My partner of 17yrs (they are 44yrs old) is seeking a diagnosis of ADHD, and they suspect Autism as well. They are in a deep dive of self-education and have at least one medical professional that they trust to start the journey. I felt really supportive of their choice to pursue-- up until a few days ago when they started to self-diagnose our younger kid as ADHD as well.
I feel very hurt, and protective of our 4 (almost 5 yr old). They are a thriving, vibrant, seemingly neurotypical child. I put up a boundary that I do not want my partner speaking to me about our child as if they also have ADHD but that I do want to hear about their journey and will continue to learn (if at a relaxed page) about ADHD.
But now I'm feeling so overwhelmed and unable to cope/make sense of my partner's behaviors. In fact I don't trust any of our interactions and I'm in a lot of pain. Feel like my partnership was difficult for a long time, but my parenting was solid and my kid(s) are amazing. But with my partner speculating about out kid it really has me questioning how much is actually sustainable for me.
Any advice, encouragement, or your own similar stories will help. Thank you
Written by
MoonriseQueendom
To view profiles and participate in discussions please or .
MQ, you sound overwhelmed! Reading between the lines, it sounds like your partner’s symptoms have been straining you for a long time. You’re carrying a burden they may not even realize exists, and that’s hard and isolating. I have it both ways-I have ADHD (suspected a year or so, diagnosed a few months ago), and my spouse has a longstanding condition (unrelated to ADHD) affecting short-term memory, among other things. Let’s just say, we’re still working through everybody’s feelings over here. Your partner doesn’t even have a diagnosis yet (although, tbh, jumping from info binging to speculating on and on about your kid feels very ADHD to me). Of course you’re not ready for them to go there!
You did ask for advice, so… hold that boundary. Take care of yourself. Talk to your people IRL. Maybe they can help you get curious about why this thought of your partner’s is so painful. What are you protecting your kid from? What about this makes you feel such mistrust for your partner? Maybe once you understand yourself here, you can share with your partner, and find out what this idea is doing for them. Do they like the thought of having neurodivergence in common with their child? Did they suffer growing up undiagnosed and fear your kid will too? Are they feeling validated when they see aspects of themself in their kid? (All things I experience with my own kids, at least one of whom actually does have ADHD).
This is hard. It’s ok for it to feel hard. All the best to you, your kids, and your partner.
SunnyClouds, Thank you, I feel very grateful for the time you taken to share your insights with me. I have difficulty reaching out to talk about this with friends, or even how to talk about it. You are right, I am overwhelmed and want to slow it all down. You've asked me some very thoughtful questions and I'll be sitting with those. wishing you peace <3
It doesn’t really matter right now if your kid has ADHD or not. Five is really young and if they aren’t having issues at school or home, you and your partner can kick that can down the road. At some point you may want to consider the possibility, because ADHD is extremely heritable - but one thing at a time. Your partner needs someone to talk to other than you though. I went on a super deep dive when I started suspecting I had ADHD and my partner was very tolerant - but we had the relationship in place. If your partner also has autism, the two of you need to find a kind way for you to say, I’m done talking about your (passionate, incredibly detailed, bottomless) interest for now. And he needs to work on accepting that boundary. Sometimes when a person starts to get better it can actually be hard on the caregiver - because you did have the chaos under control to a degree and now your hard won peace is being threatened. Also, if you are the overcompensator in the relationship, you might be in the habit of taking on his problems, and now he’s tossing a whole bunch more at you. So what can you do for you? You need a break, mama. If you’re ok and the kids are ok, keep doing what you’re doing and build in some kind of care for yourself. Boundaries, friends, alone time, time with just the kids, therapy for yourself. Hang in - hopefully this might mean that things are getting better.
Like your partner, I also did a deep dive into learning all I could about ADHD, once I started to consider that I might have it. (I do...which is what led me here.)
Also like your partner, once I learned so much about the many possible ADHD traits, I started to recognize them, particularly in my own family. But nobody else in my family has been diagnosed with ADHD, so far (besides a couple of cousins and one nephew). That doesn't mean they don't have ADHD, but maybe they just don't have it as prominently as I do. (Although my older son, age 21, seems to have all my Inattentive traits at the same severity. And my eldest daughter's doctor has suggested that she might have ADHD.)
...
But there's also an attention phenomenon common among humans, a sort of attentional filter, which makes it much more likely to notice the things that we have on our minds. For example, lets say someone is looking to buy a car, and they decide that they want a red, compact car. Guess what they will start to notice that they hadn't before? Red, compact cars... They will discover that there are more of them around than they ever realized before.
With ADHD, this can be even more common, since many of us with ADHD might hyperfixate on things. (It's kind-of like how people with autism are prone to having special interests...but with ADHD, we don't stay on the same few special interests, we are more likely to latch onto one thing at a time, then move on to the next.)
[Note: hyperfixation is different from hyperfocus, which is being so tuned into one thing that we can become unaware of everything else around us. Hyperfocus is also experienced by a lot of people with ADHD.]
...
With your child being 4, going on 5, a lot of normal age-appropriate behaviors could seem like ADHD behaviors. It is likely only children with more severe ADHD who would be diagnosed so young, unless they have siblings who have already been diagnosed with ADHD. Average age for ADHD diagnosis in children is about 7 or 8.
Keep an open mind about your child for the future, because as someone else already mentioned, ADHD is inheritable. But like I said before, a lot of age appropriate behaviors in a 4 or 5 year old would seem like ADHD in older kids and in adults with ADHD.
...
Your partner needs acceptance and validation from you, but they should also get help from a mental health professional to help them navigate what they are going through at this time. However, it can be hard to find good help, and it can be expensive.
(Most of the counseling I have done, including my initial ADHD diagnosis, was with the help of an Employee Assistance Plan, EAP, to pay for it. The downside is that EAPs will only pay for a limited number of sessions annually per issue.)
Thank you for the welcome SD! I'm really glad to be here. I'm finding everyone's posts to be very helpful, with your's definitely included. Thanks for pointing out the difference between hyperfocus and hyoerfixation. I hope I can be supportive to others here in the future.
MoonriseQueendom , if you do want to connect with parents of children with ADHD, there is another community on this site called "CHADD's ADHD Parents Together".
ADHD can appear in many different ways, but is classified into three presentations: Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined. The prominence will vary from Mild, to Moderate, to Severe.
**The stereotype of ADHD is of a young boy with Severe, Combined presentation ADHD.**
Unfortunately, by people having that image as their definition of ADHD, it leaves out many people who do have the disorder.
Combined presentation makes up about 50%, while Inattentive presentation and Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation make up about 25% each.
Both male and female people can have ADHD, though the statistic is that there are 2 or 3 times as many males as there are females with ADHD. (So, we could say that roughly 1/4 to 1/3 of people with ADHD are female, and 2/3 to 3/4 are male.)
Nearly half of people with ADHD have a severe presentation, while mild and moderate add up to just over half. This means that between
So, that stereotypical image of ADHD as a male with severe, Combined presentation ADHD would actually represent a fraction ... 2/3 x 1/2 x 1/2 = 1/6th of all people with ADHD. So, it's no wonder that so many of us with ADHD (the other 5/6) tend to get overlooked.
{Note: these are approximate ratios; multiple studies have yielded varying numbers, but they tend to follow those approximations}
...
(I have mild-to-moderate Inattentive ADHD...and I didn't get diagnosed until age 45, because I was very interested in school when I was a kid...so because of my interest, I did very well in school, and my inattentive traits didn't attract much attention. Unfortunately for me, doing well in K-12 school made me believe that I wouldn't have any problems in college...but I had a lot of problems in college, and with my career progression. That's what eventually led me to my ADHD diagnosis at 45. --- I say this to reiterate that with the knowledge that your partner likely has ADHD, then that makes it quite possible that your child will have ADHD in some form. Perhaps more mild, like me, but there all the same.)
When I was diagnosed this past summer, I think I went through what STEM_Dad was explaining: Every time my son ran around the house or didn’t want to do school work, I would panic. I thought he had ADHD for about a week. Turns out he’s just a little boy who likes running around and doesn’t always want to do math flash cards.
Maybe there’s a gentle way for your partner to be shown this. And really just one thing at a time, which if your partner is ADHD then that’s hard to do, but if they can focus on themselves for a bit with a professional then they may calm down and not be so worried about your children.
Also, you may want to look into the term VAST and some therapies that are more holistic. There’s a doctor with ADHD/VAST who is trying to change the narrative on ADHD a bit. Really likes to focus on all of our positive traits and how lovely neurodivergent minds really are. I was getting quite depressed about my diagnoses and wasn’t doing well on medication, plus felt my therapist was kind of pushy about me taking adderall. Then I heard a few podcasts from Hacking Your ADHD brain and so many of the guests are so positive about all the good things our brains do.
If your partner can focus on the positives of having brains like our sooner in their therapy, then they can start reframing it for themselves and your kids (if they do start to show signs down the road).
I’m sorry I ramble a bit but I hope you and your partner and family have a peaceful journey.
VAST stands for Variable Attention Stimulus Trait.
Dr. Edward Hallowell, a psychiatrist who is a well known ADHD expert, developed the concept (with his longtime colleague Dr. John Ratey, I believe).
The concept is something like this: VAST acknowledges that many people have ADHD-like traits, but not all to the level of significance that it takes to be diagnosed with ADHD. Also, not everyone who experiences VAST traits in ways that seem detrimental.
(Being "different" isn't the same as having a "disorder"...a lot of people with ADHD are creative, innovative, and talented in many ways because of their differences.)
The first time I heard about VAST was in a podcast, in which Dr. Hallowell have a brief description of it, and estimated that 60% of people have VAST traits, which includes those with ADHD (who are about 10% of the population).
(I bought the book "ADHD 2.O", which is supposed to introduce the idea of VAST, but I haven't gotten very far into it, yet.)
Content on HealthUnlocked does not replace the relationship between you and doctors or other healthcare professionals nor the advice you receive from them.
Never delay seeking advice or dialling emergency services because of something that you have read on HealthUnlocked.
Meeting Non- ADHD partner's expectations
26F Late diagnosis: any advice appreciated
Newly diagnosed, best help?
Adults with ADHD - asking for help to understand
Non ADHD Spouse of ADHD spouse
