Advice on connecting with others

[smig56]

I have a 39 yr old son that has ADD and depression. He is being treated for both. My BIGGEST challenge for him is to find some people like himself that he can be friends with. He didn't go to college but he has a good govt job. He does live at home with us. He wants to be there and I feel safer.

Does anyone have any ideas about where my son can meet people? I don't want him to live his life alone. He does have some friends, but he isn't very motivated to make plans.

We have to be so careful about who he meets and where.

Thanks.

[MidlandJ]

I have ADHD-inattentive type, depression, and anxiety. I was diagnosed as an adult, too.

Has your son expressed frustration with being able to find friends? I don't have many close friends, but don't see it as an issue, because I'm also an introvert and don't require validation from others.

Forgive me if I sound blunt, but unless he sees it an an issue, it's not really an issue.

It sounds like you are being very, maybe overly, protective of him. He's an adult, and it may actually cause his depression to become worse if you don't treat him as one.

[smig56 in reply to MidlandJ]

Thank you very much for your reply. Yes my son desperately wants to have a relationship for one thing. He tells me he gets lonely. So I think it does matter to him. I am probably overly protective but he may not be functioning at the same level that you are. I can pretty well tell by your response. I think the situations are totally different. But thank you for the advice anyway

[MidlandJ in reply to smig56]

You're welcome. I hope I didn't offend you; that wasn't my intent. It took a long time to figure out the cocktail of medications that worked for me.

If I had any advice, it would be for him to be patient and work on himself first. Perhaps taking a community class on something that interests him might help, or maybe volunteering somewhere. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter, partly because I love animals, partly because I could spend time around caring people with similar interests.

I wish you both luck!

[mattyr]

Community events and activities for sure.

Work is a fairly safe place to meet people.

Taking junior college/community college courses.

Shifting career or specific job role to be around more people.

These are all still very difficult with an adult who may resist or resent your help. A 3rd Party often has the most impact. Therapist, psychiatrist, counselor, coach.

[smig56 in reply to mattyr]

Thx u for yr advice. He attends many different functions but doesnt have the social skills neefed to make friends. He lacks motivation even tho he wants ppl in his life. He doesnt resent me helping. He has a counselor and therapist.

[mattyr]

It sounds like you have a lot of the standard support going for him. My suggestion is make a formal goal plan with him and the 3rd parties (therapist, teachers etc).

1. I want an adult relationship with someone I love.

2. I want to be comfortable going out and talking with people I don't know.

Since it sounds like you have a good relationship hopefully he will allow you to participate in the planning and measuring of progress.

It will not be easy but it is very possible. It has been suggested to me in the past that untreated ADHD is a key driver for depression and social anxiety.

[Joshua_DB in reply to mattyr]

" It has been suggested to me in the past that untreated ADHD is a key driver for depression and social anxiety."

YES INDEED!

I was first diagnosed as bi-polar at 15. Then at 40, Depression and anxiety brought on by PTSD. Then at 45, Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And now, finally at 46 I found a doc who knows his ass from a hole in the ground - and the change has been miraculous -

My depression and anxiety have just about disappeared - granted I have been in talk therapy on and off for years - so I did a ton of work in understanding my emotions and triggers - but still couldn't control all the negative thinking - the in ability to make friends - lost jobs, girlfriends - all of it.

Perhaps an ADHD support group where your son can be around other folks with "custom wired minds" we all tend to be pretty welcoming!