on Medicare.
Thanks for the advice. I would absolutely be up front about my situation. I'm Canadian, so, although we have a "universal" health care system, PCa treatment and follow-up resources are by no means complete. I sought and got excellent treatment in the US because of that, but there are centers here I hope to access which do provide better services....it's very political.
Look, prostate cancer is not contagious. If she's any kind of girl, this won't bother her. Just be totally up front and you won't have to spend time with the ones which won't be of help. You don't have an expiration date. Get out there and live!
Have a good friend that dimensia,he has been for several years, he was in his early stages when he lost a wife, went on a cruise and met a wonderful lady that had lost a husband from that monster. Long story but they are very happy together,she takes great care of him and they live life to the fullest even knowing the end is near. Go shopping you might be surprised how many ladies out there that would share your life and take care of you. Fight the good Fight
Hi Yamobedeh, I got Pca diagnosis Gleason 9+9 in 2009, and my last GF was in 2006, I was 59, and she was 57, and unfortunately, over a period of 10 weeks when I tried to make a relationship, I found she suffered onset of her menopause at 32, was dyslexic, bad tempered, and didn't pay her share of a restaurant bill. She suffered terrible vaginitis which prevented any penetration, but she got some estrogen cream which got her working, but the sex was not very good because she was mentally a lot older than 57 because of having had no female hormones for 20+ years. She suffered bad depressions, and after the 10 weeks I just lost interest, and tried to say bye-bye as gently as I could, but it made her angry, and she had zero idea about friendship.
I took up cycling in 2006, and have cycled 130,000 km since 2006, and I think that riding 50k in a couple of hours is more pleasurable than riding a cantakerous woman for a few hours. Since my treatment began in 2010 with ADT and RT, all sexual ability I had has now been fully exterminated. The only way I could "fix a lady up" is by oral sex or other "hands-on" massage. I'm 71, still active despite the Pca, but I never ever meet any women on their own who want a man; the ladies have all gone dry by 55, and the idea of a GF, partner, wife et all is a ridiculous idea for me. Its all far too mjuch trouble and effort for almost zero pleasure at all.
My Pca probably began in 2004, but I had a low Psa for the amount of tumour size, so after diagnosis the docs found they could not operate and I had RT and ADT instead. The mets I have now may have ALL started back in 2008-9 but they have been slow growing. Whenever any man says he has only one bone met, or has no mets, I can only think that he does not know all he could know about his mets because there can be very many with such a small size that the CT scans cannot see them.
Best type of scan I had was PsMa Gallium 68 PET+CT, and this can see Pca mets maybe 2 years before any simple CT scan can show.
When bone mets begin to show up in ordinary CT scan, usually Psa is >10, and most men are dead within 5 years if nothing is done, and I started chemo last month, and I doubt it will work for my bone mets, and I will need to have Lu177 and maybe Ra223 if the docs think it may work to give me more time alive. Nobody can ever expect remission from Pca unless you have had 5 years with Psa at < 0.01, basically undetectable, and with no other treatment going on.
I know a couple of married men whose wives are very supportive, loving, caring as their man slowly secumbs to the Pca. But if you have no wife, and I sure don't, and you are over 60, then I think it is a waste of time to try to find one. I have learnt to live without women in my life since 1978 when I was 29, and a wife of 23 I had then just vamoosed without saying where or why she left. I expected all women after than time to answer the question "how good are you?" before getting serious at all.
I found I could be a good person and a good builder who made other ppl happy with my work and I just never ever felt or thought I needed a woman. I wanted a woman, sure, but all I met when young could never settle down to be a builder's wife.
Thanks for your in-depth response and a few good laughs. I think I share your experience with my most recent gf just being gone....no preamble, no pretext at friendship. I have restarted my cycling, and have decided to get a proper bike for my needs. I have a Miele Tivoli, 80s road bike, but looking for a bike which has a decent compromise between the lightness, handling and speed of the Miele and a little less road-oriented with more comfort and good durability. Somewhere between a light touring and a trekker. I do enjoy riding, and I recently resumed weight training to offset the horrible SEs of ADT. If my sex life comes back, I hear there is quite a market for studs on the gigolo cruise scene......
I have Cannondale Synapse from 2010, I got it second hand from a friend who gave up his cycling at 70. I have 3 other olduns.
I'm doing 100km a week, with chemo and down from 220km a week before chemo, but I am spending more time in shed doing craft work.
Women were evolved by nature to cease interest in men and sex at 45 so grandchildren get better looked after.
Dancing? what a joke. Who with? someone else's wife?
Nah, not for me. I used to dance at 30-40, when women wanted sex more than us men, and then I found many women I met had 2-3 guys they were rooting, I was No 3, and they were cramming cock in like there was no tommorrow following their divorce, and when I found out they went out with other blokes I dropped the bitches like a hot stone; they were good for nothing.
I never ever went to a brothel. If I had have gone, you might have rotted the shiela just before I got there, and I could never ever have any desire for any shiela unless she was faithful.
At 50 my knees gave me so much trouble I had to give up building work and change to electronics, anothwer reason dancing and long walks along beaches was impossible, so I could not be romantic if I tried, and I never had the money and idiotic lifestyle so many selfish women wanted me to have, ie, to fund their imaginations.
Groucho Marx once said he preferred masturbation because that was when he met the best class of women
The silliest thing to see is a 70+yo guy driving down the road in a Lamborgini with a 30yo blonde.
I only tried it once in 1980s well before the Inernet became mainstream and well before the Internet became filled up with dating sites full of fake women.
In about 1985, I wrote to a "woman" in Philipines who had advertised in local paper. After 3 letters, I sent $10 so she coud phone me up to talk to me. I never heard from "her" again, and then it clicked in my mind that mail order brides were often scammers after ya munny, and to get a brown skin bride, ( quite possibly far better than a white skin bride that I had already tried ) you had to travel to Phillipnes to find one, meet her family, make sure she ain't a prositute, and does not have 4 kids already. Later when the Internet became mainstream, a huge number of shielas thought is a way to get wedding bells ringing and an even greater numbwer of blokes thought it a good way to get a root, so the internet allowed the age old wants of both sexes to be sort of fullfilled, if ppl concerned were willing to to make huge compromises and change themselves to suit the partner. The bloke must learn not to fart in bed. The shiela must learn to boil an egg without burning the house down,etc, etc, etc.
But later on I spent about 3 years total at a couple of sites renowned to have ppl who wanted to marry, but of course that was not how it was, there was every kind of nut-case and desperado shiela with 3 kids and trying to lie about herself, hide the fact she was alcoholic, lie about her age, religion, etc........ I looked at hundreds of profiles, most looked like they were written by same person. Maybe they were. I wanted to meet ONLY someone within 20km of where I lived in a city of 400,000, and the maths indicated there should have been a dozen ladies over 40 looking for a bloke not to much over 50, which I was once. No such luck. But the women often wanted younger men, and those men wanted younger women who in turn wanted younger men so in fact NOBODY REALLY wanted anyone who was actually really available. At age 55, not one woman under 65 sent me a kiss message. I ended up making a short list, and paid to send 7 emails, $5 each, with a polite "hello, etc,etc, and here is my phone number" Not one replied, even though first time repliers could have the first email for free, and these all were supposedly local women.
The dating websites are really only for ppl under 30 who are entirely propelled by prospects of getting sex, NOTHING ELSE.
Anyway, I found that the vast majority of ordinary ppl are liers, cheats, fraudsters when given the opportunity to seek love anonomously. Not one person was prepared to prove they were being honest or good.
In all dating sites, and all profiles, the word love was nowhere to be seen.
In 2005, the vast majority of data traffic online was bums and tits going past in porno movies plus truckloads of spam.
Human nature has not changed and it is natural for many ppl to lie and deceive and its been that way since our brains got both wise and foolish, and nothing has changed since someone lied to us that a snake offered an apple to Eve, and Adam took a bite, and forver afterwards we became doomed creatures.
Such is the bullshit that the bible has, mostly written by ppl who today would be described as schizophrenic, plus bipolar plus asbergers and a few tother "sindromes".
Later on, it became fashionable for blokes to go to Thailand for a bride. The women there are a bit more beautiful than the Filipino girls. A sexier commodity. But in my 50s I saw and met a few Filipino brides of about 45 who had married a man of 55 from Oz, someone who had such a huge personality deficit than no sane oz white woman would touch him. So he gets his Filipino of 22 back to Oz, and there are 3 quick kids, often very handsome because blending races often produces better ppl than the "originals". But the bloke has died at 70, and the "girl" is left trying to bring up 3 teenagers who have often gone completely feral.
These "girls" have aged mercilessly, were no unattractive, and living in poverty, and to my mind the legacy of an old man chasing young foreign crumpet was very bad.
So no mail order brides for me.
I rather like women a lot, and I like all the nurses at the hospital, both the youngies and oldies, and my dentist is a Viet lady of 45 who is not only 120% highly desirable, but a far better dentist than any male dentists I have ever tried.
But over last 10 years, only 3 women have "touched me deeply". One was local doc lady of 44 who put finger up to feel my PG, and then an intern lady at hospital who was Miss India and 25 also stuck a finger up before RT. Then last week when I had terrible bout of bowel trouble after chemo and sore arse, so up went another female finger to see of there was anything to see that was causing pain.
So its obvious that once you go over 60, and youse have no partner, a man is more likely to get a female jabbing him up the arse than ever get a kiss.
It is OK, I have been forced to join the vast army of men who for reasons they did not want to become real, find that they are complete disaster zones when women are involved at all, unless she's a professional who makes $5,000 a week, and even the medical types cannot gurantee a "happy ending".
They used to say a woman of 40 in New York has more chance of being eaten by a shark than getting married.
Well, being a guy of 71 in Oz has similar probabilities.
The 40yo lady in NY should explore better social clubs; maybe she gets eaten by a shiek, could be dreadful to contemplate, but not if she thought about his money.
You are absolutely precious. A few of my male coworkers who had bad or no experience with white women picked out some brides. One brought over her whole Russian family. Another one Went thru a bitter divorce and got himself an Asian lady who could really cook. He gained lots of weight then died of cancer and she was alone.
I just asked my husband and he would prefer a female finger, too.
Well, Patrick, As Oz blokes go, you have to be, by far, the most entertaining. Good thing my post RT urinary stuff has improved, because I'd have had to change underwear several times whilst reading your post. I met up with my Filipina gf at 63 or so and that sparked me getting Testosterone supplements. Not sure I needed them, but the, er, gear was a little rusty and I was motivated to polish it up. She was 57 at the time. She brought me back from the dead, and I like to think I responded like a 17 year old stud. (Eat yer heart out) I am grateful to her for that. And I got to have a wee feather in my cap. Where was I going with this? Anyway, I like my own company and I definitely value having my own inviolable space. I have male and female friends, but as you so eloquently or effusively stated, so few people have the sort of character we were taught to demonstrate.....and to expect. I've also considered finding a travel buddy gal. Friends with benefits idea may not be a good fit for me.....I tend to become attached, loyal wanker that I am.
There have been a lot of great responses to my query here, and I will take the advice to heart.
Be careful to not become addicted to poking PG with fingar to see if its still there, or can give a bit of pleasure. Don't jab hard at it, and miss, and poke your eye instead. Do NOT insist you GF try to do it for you. Most uncool, most unromantic,
But of course Pca therapy reminds a man that all sorts of things can happen, and plain old shit happens, and ya jus gotta go with it, and make no tardy statements as yet another medic shows you yet again about the Digital World we live in.
At the chemo ward I visit to extend my days alive,
the chief nurse says to me "If youse ain't gotta sense of humour, get out"
So after getting a another good old poisoning with Docetaxel and I am about to leave, I asked 3 gathered nurses
"what is the least said sentence in any langauge in the world?" They all looked blank at me.
Well, it is this, "Jus lie down ere luvvy, it won't cost yer anyfink" and they all smiled, and then I mentioned
"this place is the exception, I am told to lie down, but I don't have to pay", and they seemed to understand, "Good old medicare pays, but no happy ending".
But in fact, if the chemo works, there is a happy ending.
Well, just hope the doc using 2 fingas does not try fisting, because that's a handful of way too much information.
Serously, its never easy to get used to living with Pca, after a doctor says bluntly like mine did, "There is no cure for this....." and he could give no indication of how long I had, back in 2012, so I said "2 years to 20?". But now with me on chemo chemo I said maybe 5 years because most blokes die within 5 years of bone mets showing on CT scans. Doc said maybe 8 years.
I am gonna need Lu177, Ra223, and goodness knows what else to last that long. Immunotherapy looks very promising until you Google to find some where its available, and then you find Provenge only give 4 months for $100,000, not worth it, but much controversy surrounds it, and finacially producers of treatment gunk have not done well and its a mess. But one guy said a few patients get up to 9 years extra life, another said the trails were faked by making placebo patients do worse to make the Drug recipients look better.
So basically, you are gambling with some treats. And the odds are against you winning.
Royal Marsden in uk and some German clinics are leading the way but have a long way to go before getting over 50% rate of improvement to gain approval by authorities. Lu177 got it in USA because it gives Psa reduction for over 50%, mean survival for end stagers is 14mths, and maybe those like me who take it earlier rather than dithering about too long on chemo might get far longer than 14 months. One guy here in advanced Pca group said he had SIX Ra223 treats, OUCH, and that is a lot, expensive, but his bone mets are down. But too much RT of any kind can lead to Leukemia if you live long enough.
Oscar Wilde said "A man can loose a lot on a woman, but far more on a horse.." and my reply would be, if he were here now, to say "youse ain't met any USA doctors mate".
Dear wise Oscar could never have lost money on a woman; he was gay. And jailed for it, with meals paid for by the authorities and taxpayers.
There are millions of bent ppl around, and they all deserve locking up more than Oscar ever did.
Which brings up another joke.... this guy (bloke in your language) is hmmmmm let's say he's playing stinkie pinkie... with his Materess (female mate in your language) and she says to him "your ring is hurting me". Her mate (friend in your language) says Ring? Dearie that's my watch".
We all have a long haul ahead of us. Let's just try to keep plugging away every day until it's time to go to that big comedy store in the sky.
In the immortal words of Oscar Wilde "hey mate would you hand me that jar of Vaseline".
Ain't it strange how the doctors can slave away to contrive the most drastic and permanent form of sexual mutilation to inflict on a man with PG bother, then just say that's just a side effect. But our filthy male minds seem to enjoyably romp along until we are 105, and we must always be onguard not to offend, lest we don't get cared for by yet another dazzling female sample of Nature's Wonders.
I could not afford to have all the ladies I see about, I'd need a psychiatrist, and they charge real high......
Wot a day, went for 20km cycle ride to lunch at Thai cafe, and was a bit slow uphill on day 2 after chemo. Then worked hard on meatwork and welding in shed for 3 hours, and now am settling down for Rah Bish on TV.
I have a tip for anyone with low white cells, and they cut themselves. There's always a risk of infection. I am a practical man who can't keep away from my workshop,
so always knocking old skin about, so I find let it bleed awhile, then wash it it well in water, then with a damp finger, dab it into a packet of baking soda and rub that into the cut. Put on bandaid, and it heals well.
I like making audio amps with vacuum tubes for a hobby, used to sell them, but ppl don't like paying, but love the music they give. Ain't it lousy how when the wife says she wants a new kitchen for $20g, outcomes the credit card. But a bloke will argue the price down for his sound gear, so inconsistent a species we are.
Oh, so the kitchen gets done OK, but dinner tastes the same.
I still repair and build tube and solid state audio gear as well. I am lacking a shed, man cave, barn and all the other coveted male hideouts. Looking to to acquire rural abode with same, some distance from the city.
I use a double car garage at back of my house. Very crammed in there, lotsa stuff.
Building vacuum+pressure tank varnish impregnation tank now, for doing output transformers etc. But not today, its day 3 after chemo, and I feel wrecked after busy frenetic day yesdy. I need the sunday rest.
I am so glad I worked me arse off when young to buy a small house when young, then extend it, and build garage, and say no to all the streams of ppl who asked me to go to pub, or do things differently. I don't pay rent, and that's a fabulous luxury.
Nice neighbourhood, not Poorville, and not Poshville, so I have spent 42 years here. So many others I met raced around thre world wasting dough, getting knowhere.
I had the house, cave and a decent world view....until the ex decided she wanted out, but wouldn't leave until I called it. Lost it all and a wad of cash in the divorce. Got some back, kids too, nice apartment on the lake with a killer view and great friends etc. Just in time for the PC beast to arrive and throw things in disarray. Things are looking better again as I recover from ADT shite time. Looking forward to being able to rebuild health, maybe some wealth, and enjoy life. Planning to visit middle daughter in NZ this coming March. I'll look into Theranostics and PSMA scanning while there, but looking forward to enjoying daughter's company and touring the awesome geography.
March is a long way off. Is the Pca gonna wait? I don't know if Lu177 theranostics is in NZ, but there is a Dr Lenzo from USA operating in Australia, just across the pond from NZ.
If my chemo seems to be useless, I'll try to go to Dr Lenzo.
Actually marriage to a woman with a child under 18 will allow half or your social security disability income to pass to her, + provide some social security support for the child. Check with a disability specialist to be sure. That should be a good incentive to be nice to you if you do find a partner.
My answer is YES you should. If you are honest about your health, and someone wants to be there... let them. You have much to share, and sometimes allowing others to give is in itself a greater gift than we perceive.
I would definitely encourage you to do so but be honest with any candidates. It is their decision in my opinion. I think a large part of recovery is living like you plan to see 100 years—live life to its fullest.
I confronted the same issue you are, is it fair to the other person? My partner pursued me, he was well aware of the cancer and for him it was not an issue. He loves me and wants to spend what time I have together. Sharing your journey is a gift, not a burden. It brings you even closer together. If you can find a lady who loves you and want to share your journey then let her into your life. Cancer is only a small part of who you are, dont let it consume your life completely. Make sure you are open and honest with each other and the concerns and feelings you have as you move forward. I wish you luck and hope you find someone.
I can't imagine going through this lonely by myself. Get a friend. Be upfront about Pca, but with your counts and stage, you could easily have another 10 years in you. Live life to it's fullest.
To get a "feel" for the thoughts and concerns of some women who are interacting with men who have all kinds of prostate cancer diagnoses and related emotional and physical side-effects, you might take some time to browse the many entries in the "Ask Amy" blog column over on the Prostate Cancer Info Link website.
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