Fear of confrontation

[Cinemaparadiso2]

I’ve just been informed by my therapist that I probably have adhd and I wanted to ask someone if they, as I have, suffered from fear throughout their lives. I’ve actually got to the point to label myself a coward because of my fear of confrontation.

[BLC89]

Hello Cinemapardiso2,Being afraid of confrontation is really common - ADHD or otherwise.

I think with ADHD it often comes with Rejection Sensitivity Dysmorphia (RSD) which broadly speaking is taking any slight and thinking the worst about yourself.

Then pile on top of that the ideas that you "aren't trying hard enough," or "if you truly wanted to you could" messages most ADHDers carry and yes you will avoid confrontation emphatically.

What good could possibly come of it if your filter is set it things being your fault?

Being a "coward" is man-speak for not going AGAINST your gut. Most humans don't want to fight. Shying away from conflict is a way to protect yourself.

It sounds like an extremely heavy burden and I am sorry you are saddled with it.

As you learn more about how your brain works and learn to accept all the parts of you, you will see how well you have learned to protect yourself. And as you learn you will see which tools you can let go of.

Take it easy, learn what you can about your particular ADHD (broad strokes are the same for many but you are unique in many ways).

The fear you mentioned is fueled by the messages "just try harder" etc. You don't want to be called out, especially as a young person in school. And your ADHD characteristics may have made it hard to follow the rules in school.

You are in a safe space here, this community is fantastic. Take a look around and you will likely find many stories you relate to. You are not alone, hang in there.

BLC89

[Cinemaparadiso2 in reply to BLC89]

Thank you so very much for your insight, I will never refer to myself as a coward again. You’ve taught me a lot and again I thank you. I’m so glad I’ve come to the right place.

[BillSchismIII]

I will add in my own 2 cents. Bear in mind this is off the top of my head and in no way what a licensed therapist would say (i assume). But if you ask me, cowardice is at times a virtue. It may be stereotypically a bad thing, but bear in mind the reverse - bravery - is stereotypically a good thing, yet in an armed robbery, cowards live and bravery gets you killed. I am also a coward, but prefer to think of it as too cunning to risk myself while too noble to risk others. In that situation, cowardice is better than reckless bravery. Socially, cowardice can help you identify who should be avoided and who should be befriended, if the time cowering is used to study the object of said cowardice. Some of my best friends came from the ability to avoid the outspoken and reckless people while identifying and befriending the quiet and observant. My cowardice allows me to identify those in similar circumstances and take steps to lend a few minutes' compassion. Tldr: nothing wrong with cowardice if it's not crippling - in fact I'd say it's basic animal behaviour to run and hide when a lion is growling in your living room. Uncommon common sense, in truth. Just remember that in moderation, anything can be turned to your advantage. Not sure if that helps or how effective it'd be, but thinking of it in more positive terms and learning to turn a weakness into an advantage is what eventually helps me.

[Cinemaparadiso2 in reply to BillSchismIII]

Thank you so very much BillSchismlll you have lifted a weight off my shoulders that I have been carrying for years. For now I don’t know what else to say but thank goodness you came along.

[Tigger4me]

Hi Cinemaparadiso2, For me, there several different versions of fear of confrontation, or to piggy back on your avatar's name, different screenplays of how the confrontation might play out. For me, if the confrontation involves belligerence or direct likelihood of violence, I will do just about everything I can to defuse, avoid, leave, ignore the other person, also I won't feel bad about doing these things. And I think most people would do and feel the same.

When first reading your post, however, the (non-violent) confrontation that I thought about, have the most problem with, and therefore avoid such situations, is where I would need to read and interpret the social ques about the other person's behavior. I've come to realize that this avoidance is strongly connected with my ADHD. I don't follow what the other person is really saying cause I'm distracted by my thoughts. I can't tell how upset the other person actually is therefore I don't really know how to defuse the social confrontations. Also, since I have most likely not been paying close attention to the situation that leads up to the confrontation I may not know what it is all about. All these couple strongly to my ADHD guilt/shame baggage that I carry around from past situations. Thus the strong desire to avoid confrontations.

Does any of this seem familiar?

[Cinemaparadiso2 in reply to Tigger4me]

A belated thank you Tigger4me and yes it’s very familiar, it’s the no violent confrontation that causes me the fear but now thanks to you and others who have replied to my post I now know that it is not a weakness and now I can look at that fear with a different perspective, now I can put a handle on it so to speak.

[Mamamichl]

that sounds like it could be rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I always looked at it as a fear of judgement. It can also be seen as a strong urge to people please. I do r necessarily have a fear of confrontation, as I know what my beliefs are and willing to fight for those, but I have these other feelings with peers and supervisors. In school I wanted to fit in somewhere and be liked by my teachers.

I recently saw a video on tos from the you tube channel adhd_love. They also have 2 books (I prefer the audiobooks because they read them themselves). The books are called small talk and dirty laundry. Other you tube channels that may help are the holderness family (book called ADHD is awesome), and how to ADHD (book by same name).

Hope this helps! Zen hugs.

[Zilmita]

You're not a coward. I too don't like confirmations at all. I do fear rejection and have stopped myself various times from making new friends (especially friends that have well paying jobs/jobs with great benefits) because of the fear of not being accepted due to my 3 disabilities. Now (at 43) I'm getting better at pushing myself to make friends and be more social. Whether people accept me or not is their problem not mine. Just know that you're not alone in this. We all (in one way or another) may have experienced similar feelings.

[Cinemaparadiso2 in reply to Zilmita]

Thank you for your encouraging words and I’m happy to hear that you are continuing to reach out and make new friends and I understand when you say it’s difficult feeling comfortable with people who society consider successful but remember success is not based on our jobs but rather on the qualities we choose cultivate in our lives.

[Zilmita in reply to Cinemaparadiso2]

You're so very welcome. Anytime. It's just that I wish that I had friends that were able to do certain things with me. Most of my friends live in Miami. When I go visit them I'm pretty restricted in what I can and can't do with them. Most of them can't drive because they're epileptic. When you have seizures you can't hold a job (at least a paying job that I'm aware of) and/or you can't drive. So, I usually have to drive or their parents drive us to the movies, out to lunch, or bowling. That's about all they can do. I wouldn't be able to take them snorkelling, on certain rides/attractions in Disney World, etc. Because of their issues they're limited to things that (once you do it a lot) can get boring. Also, (some of them) don't like seeing the types of movies that I like. I couldn't take them to see horror movies. Also, some of them are picky eaters. So, I'll have to take them to a burger joint. Maybe one day soon I'll meet people my age that can do more things than the friends that I have now.