Partner Support with Medication

[mindsmatter88]

Does anyone have a partner that isn’t supportive of using medication (in my case Adderall) towards their treatment for ADHD? Or are you a partner that your significant other takes medication and you are against it and why? I feel like I’m constantly having to explain why it would help along with therapy and they believe I should only use therapy and strongly dislike that I take medication. They seem to worry more about the negative side effects even though I’ve just started a few weeks ago and I don’t have any issues or concerns. Thank you!

[Old_Owl]

I was diagnosed with ADHD this past November and started taking Vyvanse early in December- my wife was not happy with my choice. She even had me watch a documentary with her on stimulant abuse before my prescription was even filled.

Her initial response through me for a loop, even doubted I was making the right choice. But I did my research and determined I needed to move forward with meds for my own mental health.

I had to work through the fact that my wife's reaction was tied to her love for me. She wants the best and doesn't want me to do (or in case take) something that might cause me harm. She's coming from a good place. At the same time, even though we don't talk directly about it, she knows I am struggling and have been battling depression. As she said "You just need to improve your self esteem." (easier said than done 😆 )

In a way I kind of did this to myself by masking- after 58 years I'm good at hiding my internal struggles and daily pain- but I've learned at some point, I run out of energy and the bad stuff gushes out.

So, I figured I would take the Vyvanse and hope she saw the results. Which might be working- a few weeks after starting my meds, she jokingly made a comment that while I was much happier on Vyvanse, I was still forgetting stuff- and I take that as a small win. I also asked her to just keep an eye on me and my behavior in case anything odd started to happen (I figured this was a way to involve her in some form while she was still not happy with my choice.

We are still working it out, but then I am still figuring out this whole ADHD thing so I think both will still take some time. And since I know she's coming from a perspective of caring about me, I am picking my battles on this based on my knowledge of her. It's going to be slow, but every once and a while she'll ask me a questions about it- so I am letting her come to terms with it in her own time.

Wishing you luck with this- it isn't easy.

(btw- while Vyvanse is not the silver bullet, it's made things much easier for me. Besides taking a pill, I am still in therapy, and working to develop new skills with an ADHD coach)

[Gettingittogether in reply to Old_Owl]

Your situation is where ADHD gets serious. Or let me put it bluntly: this is where we get a chance to show how serious we are. I am currently single, but I expect to marry again most likely. I will not even allow conversation on my ADHD meds. Period.

And let's say some conversation (critical) from a spouse comes in, I do not get a squirrel's behind about what another person would say.

Why? Because I know and experienced and endured the agony and pain and frustration and depression of ADHD. I have lived that. And I get that it's a brain condition. Yes, some people don't get that--though of course, they get how all their conditions have some real basis going on.

So either you're going to stand for yourself and draw a line or not. Every medication can be abused. You guys drink? Alcohol is the most widely abused drug in human history. OK, but lots of people can use it fine. Adderall abuse occurs 90 percent of the time when people get black market meds and take way beyond the recommended therapeutic dose.

Ask your wife if she wants to give you 15 years. Has she read about the shocking lower life expectancies of people with ADHD? The higher levels of addiction of all kinds, depression, anxiety, of being fired from jobs, with bad finances and on and on. Thriving in society as an older adult requires all kind of attention to detail that ADHD struggle with.

I mean, I'm fierce about this topic because I for too long cared about what people thought about my mental health treatment and so on. So I've rebelled against that and I'm now at an extreme. Seriously, I will not allow a conversation on my meds unless I ask for such.

Are you involved and sticking your opinion into her women's health issues?

Every medication is potentially dangerous. Every one. You can die using too much Tylenol. And avoiding medications when we need them is also dangerous, often more dangerous.

The phrase is "dose makes the medicine." There really isn't such a thing as Adderall. There is Adderall at X dose or Y dose or z dose. So did the documentary highlight the doses these abusers were using? I bet not. I can tell you none of them were following the 10mg daily dose that is frequently the starting dose for Adderall. I topped out at 30mg Adderall and then backed down because it did interfere with my sleep. So I was on 25mg. And I didn't want to go any higher. I needed sleep!

Do not get me started here. But basically if you want to live and a chance to thrive, you're gonna have to be your own confidante here.

My final point: no one gets extra points added at the end of life for avoiding potentially helping medications. Nope, no extra points.

[Old_Owl in reply to Gettingittogether]

Thank you for your reply and I appreciate your insight and sharing your perspective.

I am in total agreement with you that everyone is responsible for their own mental health and how they manage it. I also feel what works for one, won't always work from someone else as we have different life experiences, different trigger points, different needs and dreams. I also agree with the importance of having boundaries around our mental health journey. But, even when there are commonalities there are still differences. I too suffered from major depression and was planning my "way out." While not always as sever, it has been a life long struggle for me. I've also worked a long time, putting in a lot of hours, to learn to value my own opinion and decision over those of someone else. (And beyond these, I still have a chest full of other demons to battle).

Again we are all different, and in my case my wife's opinion and thoughts ARE important to me in terms of my medication as well as other things. Again, it took me a lot of work to get to the point where I felt okay with someone. like my wife, having a strong different opinion while still respecting and holding fast to my own choices. I am still working on this, but it is my choice to take my pill every morning, and mine alone.

I'm also good giving my wife patience on this- it's new for both of us and god knows she's been pretty damn patient with me a number of times. I'm lucky to have a marriage where we enjoy a base level of respect for each other in terms of making our own decisions for ourselves.

I shared my experience not to suggest my way would work for anyone else, but it is working for me right now. I see the improvements in myself and my relationship even thought my wife might not be on board with my choices. And if things change, i will figure it out what to do then.

Still I empathize and relate to the original post. I'd love be able to share what's going on with my ADHD more with my wife; I would love that support form her. Her reaction was painful (but then again, I own my emotions so feeling pain at her response is really my deal). But she's not in that place, so demanding that of her, or expecting, that of her goes against that shared respect we have. It's complex with factors unique to me and my wife.

This stuff is hard. Marriage, or any relationship is hard enough as is- add a neurological disorder to it makes it even more hard. Each of us has to figure out how we'll handle it and what boundaries to set. (If my relationship with my wife was different, I'd have to approach this differently).

I admire the passion you have for your boundaries, and like me, I am guessing you've gotten to where you are from a lot of work, pain, and suffering and you don't want to go back to what was.

Again, thank you for responding. Reading posts as well as responding to them is part of my journey of figuring all this stuff out, and I always try to keep myself open to other perspectives. I am open to being wrong and learning something new (again, a place I have worked hard to get to)

Good luck on your journey.

[Tenurepollard05 in reply to Gettingittogether]

Just…. Same! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

[Gettingittogether]

I hear you.

Well frankly, the only way I've seen spouses come around on ADHD treatment is by observing the improvements in the life of the treated partner and then taking a pause and noticing and appreciating those improvements That's the only time I've really heard of a spouse changing their minds.

I hear you, that you like to get your wife's views on your medication. I am open to a partner's input on other medications pretty much. And I wouldn't mind a partner saying she thinks I'm struggling and might need some mood help.

It's the blanket rejection of medical ADHD treatment that I have NO TOLERANCE for. But that's me.

The only other thing is maybe asking her to go to an appointment with you. Or you asking for tips on this from your provider. Things can change. Sometimes change takes time, so if you're patient, in future years, she might feel more comfortable once she has seen that you don't abuse the medication.

BTW: you don't mention this--and I'm not assuming this is the case-- but if I had a history of addiction to particular meds, I WOULD be open to my partner's feedback. And I'm definitely open to a partner telling me my depression and anxiety meds or therapy aren't working any more. That's fine. Blanket rejection--no.

Good luck!

[Old_Owl in reply to Gettingittogether]

Again, thanks for your thoughts.

I agree this will take some time, and I love your ideas and plan to discuss this with my therapist next go a round- Important because while I want to be patient I don't want to revert to previous behaviors.

And I too am sensitive to blanket rejections of stimulant medication. I am far from an expert, but I did, and am still am, doing my research. I see this as a neurological disorder that's not going away. I looked at how Vyvanse worked and what it was intended to do before taking it. And while I would never push it, I believe medication for ADHD isn't much different than me wearing glasses to see better. And the stigma around stimulant medication does piss me off. And if my wife was trying a blanket rejection, it would likely be a different story for me.

Thank you for the advise.

[Knitting20projects]

I’m wondering if, maybe approaching it from an “I am suffering” perspective might help? As in, with ADHD, you are climbing Mt. Everest getting from 9-5 daily while someone without it is walking on a flat, paved path. The medicine has a chance of changing your day from climbing Mt. Everest to, say, hiking on a mild paved incline. Still not the same as without ADHD, but closer to leveling the playing field. The other part you might emphasize is the emotional dysregulation of ADHD (unfortunately not discussed in every educational website etc—-Dr Thomas Brown has a great book on it) & that medication can help us feel calmer, less prone to irritability, anger, and deep hurt from criticism. That could only help most marriages! I wish you luck.

[BlueDorysBro]

I was on Vyvanse 50mg for more than a year. My bf was strongly against it because he thinks that it's gonna kill part of my brain. He constantly nagged me about me ending the conversation by saying "I don't want to be your doctor".

I stopped Vyvanse and started taking Sttraterra. Even thought I didn't feel too much effect on Vyvanse towards the end, but Sttraterra is weaker than Vyvanse so I feel like my ADHD got even worse...

Long story short, I kind of regret stop taking Vyvanse. If your partner has an issue with taking stimulant, be firm and assertive and tell them "Do NOT judge me for my medication. If you cannot live with it, just leave it." Do NOT let others tell what you should/can not take. It's your and the doctor's(assume a good one) decisions!